How my marriage ended with a brick (And no, that’s not me being cute. Or even symbolic. Literally. With a brick. Seriously…You can’t make this sh*t up…)

I am that girl.

That may make no sense to you, or it may make all the sense in the world. I’m that girl who was successful, accomplished, sporting two degrees, two beautiful children, one glorious husband and two great homes. I’m that girl who believed in love and fairy tales, who was happily-ever-after married, who had met her soul mate, who also was her best friend, and dedicated herself to him entirely.

I’m also that girl whose marriage ended with a brick

Yip…that girl. The girl that the universe just can’t help but fuck with.

You see, I heart symbols. Always have. Being a writer, they’re my turn-on of choice.

So when I opened up the picture in my then-husband’s email — the picture of a brick inscribed with gut-wrenching, soul-twisting, ugly, evil words — well, the symbol was too strong to not feel somehow tricked by some higher power.

I mean, come on: It hit me like a ton of bricks; to hit your head against a brick wall; to be thick as a brick; to be talking to a brick wall.

As my face turned pale and all the saliva disappeared from my mouth, I saw a cartoon of all the famous “brick” clichés, playfully bouncing around the 18-inch monitor in front of me, torturing me with all their mortar malice.

All the sayings — every one of them that quickly made its way into and out of my brain at the moment my life changed forever — every one of them talked about being stupid, doing pointless things or being blindsided.

There it was: the heartless universe, laughing at me hysterically. Bitch.

So at this point, perhaps I need to share some details about the brick. First it was one of those commemorative bricks that businesses use as a fundraiser, placing them outside of special locations adorned with family names and trite messages — you’ve seen them outside of Disneyland, or your local planetarium, or an aquarium, or any other business ending in “ium,” for example.

The picture of this brick was attached to an email conversation between my then-husband and a sales rep from his old high school in Oregon, which the hubby had attended with his childhood sweetheart (an aside that didn’t even cross my mind as I read the exchange, though it’s important now for context). Apparently, my adoring husband had bought a brick. I read the email with interest, because he indicated to this gentleman that it was a Christmas present, but he said “we” wouldn’t get up to see it until after the snows.

I got all excited. He bought me a brick? Seemed an odd gift … but hell, I figured: If diamonds are made from coal, maybe something equally sexy comes from brick.

Not so much. That was me, being thick as a brick.

When I clicked the attachment, the image of a brick-colored brick (so original) with a brass plate sporting sans-serif letters appeared, inscribed with the following:

John Dumbass* ’92
Marilyn Bitch* ’94
Always and Forever

* Names changed to protect the far-from-innocent.

As you can probably figure out based on the “author” name at the top of this blog, I am not Marilyn Bitch. But the part you may not be able to figure out as easily is that Jack Dumbass was my then-husband … of 10+ years. He and I had been together for 13 years — more than 1/3 of my life — and yet his name was positioned on top, in a very traditional missionary position over her name, and inscribed in stone.

Me? I just had the flimsy piece of cardstock called a marriage license. I was devastated at the irony.

That brick changed my life. In one fell swoop, or one view of a haplessly misfiled e-mail picture, I had seen the end of my marriage in all its stunning flat-screen glory.

The rest, as they say, is history. But it’s still recent history to me, as the brick hit me over the head only a few days after Christmas in 2007. Since then, what has occurred looks nothing like the popular conceptions of divorce prescribe. In fact, it’s been just the opposite.

I’m a mature woman. I thought he was a mature man. Yet we’re definitely not walking our two children to school together, him holding hands with our daughter, her holding hands with her big brother, her big brother holding hands with me, the four of us still connected like a paper cut-out against a sunny horizon.

Nope. It’s been sheer chaos, utter hell, the worst days of my life.

And here I am sharing my story with you, because I, my friends, am an expert on how to handle this. (Not really.) Perhaps I can help you live through a divorce gracefully. (That’s a total lie.) Because I have been the idyllic image of honesty, above-boardedness (I just made that word up — because I can…) and grace. (I wish.)

Sometimes I lie just to make myself feel better. That’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Actually, here I am a little more than two years later, and I feel like I have a story to tell. I’ve been silent too long — mostly out of sheer guilt (self-imposed and other-imposed, but mainly by the two people who I’m sure feel terrified at the thought of a mortifying combination of my words, their actions and the one venue afforded by this blog).

I need to say it again: I’ve been silent far too long.

This blog will be my honest, sometimes irreverent attempt to offer insights into the complexity of divorce with shared custody; with dealing with the subsequent forced reinvention that occurs post-divorce; with coping when your heart is ripped from your chest every other week as your kids sob, telling you they want nothing more than to stay with you forever and never leave.

I have learned so much, yet I still have much to learn. I am stronger in many ways, but so much weaker in others. Hell, I think the most commitment I will ever again exercise is choosing one and only one shampoo to place in my shower. That was a HUGE step.

And that just happened yesterday.

But the other shampoos still live in my closet with all the other old bottles of makeup, lotion, body wash, etc. that I don’t use but maybe someday will desperately, immediately need again — and they will make another appearance once the “chosen” shampoo lets me down … which it inevitably will.

(I’m looking at you, Big Sexy Hair. Typical shampoo.)

I hope you’ll join me in this journey — and forgive me for once in a while selfishly sharing seemingly mindless details that I just NEED to share. I promise, though, this will not become an endless rant or a place to bash; instead, I’m hoping to focus on reinvention — on what I call “Me 2.0″ (more on than in a later post).

I do hope you’ll offer your thoughts, send feedback, call me names, spread the word. There are too many of us who feel guilty because “forgiveness” is the ultimate goal or because “you can make this work if you just try.”

Bullshit. I’m living proof.

Apparently, there is an old Irish proverb that reads, “A grudge is a beautiful thing.”

Maybe I’ll put that on a brick. Then toss it in the general direction of a certain Dumbass and his Bitch. (Symbolically speaking, of course…)

Take that, Universe. I’m that girl, now…

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
This entry was posted in I heart symbols, My (forced) reinvention, My bat-shit crazy divorce, My custodial nightmare and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

163 Responses to How my marriage ended with a brick (And no, that’s not me being cute. Or even symbolic. Literally. With a brick. Seriously…You can’t make this sh*t up…)

  1. Jen says:

    Brave. Funny. You are my hero! Thank you for posting…

  2. cindie says:

    Be that girl! No apologies!

  3. Amy J says:

    Um … WOW. I’m not divorced (let alone married!), nor do I have kids, but can’t wait to read your blog!! P.s. I have FIVE botfles of shampoo in the shower!!! Choosing one would be beyond difficult!!!

  4. Mary Leslie says:

    Wow, what a gift you have….not only your writing, of course, but your incredible sense of self. Raw, honest, funny, and tragic with a resounding hush of optimism. Excellent!

