Goodbye, Boyfriend Brett…

It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

Of course, it may or may not be well documented that I can’t see the signs for the life of me. Remember all those cards and notes from my ex proclaiming his undying love – and then the “didn’t you see the signs” entreaty at the end of my marriage.

I’m fucking oblivious. Clearly.

But I had more faith in Boyfriend Brett. Which shocked me, considering the backstory. Considering my backstory.

I had learned to have faith in us. Somewhere along the way, I had decided that this was supposed to be a typical Boy-Meets-Girl love story.

  • Boy(friend Brett) meets Girl (whose marriage ended with a brick) online.
  • Boy doesn’t freak out that the entire encounter is part of a cover story about online dating that Girl is writing for a regional lifestyle magazine.
  • Boy proves that he neither wants to paint Girl green like the alien in the Star Trek movie and sleep with her, nor that he has any desire to end their relationship with a brick.
  • Girl runs for the hills in only minor hysteria almost daily as she learns to trust again, little by little. Boy watches her run and welcomes her back with open arms upon her return, massaging the shin splints she earned from all that fucking running.
  • Boy meets Girl’s two children from previous marriage and welcomes them into his life.
  • Girl meets Boy’s two children from previous marriage and welcomes them into her life.
  • Alice the Maid gets the center square in the sitcom opener.
  • Girl realizes she never hired Alice the Maid. Crap.
  • Boy and Girl live together forever in blissfully jaded harmony, shirking common mores prescribing a future of marriage, picket fences and “always and forever.” Because all that’s a myth anyhow.

So yeah. That didn’t happen. But whatever.

Except I’m not feeling the “but whatever.”

It’s safe to say I’m devastated by the loss of Boyfriend Brett.

What will I miss about him, you ask?

  • I will miss having a boyfriend who buys me silly, bizarre, pointless gifts.

    Nun bowling. Neither of us is particularly anti-Catholic, I assure you…it was just a random find.

  • I will miss a boyfriend who can ghost hunt with me – and appreciate that the only “spirits” we found were in a bar.

    WE FOUND SPIRITS! And they were yummy…

  • I will miss kicking my boyfriend’s cute-as-a-button ass at air hockey.

    Granted, 5-4 isn’t exactly a “kick-ass” game. But I had to let him feel good about himself, right?

  • I will miss a boyfriend who needs-needs-NEEDS airport video poker and Bloody Mary’s prior to departing for adventure.

    This, friends, was “pre-airplane-hives.”

  • I will miss my boyfriend’s doodles – the ones in which he makes me look like a gender-neutral character from a Dr. Seuss tale on a restaurant to-go carton:

    I think this man-girl was featured in Dr. Seuss’ ABC Book. Under “G” for “gender crisis.”

…then edits to accommodate my insecurities:

Thanks for the nipples, babe. That helped.

…and the ones in which he defiles my daughter’s American Girl catalog:

It’s Captain Jack Sp… — oh shit, that’s an American Girl doll…

He may or may not have issues. About dolls. Seriously.

  • And finally, I will miss alliteration. I mean, how many boyfriends could I have met with a first name starting with a “B” to go so nicely with “Boyfriend”? Sure, there’s Brian and Balthazar. Babar and Bevis. Burt and Billy. Bud and Brutus. Barnum and Bailey. And about 311,225,909.89 other “B” names, according to most baby-naming websites. But seriously, what are the odds that Brett’s name would start with a “B”?

(OK, according to my calculations, it’s about one in two. But whatever.)

Shallow, right? I mean, who would say “alliteration” is on the list of things they’ll miss in a boyfriend?

I would. Because while I lost a boyfriend – it seems I gained a fiancé.

Let me give you a sec to really take that in.

I — the blindsided, slightly bitter, definitely jaded writer chick — am engaged. Not “engaged” like “…in a really interesting conversation.” Nope. “Engaged” as in, “…to be married.”

I know, right?

I don’t know how it happened. And maybe this will be fodder for a future blog post — one that will appear sooner than later. And while I’m at it, I must apologize for being visibly absent this past few weeks, and all I can say is: My life has been in a bit of turmoil.

Because even though I love Boyfriend Brett with all my heart, this is the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken in my entire life. FUCKING HUGE, friends. Even bigger than marriage #1. Far bigger, in fact — and those of you who’ve “been there, done that” through a blindsiding breakup can relate, I’m sure.

How do I know this won’t happen again? How do I trust that there’s no Marilyn in Brett’s past? How do I not duck every time the word “brick” is bandied about in daily conversation?

(OK, so perhaps “brick” isn’t a daily topic. Dramatic license, people. Sheesh.)

I don’t know. I can’t know.

But today, I’m ok with that.