    • Thank you so much, Mary! I’m so glad you can sense the optimism…it’s there, it’s just a little obscured by the bitterness at times. But every day that goes by, I feel my fairy-tale-believing-self coming closer and closer to the forefront… ;)

  5. Catherine says:

    I think it is amazing what you are doing. Your blog feels similar to my blog – you’ve been through so much and now you just want to get it out in the world. Maybe help a few people get through it themselves. I really like what you’re doing here, and I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. But you seem amazing and strong, and I know you’ll be fine. Can’t wait to read more!
    http://simplysolo.wordpress.com

    • Thanks so much, Catherine! We sisters in singlehood need to stick together. Yip, I’ve been through a ton, but I actually feel happier today than I did before. So while it’s been hell, I wouldn’t trade it for the world — well, except I’d do almost anything in my power to take the pain this has all caused my children, but that’s a whole other story!

      Happy to have you following my blog! :)

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  9. girlfromclapham says:

    Returning the compliment of your visit. This is brutal! What a bandit! Well done you for being so brave.

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  11. emjayandthem says:

    Mikalee, your writing leaves me lacking for words .. and in the very best way possible. It’s powerful, emotional, raw, honest, introspective and compelling. May I link to you on my page? Well done, and, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry this happened. MJ

    http://emjayandthem.wordpress.com

  12. comdude says:

    I’m afraid you’ll always have to remember these things. I’ve never bought a brick. It sounds dumb to me. But I did carve something on a tree once. The bark spread the letters apart and the tree is surrounded by thick blackberry vines now, with all their thorns. I am betting no one will ever read what I carved on that tree. I’m sure it’s illegible now.

    She married some guy, had two sons, put on a few hundred pounds, I’m over it. And you will be over it too, some day. I hope you can look at it that way. It will pass.

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  14. drugsorme says:

    I seriously admire your strength. And your writing!

  15. Nessy San says:

    Hello! I;m a newbie on your blog and here’s me starting from the beginning!

    At first, I feel awkward to read one’s life about divorce (I’m married for almost 2 years , still very young you can say…). And look at me now, I am done reading the 1st entry. I would love to follow you from now on. I’m not a writer as you so I may speak horribly with English language but anyhow, I love your blog and that’s all that matters to me! You give good example of “how to know your husband is cheating”. I am taking note of it.

    And so I continue to the other entries… good luck and thank you for sharing.

    • Well thank you for stopping by! And I truly don’t mean to make anyone feel awkward — rather, I’m hoping to help others heal who can relate to something in this blog in some way. You may have never experienced divorce, but there are certainly other themes (betrayal, dishonesty, redefinition, etc.) you may be able to relate to!

      Many thanks for reading and commenting… :)

  16. markp427 says:

    There’s great imagery here, particularly the paper cutout figures…I can see already you have a great way with words, and I for one can relate. It wasn’t a brick, in my case, but a guitar-playing shipping clerk named Ulises…anyway. I feel your pain. And I’m hoping this blog helps you to get past yours. Writing is cathartic – though my own blog is mostly lighthearted stuff, I wrote elsewhere while going through my divorce and picking up the pieces after, and it helped tremendously.

    • OK, I almost snorted red wine through my nose after reading about the guitar-playing shipping clerk named Ulises. Warn me next time, will ya? ;)

      And I certainly don’t mean to laugh at your pain — but hell, if we weren’t laughing, we’d surely be crying…

      Thank you for visiting! I look forward to exploring your blog in more depth — we jilted-30-something-suddenly-singles need to stick together!

  17. Bonnie says:

    Hi, Mikalee –

    Just ran across your blog and I so look forward to reading more. I too, was that woman scorned (among other things). I’ve been separated almost three years and am anxiously awaiting a final on my own divorce in what should be mere weeks from now. I’m enjoying your writing talent, and can say with just the little bit I’ve read you truly are an inspiration. Blessings to you.

    ~Bon

    • Hey, Bon … so great of you to stop by and comment. Thank you!

      We do need to stick together … I think there is so much healing in shared experience, and I for one am grateful for all of the support, encouragement and compassion exhibited by those who have been through similar experiences.

      And to be honest, I’m a bit overwhelmed by how many have been through these aforementioned similar experiences. :(

      So please, stop by again, and feel free to share if and when you feel the urge. We’re here to learn, support and commiserate!

      Take care,

      MB

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  20. BB says:

    May I smack your ex with a brick?
    All the best to you.

  21. Indie Mom says:

    Came across your blog reading the divorce section at HuffPo. I’ve bookmarked you on mine. I, too, have started a blog pending divorce and I’m trying to focus on being an independent mom .. a paradigm shift for me. I had everything I ever wanted .. a husband of 25 years, a beautiful family and home, a successful career. And then a brick hit me upside the head on Christmas Eve last year. A lot of my venting is in my posts over at HuffPo. Thanks so much for writing this blog. It’s a refreshing perspective.

    • I will definitely be stopping by your blog — I love seeing how others process through this whole ordeal. It’s amazing to witness the strength and resilience.

      I’m quite confident the holidays are very hard for you, so please feel yourself surrounded by support from your blogging friends, friends in real life, family, etc. My ordeal started on Christmas day a few years ago, and yet I still find myself feeling uneasy around the holidays. The recency of your situation makes it even harder, I’m sure.

      Best of luck, Indie Mom. Just remember: You deserve so much better! :)

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  24. Richard says:

    I read your story again, and I can’t help but think, “YES”. I know what you’ve been through and what you mean! I’m only 4+ months into the betrayal of my life, so I don’t have the clarity (yet) that you convey. I WANT to post my story — I cannot yet. It is not a story of hate and failure and blame, . . . but it is of pain and missed opportunities, and ownership (I hate talking like that, but it’s all I got right now).
    Thanks for the sharing, and courage, and eloquence. It’s an inspiration even though I’m still too “effed” up to share as a post. I’ll get there. Thank You, again!

    • Isn’t it amazing how much it helps to share these experiences and stories? And that’s what it’s all about … I’m not much into self-help motivational crap, but I do know that the fact that others have felt exactly what I’ve felt — well, it helps. For some reason, that shared experience means the world when it comes to healing and moving forward.

      And you’re definitely not too “effed” up … you’re just not ready, and that’s totally ok! One thing I’ve learned in this process is that we all heal in a totally different way, so one person’s “processing” is another’s “rehashing old memories which only inspires a desire to curl up in the fetal position.” You need to find what makes you happy, and comfortable, and feel good about yourself and your situation.

      Continued healing, my friend. Let us know if you need anything along the way…

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  26. aunaqui says:

    You are amazing. I ran across one of your comments on ANOTHER blog post afew days ago, and again today (when I was reading a “freshly pressed” gem) saw you had made a comment on the work. Thought I’d look at your profile and, wow.. no wonder you get so many “hits.” You create the prettiest pictures in my head with your words, expressions, prolonged dashes and, even, vulgarity. I wish you the best, and want to share that.. first, I’m sorry (I’m sure you’ve heard that “enough”) and, two, I think “it” (how could I ‘nutshell’ what happened to you into a few words, or a phrase?) was providential — meaning, I doubt that you realized your gift of writing before the brick hit you “square in the face,” as it were. Now, your sphere of influence.. is without measure. And I’m a part of it. I’ll be following you.. God bless! -Aun Aqui

  27. Teaangel says:

    …and what keeps you coming back?

    You’re humor and honesty and sentences like this: “It’ll help me plan for the future, as I’m thinking of retooling the blog to be a bit more subtle, sophisticated, delicate and refined — just like my sweet, charming and gentle inner nature.

    Right. Fuck that!”

    love it,

    …Keeps me coming back; and before the Times link appeared!

  28. tknologlvr says:

    Looking forward to reading more.

  29. charlywalker says:

    Wow your Blog sure takes a Bite out of life……

    spread the humor: charlywalker.wordpress.com

  30. I love this!! Cant wait to read on…

  31. orange says:

    So which is Marilyn and which is Cassie?

    • Aha…great comment, and I can see the reason for the confusion. They are one-in-the-same person. When I first started this blog, I changed her name to Cassie from her real name. It was only after the “Is she hot” post that my readers started referring to her as “Marilyn,” thus establishing her identity in all future posts.

      I’ll consider changing it in that first post — for clarification.

      Thanks so much!

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  33. Wow…Having been cheated on before and finding out through emails and texts, I understand how much this sucks. =(

    • Well, I’m sending healing thoughts your way as well — even though you can feel totally healthy and “over it,” I know and feel the memory of betrayal — and it’s tough to overcome completely.

      Thank you for the thoughtful comment!

  34. I am so looking forward to reading more of this, thank you for sharing.

  35. I love your Blog.

    As I am nearing the END of a 10 year Long Custody Battle that has left me with a serious case of PTSD, I can totally relate to your Story. Mine ended up a little differently. I became Best friends with my Ex~husbands 2nd Ex~Wife (not in the house that Jack Built). That being the only postive thing that came out of the last 10 years of fighting with a man I stupidly thought I loved enough to have children with. I too, Blog about my Dumbass Ex. (in fact, in lieu of a real name… he IS literally DumbAss)…

    Even after 10 years…. It makes me feel good to say DumbAss. And it has become so freeing to not jump on his DumbAss Gerbil Wheel. I”m now standing outside the cage watching him spin through relationships all the while getting fatter and balder… While I am loving my Life that he is NOT a part of anymore.

    Ain’t Divorce & Shared Custody Grand.

    • I’m so looking forward to visiting your blog — and reading about your own DumbAss! ;)

      Isn’t it amazing to look back and consider that decision … having children with these people. I NEVER took that decision lightly, but I also NEVER anticipated such turmoil. It’s crazy to think back about the man he was then, and the woman I was, and how different we are now. And yes, I’m grateful for many of his choices because of the bullet I ultimtely dodged — but I feel sadness every day for the kids. :(

      Thank you so much for stopping by!

  36. Miki says:

    I am filled with curiosity. Why? Well, firstly I think it’s because your story triggered something within me that made me want to read MORE and secondly because your story actually wasn’t the end all be all of your life.

    From where I’m standing (actually sitting) I’d say it was the beginning. The beginning of something great to come and having shared your losses only makes you that much more of a person to want to learn from and resonate with on future posts.

    Failure/losses can be crappy – but it’s what we take from those failures/losses and decide to learn from that makes all the difference. I’m happy to have stumbled on you blog Mikalee!

    Thank you for sharing your story,
    Miki

    • It may be destiny, Miki … as “Miki” was my nickname growing up. Spelled exactly the same and everything! So welcome, name sister…

      Thank you for the perspective, and I hope you’re absolutely right: I do feel like I’m at the beginning of a wonderful chapter. Sadly, the old chapter keeps reopening, so I’m just hoping for that beautiful, necessary thing called CLOSURE. Soon? Perhaps…

      Again, thanks for being here, and I look forward to seeing you around these parts again!

  37. shinypigeon says:

    I see your grinning face liking posts I like, so I thought I ought to really see what this smiley lady was all about.
    And I am glad that your grin pulled me in. Your story has grabbed me.
    My parents went through the most horrendous divorce, my mother using me as her own personal therapist from aged 9 till 14, when I grew big enough balls to tell her to back off and find a grown up to verbally bash my dad to.
    I wish she had had a blog to out-pour to.
    I want to congratulate you on your strength, bluntess and attitude. Things in my short 24 years that have I used to survive the hardest of times.
    Stay strong and find ways to make yourself happy each day (like eating rice krispie cakes).

    • Well, shinypigeon, if you’re offering me a rice krispie cake … I’d gladly accept! That is something to be totally, completely happy about. The pretzels in my desk drawer, on the other hand: stale. And they taste like drawer. :(

      So first off: Welcome to our happy little community! I’m so glad you’re here. I’m absolutely horrified, however, at your story — I can’t imagine how hard that must have been on you, to hear your own mom bashing your dad during such incredibly tender, transformative years. I have an 8- and 11-year-old myself, and their health throughout this whole ordeal has been firmly in focus. I feel so bad for them that they’ve had to experience this kind of hardship, but it’s their reality. So my job is to try to make it as painless as possible. Not pain-free, mind you, because I can’t shelter them completely. There’s not enough bubble-wrap in the world!

      Anyhow, thanks for the kind words, and I can’t wait to hear more from you. Now I’m off to go see if there’s a Rice Krispie treat in the vending machine…

  38. David Lockeretz says:

    Hi Mikalee, just came across your blog. As someone who has been through a divorce a few years back (although in my case I was lucky that the legalities were quite simple) I know what it’s like when you realize the person with whom you were going to spend your life ends up being not being what you thought. But I want to give you props on turning your ordeal into an inspiration for others, and for having one of the great sailor-mouths I’ve come across in cybserpace. Keep up the good work.

    Best

    D

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  41. I am loving your honesty, your humor and your writing style. Having suffered through a pretty traumatic divorce myself, I am happy to have found your blog- it helps remind me why I still can’t stand being in the same room with the X :) Looking forward to reading what will surely be insightful, entertaining posts.

    • Why thank you — I’m so glad you’re here! There are many, many of us with the shared experience of crazy/awful/traumatic divorces, and I for one am grateful to share and learn from others on a site like this. I’m just wishing I would have started this right after the divorce — I think I would have been a lot more sane in those early days if I knew how “not alone” I truly was!

      Welcome — and thank you for commenting. :)

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  43. Hi Mikalee,

    I’ve been contemplating on commenting on your blog for a while now, but was hesitant. My blogging name says it all — my blog is the complete opposite of yours! I blog about the happily-ever-after and trying for the sake of a relationship, and you probably think that’s BS! Silly little newlywed! LOL …..So you can see the dilemma I had!

    Re: your blog…I can’t relate to your expeiences (and part of me hopes I never will), but I really like the way you talk about your experiences. It’s raw, honest, compelling and so descriptive! LOVE IT! If my life depended on it, I could never write that way! …..P.S. Have you ever considered writing a novel??

    Will be back to visit! :)

    • I’m SO glad you stopped by and commented — welcome, and thank you for the kind words!