Tomorrow I might be curled up in the fetal position, huffing and puffing into a brown paper bag in a dark corner, but today: I’m ok.

Today, though, what I do lament is the loss of alliteration. I mean, couldn’t his name be Felipe? Fernando? Fabio?

(Never mind the fact that deep down, I clearly desire a European man with long flowing hair and ripped abs…)

Then he could be “Fiancé Ferdinand.” Or something like that.

Until then, I guess we just wait for the day he will be “Husband.” Because luckily, “Husband Hugh” is an option. For the purposes of this blog, at least.

Notice how he looks to be holding onto me for dear life? That’s so I don’t run. Yet.

So everyone, while this post represents the end of the beginning, it’s also a new beginning altogether.

I’m still slightly bitter. I’m still jaded. I’m still scared shitless.

But I’ve decided to take a stand against my own backstory. And I do believe a stand like this may just be the ultimate “fuck you” to the gutless cowards who betray a spouse.

Because while the way my ex ended our marriage did forever change me, it did not fundamentally change me. I may not be the doe-eyed, trusting and naive girl who believes in a fairy-tale forever, but I do still believe that an honest relationship can result in real commitment that may just last forever.

Fingers crossed.

And guess what? The Universe may just have sent a personalized sign my way the very day of our engagement. Look what was in my backyard:

Oh. My. GOD. He’s alive. It’s a SIGN!

So, friends: Any advice for me? Words of wisdom for Boyfriend — er, I mean, Fiancé Brett? Was the backyard squirrel an omen? Am I fucking crazy?

Time will tell. And I hope you all stay right by my side to see how this new chapter unfolds. Because if history has taught me anything, it’s that plenty more “you can’t make this shit up” is still to come…

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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276 Responses to Goodbye, Boyfriend Brett…

  1. lexiesnana says:

    This was so cute.Hope you are as happy as my husband and me after almost 40 years!

  2. loved this! congrats to you, your fiance, and the squirrel!

  3. utomosetyo2008 says:

    interesting post

  4. This was super cute (the nipples picture was great) – does he know you have a blog? What if he finds this post?

    Advice: Head out with the girls and have a blast – never linger in the past when all you have to do is move forward.

    • Definitely good advice, except my fiance wouldn’t approve. (There’s a twist about mid-way through the post: While I’m saying “goodbye” to “Boyfriend Brett,” I’m also saying “hello” to my new fiance!)
      :)

      Thank you so much for reading — and yeah, the nipples were pretty awesome…

  5. Did this post mean you are engaged?
    ;)

    Ghost.

  6. Debra Colby-Conklin says:

    Congrats Mikalee! You deserve this happiness! And boyfriend Brett…whoops Fiance Brett is definitely a Cutie Keeper!

  7. LKD says:

    Congratulations and yay for new beginnings! I’m getting married next year, and I look forward to following your wedding adventures. :)

    Lorna

  8. Frankie says:

    Congratulations! I’ve not got round to reading your back-story yet (I assure you, I will) but it sounds like you’re ready for a dose of happiness.
    Nice one Brett, I hope he proposed in some clever and original way?

    • Thank you, Frankie — I’m so grateful for the support! The proposal was perfect — intimate and meaningful. He knows me so well.

      I’m so glad you’re along for the journey…thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

  9. The Guat says:

    Holy Crap this was one of the funniest post I’ve read. I saw your like button on one of the Freshly Pressed pieces and decided to click. You hooked me with the description.

    I swear I thought wow what an interesting break-up post she’s still finding humor in it all and then BAM engaged. I thought that was so great. For someone whose been married I get the “good-bye boyfriend” scenario. Hilarious and creative. Great post. I don’t know if you’ll ever read this comment considering you’ve got 75 million followers and all but thought I would leave you my congratulations. I will definitely be checking into your posts. Me…2.0 funny.

  10. Forget Fiance Ferdinand, I can’t believe you missed Betrothed Brett. Great story and congrats.

  11. Matt Thomas says:

    Many congratulations from all of us at WordPress.com, Mikalee. :)

  12. harperfaulkner says:

    Holey Moley!

    • See what you missed in your absence? You weren’t all that far off when you told me you hoped I was married, pregnant and espousing Scientology. Well, except the pregnant and espousing Scientology part. Oh yeah, and I’m not YET married. But whatever.
      ;)

      • harperfaulkner says:

        You scared me with your post, but then, a happy ending! Yea, I love a happy ending. No more bitter Mikalee. Now, sweet Mikalee, with hearts and flowers and fairies, etc. Can’t wait! HF

        • …you’ll probably be waiting a LOOOONG time for the hearts and flowers and unicorns and whatnot. “Sweet Mikalee”?!?! Who the hell is that?
          ;)

          But guess what? I’m happy! That counts for something, right?

          SO great to have you back in our little corner of the blogosphere, HF!