      I also hope you know that I absolutely believe in love and trying for the sake of a relationship and commitment. Those things are not BS at all — the exact opposite, in fact. It just so happens that I was dealt a bad hand, and sadly, I did not have a husband who felt the same. So you and I aren’t really that far apart (though I certainly hope my outcome and your outcome are as FAR APART as possible!).

      I’m actually really glad you made this comment, because it highlights how optimistic I may actually be! I may not be ready to believe in the “fairy tale” quite yet, but I know that I’m not disillusioned about what love, marriage and commitment really mean.

      I wish you endless luck, and I look forward to stopping by your blog. And I will refrain from leaving mocking comments, I promise!

      And yes, the novel/tell-all/how-to book is forthcoming — once I find that ever-elusive publisher. I’ll put you on the short list for a signed copy once it hits the streets. ;)

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  48. Wow. Write a book and make millions. That’ll show him!

  49. Hello, you and your writing rocks! I hope I can write as well as you one day but I seriously doubt it. It was very kind of you to visit my blog and leave such a nice comment. I’ve never been to Nevada and would love to see it someday!

    • Aw, thank you! I loved your blog, and I’m grateful for your visit as well. Nevada is an interesting place: desert, forest, giant lakes and sparse desolate expanses all in one state. Definitely come for a visit some day … and I hope to see you around my blog again, too! :)

  50. chriswarne85 says:

    A song pour vous……

    She pushed in before me in the supermarket queue
    Pretended not to see me in that way women do
    She put on the counter some bread and milk too
    And then she pulled out five… DIFFERENT bottles of shampoo…
    And I thought to myself, ‘I will never understand women’
    And I hear some of you saying, ‘Yeah but all men are all the same!
    They all think they’re so cool and are ruled by their dicks’
    Well that’s true of some of us, but not of all of us
    So don’t point that finger so quick.

    I do see some of the blokes though
    In the clubs, pinching girls arses, trying to be intimidating
    Making obscene passes. Man, she’s a goddess, you can tell by the way she dances
    But you call her a slag when she don’t accept your advances
    You just show you got no respect for yourself
    Or you ain’t got the balls to just… TALK to a girl
    So when she chats to me, you spit at her and shout ‘Whore!’
    Well it is written in the art of war, to fight only the battles you can win.
    But I will defend your honour til they kick my face in!
    If you have to scrape me broken boned, bruised, bloodied, and battered up off the floor
    Well FUCK IT. Integrity, is what black eyes were invented for.

    So down with the dick-tatorship, that is so cock-sure
    They use rape as a weapon of war
    FUCK the man who thinks it’s ok to give his wife a punch
    FUCK the judge who says it weren’t rape cause she was drunk
    And if you’re pro-life… I mean if you’re PRO … LIFE
    Then become a doctor, or foster a kid
    Make it possible for people who are alive to live
    But don’t you dare tell women what they can and can’t do
    When it was a woman that gave LIFE to you!

    Yes, I’m a man, a fairly stereotypical one
    But I ain’t afraid to say I think all women are beautiful and strong
    Too fat? Too thin? Man that’s just media spin
    You look best when you’re comfortable in your own skin
    So I’m sorry if you feel undue
    If the truth be known… I’m in AWE of you
    You’re a giver of life, and a warrior too
    So do you really need FIVE different bottles of shampoo?

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  52. Caroline says:

    HI

    I’ve just been given a link to your blog. As one who also didn’t see the signs I know just how you felt!

    I had the added ‘bonus’ of my Ex dithering for 18 months! Oh what joy!

    Weak men – we don’t need them. As my Life Coach says “Real men don’t run” – what I’d like to know is “Where are the Real men!”

    Anyway – good luck to your amazing future!

    Caroline

  53. Your smile says that you have not been hardened and I don’t gather that you are all that bitter! I admire your strength. Unfortunately, people don’t come with little notes stapled to their collar (like us kids coming home from school) giving notice of behavior. It’s sad when people make a choice of betrayal, especially of family. And I don’t know anyone who can truly be a good parent when they can’t be a good and loyal life partner. I pray for many blessings on you and your children, that you would be healed, find true joy and be restored beyond measure.

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  55. vmck says:

    I’m 12 years post divorce, but this resonates tremendously.

    • I’m so glad you found it — and I firmly believe that there are so many of us out there who have shared experiences, feelings, memories, etc. because we’ve been through something so fundamentally tragic. Yet society doesn’t typically allow for any sort of supportive group healing/writing/talking — because if we do, we’re just being “bitter” and are all “hung up on our pasts.”

      Not true — and that dynamic needs to change. So this blog is my tiny contribution!

      Thank you for stopping by!

  56. twindaddy says:

    My marriage ended about a year before yours. Under different circumstances, but it was still a very painful process to struggle through. Five years later I still have trouble dealing with the fact that I’m a part time parent. On the weekends my kids aren’t with me I walk by their vacant room and melancholy washes over me. It’s extremely disheartening to look at that room without them being in there.

    I can tell you the hardest thing (for me, anyway) is to not say negative things about their mother when they’re around. I make that a priority, though, because I know how it felt when my father would talk disparagingly about my mother.

    I hope you find peace with your life. I have (mostly) found it in mine.

    Good luck on your journey.

    And do NOT shut the fuck up.

    • Wow, twindaddy: Can I relate! I even intentionally moved my home office, which used to be across the hall from my kids’ rooms. It was just too depressing to walk by their rooms when they’re not there. Ugh.

      Today is Monday, which is always either a very very good day of the week or a very very bad day. Today is a BAD day, as the kids left today. We have two weeks on/off joint physical custody, which is nearly IMPOSSIBLE. I don’t see my kids for half a month, every month. I hate it more than I can convey, so I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m so sorry for your pain.

      Please hang in there, and continue to take the high road (which can be such a lonely place). But your kids will appreciate you for it, and they will respect your demeanor as they reflect on their childhood. I constantly worry about this regarding my kids, as my ex and his wife tend to talk about me in very negative ways very often. Of course, I vent on this blog, but my kids don’t have access to it. I have to realize they will eventually, but I hope by then they can understand that at some point, enough is enough. I hope they see me as strong for protecting them from much of this venom, but also strong for standing up for myself and trying to help others, too. It’s a delicate balance.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I wish you continued healing, and I hope to see you around here again!

      • twindaddy says:

        Well, I can tell you from experience that your kids will eventually resent him for talking about you. My dad did the same thing and nowadays he doesn’t understand why we never want to be around him or spend time with him.

        I tolerate him for my children’s sake so that they have a relationship with their grandfather. I never knew either of my grandpas, so its important to me that they know him.

        Of course you will see me around here again. I really enjoy your writing style and I can certainly relate to your situation.

        • I am honored — thank you for the amazing support. And truly, I do worry that my kids will not see through this. They were so young when this first started, and the manipulation they’re encountering is a powerful force. I have faith in them — but I almost have more faith in the sheer power of subversive manipulation. It makes me sad.

          Thank you for being here — and for sharing your thoughts!

          • twindaddy says:

            The older your kids get, the better they’ll get to know you. Also, the older they get, they’ll become more adept at forming their own opinions. Eventually, what they know about you as a person won’t match what their sorry excuse for a father is telling them, and they’ll be on to him. It may not be until they’re teenagers, but they’ll figure it out.

            I have no doubt that things will work out for you in the end.

      • Dana says:

        Wow 2 on 2 off? What a sucky visitation schedule. Is it because of the state you live in? I don’t think John would have gotten such a generous arrangement from the state of NY. i guess it’s different everywhere.

        Don’t worry, the truth always comes through in the end. My mother’s father did a similar thing and once my mom and aunt no longer HAD to go see him anymore, they didn’t. All the lies and manipulation tend to catch up one day. And he ended up leaving the second wife eventually, it was just a real screwed up situation. Thankfully my mother is the nicest most normal person you could meet.

        Anyway maybe one day you could revisit the brick story. I’d be interested to hear about the immediate aftermath (did he move into Marilyn’s? Do the kids dislike her?). Anyways, looking forward to your next blog!-One of your faithful readers, Dana

        • Thanks, Dana — 2 weeks on/off is THE WORST. Of course, I love love LOVE it when it’s during my 2 weeks on — but on days like today, day 2 of my 2 weeks OFF, I hate hate HATE it! :(

          Yes, we live in a no-fault state, so the fact that he left me for another woman meant nothing to the courts. And in Nevada, you pretty much have to be a prostitute or a meth addict to NOT receive 50/50 joint physical custody.

          Now I wish I lived in New York!

          That’s an interesting suggestion, to revisit the days post-brick. I’ll have to chew on that a bit. Thank you for the inspiration! :)

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  58. Ruth says:

    I think we need to be friends :-)

  59. Melissa says:

    Wow. Having had the same type of news delivered to me via a computer too, I get it. You are a few years ahead of me so I’ll be reading with interest. Good to know there is life after the brickif there is life after the brick (or in my case, it was after 20 years of marriage and the video post from her to him with that God-forsaken Mariah Carey holiday song “All I Want for Christmas is You…” )

    Melissa

    • Yeah, that could really put a damper on the spirit of the holiday every time you innocently hear that stupid song. And considering most markets have at least 2 round-the-clock Christmas music stations at any given time, your chances are good at hearing that stupid song about 10 times per day.

      Personally, I shudder every time I see a brick. Good thing I don’t live in New England. Most houses in Reno are made of wood. ;)

      There is life “after,” I promise. It was four years ago this Christmas that I discovered the brick. I am in a happy, healthy relationship — but the game playing has continued on. So while I have healed from him, I constantly have to be thrown back into their drama … because they have my kids half the time. Ick.

      Keep writing, keep your head up and keep moving forward. One day at a time, right?

      Best of luck, and please reach out to any one of us if you need anything. I have the best community of supportive readers EVER!

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  62. My Mum is going to appreciate this blog, I will be sure to share!
    Thank you so much for the insight into your experience, it’s inspiring to read about what others have gone through in their divorce.

  63. the777man says:

    Wow! 2007 and was a suckish year. My divorce was actually final January 2008, but we separated in July of 2007. I am still in the re-invention of myself. He is still playing games with his New Wife/Ex-girlfriend/Fiance from college who he just married in July of 2011. She is as bad as he is with the games! I think she actually believes if she can make me look bad enough that my kids will love her more than me.

    The good part was that I finally figured out who he was trying to force me to be for 16 years! My daughter though is 18 and my son is 12. He is telling me that he wants to tell the Judge that he to live with me next year when he finally turns 13. I had to leave the area for financial reasons so I don’t get to have him as much right now, but when he is here it is all about him and he knows I am working really hard to get back there. (awe did I mention that he invited her to our wedding and she showed up? I should of known something was wrong then.)

    By the way, I graduated from H.S. in Reno Nv. That was way back in 82 though… LOL!

    Thank you for posting, and I am relieved to see that there is hope for a new man in my life.

    Peace be with you,
    Sj

    • Wow, Sj…we have lived parallel lives! I can relate only too well with the idea that the games continue. I don’t know about you, but I figured it would all die down as we got further away from the split (in time). But instead, I think because children and insecure new wives are involved, it’s only getting worse.

      With your children being older, I wonder how it has been for them? I only know my perspective, and I see my son having struggled much more (up to now) than my daughter — because he was 8 when this all started. Now, my daughter is 9, and she’s the one having difficulties. Perhaps it’s just that tender age? I do hope so…

      Anyhow, best of luck to you as you move forward as well. There is hope, trust me…not that you won’t have baggage. I know I do. Like, a TON of it.

      Take care!

  64. Pingback: What’s Your Divorce Name? « Me 2.0

  65. 1stjoeyanna says:

    Reblogged this on backwards222 and commented:
    Here it is 01/ 2021, and I came upon your blog! I have only read about Dumbass and Bitch so far, but I love your Blog! I love your writing,humor, and honesty! I can’t wait to continue reading your blogs! You Rock!

  66. Pingback: Top 5 Bizarre Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for the Cynical, Bitter and Jaded (Plus a Perky Giveaway!) « Me 2.0

  67. ditchthebun says:

    I would consider myself a pretty strong person… NOW… but I have been royally screwed over by 2 DumbAsses! The first tried to make me into a 50’s housewife then accused me of cheating with 2 guys (one was openly gay… I guess he didn’t know what that means… hence DUMBASS!) then tried to tongue one of my friends. He also spent much time syphoning from my account because he liked to gamble, good thing I wizened up and had my Mum open an account in her name, I just transferred half my pay in there every week. The second cheated on me with a druggie chick who didn’t like to use condoms, I was pretty cluey by this stage and knew something was going on, found proof, confronted him told him I was done… he proceeded to refuse to move out and pretty much stalk and threaten me for 7 months – cue police supervised moving out :)
    If it happened again, hmm I don’t think I would react well. In your case I would have done everything you did, but I also would have contacted the brick maker people (without telling dumbass) and told them there was a mistake on the brick. That way when he took his bitch friend up to surprise her with the brick… your name would be on it not hers :) EVIL!!!

    • You ARE evil…but so, so, sooooo good. I wish I had the composure at that point in my life to do just that. Alas, I didn’t even have the composure to forward that stupid email to myself so that I could have the picture for posterity. I mean, that brick was just too good to make up!

      I want to say I can’t believe what these two dumbasses did to you…but sadly, I can. It does sound like things are better now, though. I don’t know about you, but I definitely feel better off in many ways having gone through this mess. I am stronger and wiser (as you mentioned being as well). Sadly, though, I’m also far less trusting. And maybe just a little jaded…

      • ditchthebun says:

        I am the same, less trusting, little jaded, much more cynical. I have certainly lost that awesome virtue of feeling that there is good in everyone… still mourn that sometimes. But on the other hand my ‘Nubby’ nickname for ‘New Hubby’ as we are newly weds had come out of a worse relationship (his was abusive) so our friendship at first was breaking down each others walls and building up that trust. You find the one that is worth it when they make the effort to deal with your baggage I guess hahaha

        • Congrats to you on finding a “Nubby” (I do LOVE that, btw) and for discovering the capacity to trust again. That’s HUGE.

          And yes, it’s ALL about the baggage handling, isn’t it? Problem for me is, it’s very slow going. I wish there were a handbook…

  68. Phenom says:

    Just starting to read your story this week and am totally awed and inspired. Can’t wait to delve deeper during divorce-stress induced bouts of insomnia ;)

    • Aww, thank you, Phenom. Although I wish I could do something to help the insomnia — man do I remember those days…

      Actually, come to think of it, I still HAVE those days…

  69. Hatboro Mike says:

    Geez … I can’t imagine doing something so uncaring and selfish to someone I cared about. Obviously he didn’t, and you are better off (Pardon my inappropriate judgementalism.)

    Best of luck with the new you!

    • Not at all — that’s pretty appropriate judgmentalism. I speak the truth, so you’re welcome to respond. In fact, I invite it! (Hence the “Comments” section and all…)
      ;)

  70. sweetsound says:

    8 months out of my own divorce… thanks for sharing your experience.

  71. Lisa Maxwell says:

    Thank you for expressing so eloquently all the thoughts I have been feeling for the past three months.
    At least you got “concrete” evidence, all I got after nine years of marriage, was an “it’s not you, it’s me” text.It gets even better. After ignoring him for eight days he contacts me and we meet for breakfast. At this point I have no idea what I am dealing with, we talk and for some dramatic reason I give him back my wedding and engagement rings. I know what your thinking and yes he proposed to his lost love that evening with the ring that had been on my finger for ten plus years.
    The woman is clueless and my husband is very charming, she has no idea we are still married. They are living in some fantasy world from eighteen years ago, and for some odd reason I don’t want to burst their bubble.
    When I finally realized I was not dealing with the typical breakdown of a marriage, I started to research lost/first love online. Almost all of the stories I read were of people who have reconnected with their first loves. Their tales are full of passion, excitement, intensity, etc. ad nauseum ….not what one wants to read when they are on the losing side. Especially when you know the person you love is feeling these exact same things, not because of you, but in spite of you.
    Today it was refreshing to read your blog. I know that might sound weird, but it was as if you went through my brain and pulled out all the negativity I have been holding onto for the past three months. You made me laugh and you made me cry. You also made me realize I am not alone and for every story I read about people reconnecting, it reminded that their was at least 1 to infinity people who were hurt because of someone else being selfish.
    I am forever in your gratitude. Good luck and good karma.

    • Lisa, this is one of the kindest, most amazing comments I’ve ever received — thank you for stopping by, reading some of my story and taking the time to leave such meaningful feedback. Stories like yours are exactly the reason I started this blog. I’m so tired of society asking us to stay below the radar, keep our heads down, and simply “move on” with life. For some it’s that easy — but for others, not so much.

      Your story about the ring breaks my heart. What is wrong with these people, anyhow? All we can take away from experiences like this is the knowledge that we deserve so much better — respect, loyalty, commitment, etc. I know it’s hard to imagine now, but you’re far better off for discovering this man’s true character now.

      Best of luck as you continue your healing process. Do know that you’re not alone (there are many, many readers here who have cringe-worthy, you-can’t-make-this-shit-up stories, reaffirming for us all the idea that our community has “been there, done that.” Feel free to bounce thoughts, ideas, questions, etc. off of us, if you’d like: We’re here to help!

      Take care,

      Mikalee

  72. So much fun to read!

    I see you everywhere, you are a fresh pressed comment queen!- So I had to check you out- No regrets!

  73. I must agree with “Handsome Lover of Words”; I see you everywhere and have always meant to visit your blog (right after I commented myself) and never remembered. I’m glad I finally did. And I’m glad I went to the beginning. I feel your pain in every post. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through what you have and that you still face so much every day. I appreciate the way you’re trying to channel your feelings and confusion here in an effort to protect your children from it. I’m praying for you, girl!

    • Aww, thank you — I can’t tell you how much support like this means.

      I do get around on Freshly Pressed posts, don’t I? It’s kinda my thing…

      I’m so glad you started from the beginning, because parts of the story really are chronological in nature. But part of my 2.0 version is simply sharing my musings and bizarre life, so the more recent posts are definitely less chronological.

      Again, thank you for commenting and taking the time to read my words. I’m honored!

      • You’re welcome. I appreciate blogs that are not shy about pain. I write about that a lot–it’s what brings me the deepest connection with people. We have too much in common with each other not too share what we’re going through.
        I must say, you have inspired me to really get into commenting on others’ blogs more than I had. I’m learning to appreciate the community here and discover a lot of good writers in the process (and yes, I want more people to find me! :)
        I find that it’s always important for me to start at the beginning–after all, that’s the only logical place where I would want you to start with me. (Everything else makes so much better sense that way!)

        • Ah yes, begin at the beginning. Excellent advice!

          And I’m honored to have inspired your new commenting initiative. It’s an amazing thing to engage in conversations via this medium — I love it, and I have learned so much from my incredible readers…as well as the incredible blogs I’ve read!

          Thank you again for visiting, and I look forward to seeing you around here more often!

  74. Jen says:

    Wow. Thank you for sharing this. My husband of 12 yrs met someone at work. I had been contently going through life busting my ass to be mom, wife , and employee. He never even gave us a chance . I’m devastated.

    • Oh Jen — I can feel your pain seeping through your words, and my heart breaks for you. I remember how sad, lonely and devastated I was at the beginning too, and I can only imagine this is where you’re at right now. Please know that you’re not alone. You need to grieve, and you need to embrace your friends/family (I’m hoping you have some handy) like NEVER before.

      I hate to say it’ll get better — that was the WORST to hear when I first saw the brick and ordered him out of my house — but I promise, it will. You definitely need to find ways to heal, however. Therapy, friends, writing, kick boxing…something!

      I do hope to see you around these pages again — please keep us updated on how you’re doing. And remember: We’re here for you!

  75. And, after 16 years, I’m just starting to divulge little things on my blog about divorce, parental alienation and Crazyville. I guess I’ll be stirring up a few dead ghosts as I lay things to rest – because I can. It’s my blog. May the angels protect the innocent and the Devil play with the guilty! Looking forward to catching up on your posts from here. Donna

    • Excellent — I’ll definitely be checking your blog out as well. We divorce soul sisters need to stick together — and if you’ve got parental alienation issues and visitors from Crazyville in your life, then we’re definitely of the same ilk!

  76. If I must, I must.

    I’ve never been divorced. (Why she still likes me after 23 years I’ll never know, but I’m glad she does.) But I have suffered betrayal that was both devastatingly personal and career changing. Will I ever write about it? Probably not. It’s been nearly 20 years and I can’t see reliving it again after all this time. I’ve forgiven them and I bear no malice. I’m also comforted by the knowledge that when they die, they will know the truth, and they will judge themselves for their errors.

    I was deeply touched by your story. I admire your sense of self-respect and inner strength that allowed you to put an end to a wonderful-journey-turned-train-wreck, and carry on with grace and a sense humor. I’m looking forward to reading about your life, as much of it as you’re willing to share.

    There are so many here who have experienced similar catastrophes, who find hope, purpose, and inspiration through your extremely well-told stories and revelations. For any number of reasons, that includes me.

    Thank you for what you do.

    • Wow…I mean, seriously: WOW! Thank you so much for sharing your observations — and for your support. All comments on this blog mean so much to me, but comments like yours mean the absolute world…because you clearly have been there, done that and understand why someone would do what I’m doing on these silly little pages.

      I wish you continued healing — and continued reading! Please come back and visit…
      :)

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  78. paywindow7 says:

    Very sorry for the hurt in your life and nothing I can say to make it easier, only time will heal it. Leaves a scar but it will heal. Sounds like you have good kids and that can be part of your support system.
    There’s an old saying that goes something like: ” if he’ll cheat with you then he’ll cheat on you”. That being directed at both Marilyn Bitch and John Dumbass. So their days as a couple are numbered.
    There is also an old asian martial arts philosophy that calls for the fighter to “center yourself” to find your inner strengh, peace and calm.

    • The scar for me takes the shape of an intrinsic, paralyzing lack of trust — and poor Boyfriend Brett is the only one who really has to deal with that. So far, at least…

      Thanks for the awesome support. I have no doubt that I’m totally better off for the whole ordeal. I only wish my children could feel that same emotion, yet for them, their lives are more tumultuous that I can even imagine. Fifty-fifty joint physical custody (2 weeks on/2 weeks off) means they lead dual lives.

      And I’m definitely doing everything in my power to “center.” This blog is part of that process, as is hearing from readers like you. Thank you again!

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  80. Dan Bain says:

    I hope John Dumbass reads your blog and feels small. Very, very small.

    Kudos to you.

  81. Kevin says:

    Just read your story. (For what it’s worth – coming from a man) Trust again – we’re not all bad. Don’t give him the satisfaction of taking away your ability to love and trust again. “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” ~ Anderson

  82. scott says:

    Have you started your book yet? I have done a little writing, mostly technical stuff. You are more entertaining than I am. I shoot for the facts most of the time….

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  84. Kat says:

    I will definitely start following your story as I can relate. Went through a shitty divorce in 2006. It’s the basis for a memoir I’m currently writing. I had a blog chronicling it, but the ex couldn’t handle it, so I bowed to the pressure to end it. Wish I never had! Gave up too much for him. Pleased to say that six years later, I’m MUCH HAPPIER.

  85. Denise says:

    We were together for 8 years before we married and my 10th wedding anniversary was on Christmas eve, 2003. I received the most beautiful ring as a gift. 5 months later in 2004 he walked out the door and my life came crashing down all around me. He of course was cheating and I figured out who it was with. At first I tried to figure out how I caused this to happen and I must be a horrible person . . . . then I got up the guts and confronted her. She was nothing special – she had two kids from different men and had never been married. She wrecked the relationships these men were in as well. Seemed to be her M O.

    I had given up having kids to be with this man (that could not father children and he didn’t want to seek out other options) because I loved him. My baby years came and went and then this is what he did to me. How stupid was I? I look back at all of the signs and now know this was not the first one he cheated with either. We had no kids to fight about but we had real estate. It took me over 2 years to get divorced. After he left – he would come back to the house and I would wake up at night with him next to me in bed until I got a court order to change the locks. How freaky is that? The games this one played was nuts! My divorce was final on Friday the 13th in January of 2006. I picked the date on purpose once we got to the point of finalizing things. Now, fast forward 6 years later. I still at times have a hard time with my current relationship due to my past. However, my man loves me heart and soul and has stuck by my side through the good and the bad times. He is my best friend and the best part is I realize that in my past relationship – things were really bad and I was married to an insecure guy that made me feel like I had to prove my love over and over again. With my guy now – it just feels like home. We are in each others heads and love similar things. No one needs to prove our love – it just flows.

    I kept all of our friends and family (even his family) and no one could believe my ex could do this to me. Most have met my guy now and they love him like I do and see how happy I am. He has no kids either and although its sad – it gives us freedom to travel and do the things we love to do. So, its true that things don’t happen the way you think they should but somehow – they happen the way they are supposed to be. I was not with the right person and now I feel that I am.

    I think by writing your story – its great therapy and I thought I would share mine with you. As others have said above in your blogs – they are writing about theirs as well. Wouldn’t it be great to collect and combine some of them to write a screen play and have them intertwine somehow? Its real life stuff – names are changed to protect the innocent and the guilty . . .

  86. Grace says:

    Hello Ladies~!!
    Nice spot here. I thought I’d share my tale. I was never 100% “faithful” until I met my husband (still call him that even though he is now my X). When we met, it was a “there you are!” kind of experience. From the first time I looked into his eyes, I never looked at another man “in that way” ever again. And yes, I was totally devoted and faithful. Still haven’t found another man interesting in that way frankly and we’ve been apart now for 12 years.
    We are still “friends”. And seriously when I was just turninig 50 (after 20 yrs of marriage) and he was telling me he was in another relationship (with a 30 something co-worker) I was beyond furious. I felt I’d “wasted the pretty” and now I was going to be 50 and alone???4

    Interesting in terms of abandonment and betrayal issues I had from my childhood!

    Well – now I’m coming up on 61 and still alone but not lonely at all. I love it actually. I got to meet my “soul mate” and I do believe we were. Sometimes, you best friend/soul mate is the person you work things out with and then are actually supposed to move on, incorporating that growth.

    I am happy actually. I had never lived alone before. Had always been in relationship before. And now – he’d have to be pretty friggin amazing for me to give up the peaceful freedom I now have. And, frankly, men in my age group are either married or pretty f’d up and as a prior “therapist”…I’m fairly done with that path in terms of “fixing” men.

    Life goes on. I don’t discount or reject the possibility of another relationship, but I don’t “need” it. It would be bonus not necessity.

    Enjoy your lives Ladies.

  87. royminor says:

    I can’t find a funny way to work “Shitting Bricks” into the comment for this…

  88. Maggie O'C says:

    The Irish forget everything but the grudge. Oddly that’s the second time I have written that to a blogger in the past hour.

    Great blog.

    Can’t believe the two on/two off thing. That’s rough. I have teenagers so I’m happy when I get my five days off :)

  89. annabelle says:

    Just hopped on. Thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty. Just love it. I love your writing and your courage. We have very similar situations to many on this post. Its rampant in society. The bigger question that needs to be answered is “why? ” Does marriage mean anything anymore? What does it mean? Can so many ‘two-somes’ end up in the same dead-end-somes? There are some situations that are very obvious that won’t work out. But what about the thousands/millions of others that started out with such great promise– little-house-on-the-prairie-like promise– hard work TOGETHER and real play and loving times amidst the challenges that endow us with perspective.

    It has been 6 years of ‘girl interrupted’ (has nothing to do with movie but the title is laden with meaning). To me, the biggest horror is the ‘telling of lies to justify what my ex behaved into”. In one full swoop he made a unilateral decision to discount the incredible life we shared as a family unit for 13 years–while we were in the midst of a construction project on our home that he so desperately wanted. His lies (I call them ‘vital lies) turned the fairy-tale book life of love, devotion and commitment I worked hard to cultivate into one big lie because he wanted to ride off into the sunset with his new found ‘candy’ and he needed to justify it. I was the best wife, lover, mom and career woman I set out to be. It was real stuff. And one day (after several months of degrading me for the first time in our marriage to make me feel small enough to leave on my own– which I didn’t ‘get’ til later) he just suddenly and gradually ‘spit’ on our world– but not until, I should add, unbeknownst to me, he siphoned down the equity in our home — equity I came to the marriage with after I paid off his college loans. I am not sure what was worse, the financial infidelity or the ‘other woman’ one.

    He came home and said, “Can you have compassion for me that you just don’t ‘do it’ for me anymore.” He said, “I love you…it is just that I am not ‘in-love’ with you.”– took him 13 years and 2 kids to figure that out (5 years in between kids and 5 years of marriage before our first child to figure that out). Then he went on to say, “Let’s just tell the kids and everyone that we didn’t get along.” — these are the people whom we opened our door too not only on holidays but all throughout the year— they saw our life together was real. Interesting because just prior he wrote me an anniversary card in his own words that said, ” You are the sun on my face and the wind in my sails. I wish that every husband could find the companionship I found with you.”

    I love it when people say, “oh, you guys must have had a ‘bad’ marriage,”, or “you two must have not gotten along”, as if they know in their own marriages, “how to get along”. Your husband does not write such words in an anniversary card if he felt that way. It is also difficult to deal with the lie, “it’s been so long (years) that I have been miserable in this marriage…” as they hop into a car with their new-found love to greener pastures…only those pastures were soggy and dirt brown. He’s not with her now because she worked on her career for too long and never had children and now wanted to have them with him. He didn’t think about asking her what she wanted before blowing up his own family unit that consisted of a 2 year old and a 7 year old. He took my 7 year old aside and said, “You know, you are the same age I was when my father left my mother (she was pregnant with second child) and now I am leaving your mom. We just don’t get along.” Of course my precocious 7 year old son demanded, “work on it daddy, work on it (something we used to say to him when something became a challenge but clearly this rule does not apply to ‘daddies’). When our daughter asked him just recently (the 2 year old who is now 8), “why did you leave Dad?”, he answered candidly, “Because I wasn’t interested in your mom anymore.”, to which she queried quizzically in a fashion only an 8 year old daughter would, “Why?” He answered eloquently, ” Because I was interested in someone else.” Interesting that on mother’s day 2007 before our divorce he asked me for breakfast and said, ” it was all execellent. It just stopped working, you know?”, as if to get my approval for his post-haste departure.

    It seems to me that many people who leave their families in many situations (though there are certainly exceptions, especially with co-dependence) were never committed to begin with. It’s a cop out. It is a sign of people who do not have coping skills except to ‘lie’, not only to others but also to themselves. There is no self-awareness. They defy any hint of the potential to be self-aware…thus they will never grow and evolve. That is work they need to do for themselves. we, as partners can only be supportive– and that was I – wholeheartedly devoted…and stupid.

    Basically these people feel entitled, “I can do what I want, when I want, because I can.” In many situations the partner cannot know that the love-of-their-life who committed to them will do this until it just happens— because the partner is too busy trying to support them and not judge. Yet, despite all the stories, people continue to get married and believe divorce won’t happen to them. I did that. I had a doting husband until he stopped doting. I had a nice husband, until he wasn’t. Bottom line, in the words of Jenny Sanford, ‘staying true to your own values’ is all the ‘leavee’ can do. We cannot get drug into the mud with the ‘leaver’s’ bad choices. We leavees must steady our boats as the winds pick up and stay true to who we are as individuals.

  90. So I have blindly written my first blog. I have no idea how to work this site and I am somehow clicking and finding interesting things to read. I stumbled upon you and believe I may have found a gem. I get it. The way you say things makes sense to me. Fuck divorce. Divorce is stupid. But good for you :)

    As I have said many times in my life, the universe is about balance. And if the universe is about balance then at some point I am entitled to a lot of good shit. Sounds like you are too.

  91. Kristy says:

    I can relate…my blog is myrenaissancelife.net and it’s about just that, my new life. I look forward to catching up on your blog as I’ve just now stumbled upon it. I agree with signs, that’s what propelled me to start making the changes in my life. Be well ~Kristy

  92. Way too late to comment on this, but I felt like I had to… You blew my mind with this post. I cannot possibly imagine how gut-wrenching it must’ve felt like to have seen the picture – how did he DARE? Unbelievable… I found your blog a little late, despite seeing you here in WordPress World for quite a while now, but I’m definitely going to read your posts and follow up for new ones. Keep up the good work, you’re definitely making a difference! Lots of love form a Finn living in Denmark.

    • Not too late at all — because I appreciate any and all visitors, regardless of when they join the “party.” Thank you for the feedback — yes, it was the most unbelievable thing in the world, and to this day I struggle with the trust issues that the brick inspired. But I’m pushing through it and getting better every day … especially as I connect with more and more sympathetic folks like you! Thank you again…

  93. It’s obvious to me…your ex and my ex are identical twins when it comes to deception and worthlessness. Yet this saying rings true: “When you catch your ex cheating with another, the best revenge is to let her have him”. ~ And writing about it feels pretty good too!

    • That is my favorite quote EVER — it’s even listed on my Facebook “favorite quotes” page!

      I’m sorry you had a similarly deceptive experience with a similarly worthless tool. But we’re better off for it — at least we don’t need to spend our lives tied to them anymore!

  94. What can I say… I am not divorced and I am a man… you write very well.
    Stalker ;-)

  95. Pingback: Goodbye, Boyfriend Brett… « Me 2.0

  96. lostnchina says:

    Well, I’m a little late finding this post. But you actually made a very painful situation (somewhat) less painful to read. (Very belatedly) sorry about your divorce, but congratulations on all the inspiration it’s given you!

    • No apologies necessary — the divorce has made me a stronger … and ultimately, far happier person! I’m so thankful for supportive comments like yours — thank you from the bottom of my blogging heart!

  97. The Guat says:

    Holy Crap! It’s been two years since you’ve written this post and I am just finding it now … I read your divorce story on the same day I read your engagement story and even though they are both completely different emotionally they are pretty awesome stories. I’m sorry about this happening to you, but I am glad that I got a chance to read your story. Nice to meet you.

    • Nice to meet you, too! That’s too funny — reading such diametrically opposite posts on the same day. I’m absolutely glad you stopped by, though, and I hope to see you around these parts again!

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