  13. Jean says:

    Sorry to hear of your break-up with Brett. Give yourself time and tears.

    • No need to be sorry — there’s a twist to the story, which I shared about halfway down: While I’m saying “goodbye” to my “boyfriend,” I’m also saying “hello” to my fiance! We’re engaged…

      Thanks for the comment and compassion, though… ;)

  14. Posky says:

    I would totally consider getting a new boyfriend who can draw breasts better. I do like his take on American Girls though.

    My advice is to get wild, have some adventures, have some fun, flirt, get something sexy going, make a few boys dreams come true, take a trip, then relax and see what happens.

  15. Sarah Piazza says:

    Congratulations!

  16. Congratulations to you and your Beloved Brett! (I love alliteration too.) May you and your families have much love and happiness and just enough crazy shit to laugh about throughout the years.

  17. Androgoth says:

    I just hope that your fiance can draw better than your X :)
    Mind you, drawing is one thing but can he… Well never mind
    let’s just visualise it in the metaphorical sense, otherwise
    anything could happen :) lol Have a wicked weekend Me 2.0

    Androgoth

  18. lifeandothermisadventures says:

    Congratulations! I too know how hard it can be to take that leap of faith, but I think it’s a good choice! And certainly, the best revenge is happiness. :)

  19. Christina says:

    Congratulations! I don’t have much advice. I was married quite young (at 19) to a military man. It’s been a long and bumpy 6.5 years, but here we are two kids later and I haven’t offed him yet ;) I wish you both all of the happiness in the world!

  20. John says:

    Hey hey! I miss an article and THIS is the topic?! Congrats, Miss Mikalee. I’m so very happy for you!

  21. tartanmoose says:

    Ahhhh… I was a little worried at the start of the blog and now I’m sitting with a stupid grin on my face. Congratulations to you both. xx

  22. Lol, I remember drawing the same mustached demon creations on my American girl catalogs when I was a kid! Come to think of it, I would also remove the heads from Barbie dolls, draw handlebar mustaches on them and keep them in a seperate box from the bodies. Thanks for reminding me of what an odd child I truly was.

    By the way, congrats on the engagement! Sorry if this comment was a little intense… :)

  23. Congrats on the big step. It is hard to trust again after all of that. And yet, here you are.

  24. comdude says:

    You did what? I swear, it’s been so long… I need to change my avatar thing. Just logged in to find Boyfriend Brett is Adios Amigo and wait, no, it can’t be, you’re engaged to the SAME GUY! I suppose I can let you slide. All the way down. Oooh.

  25. Mikael Guggenheim says:

    Well. Congratz! Started reading and thinking like the rest that you’ve broken up and then.. Lovely written. Now I’m enjoying reading all that comment on your “breakup”. It’s so nice to read how people show that they didn’t actually read the full post :P

  26. Great post, enjoyed the suspence and twist in your story

  27. Congratulations. Any man that can so easily give you boobs like that is a keeper.

  28. hahaha! Good article… You totally had me going the other direction! Life is long and you’ll be fine. Best Wishes.

  29. The Hook says:

    Good luck in your bright future, young lady! You deserve happiness more than most…

  30. I absolutely loved this! You are a fantastic writer. Seriously. I was starting to get all sad thinking shit, this sucks dude, but then it was a happy ending… Hooray! Thanks for sharing.

    CONGRATULATIONS xx

  31. Congratulations! This is amazing news, so happy for you. I used to read your blog all the time when I was living in NYC but managed to lose the link to it when I moved back to the UK (change of computers etc) I’m glad I found you again and glad things are going so well (I must admit you almost had me worried things had gone horribly wrong with boyfriend Brett, glad to see on continuing reading all is good and it’s a new begining)

  32. Mikalee, it’s after Thanksgiving and you NEED to write another blog post!

  33. I just went 6 months without writing a post on my blog MB…..I kinda expect that of me….but YOU?…..really?……..c’mon…pony up a post…..

    Oh….and HUGE congratulations….

  34. Congrats… I love the humor! :)

  35. You had me going for a minute there too. I’m delighted for both of you. I used to do the same thing in magazines and school workbooks that Brett did to your daughter’s catalog. It’s either a sign of creativity or lunacy, I don’t remember which. But it seems he has a great sense of humor and that he adores you, so what more can you ask?

  36. Pingback: Life and Death in the Blogosphere | Tales from the Motherland

  37. Dana says:

    Hi Mikalee have you given up your blog??

  38. Pingback: Life and Death in the Blogosphere « Reader's Choice

  39. Lorraine says:

    Mikalee, is it over? No more bloggy?

  40. lifewithkaishon says:

    He sounds like such a great guy! Congratulations to you! I wish you all the happiness in the world. May your happily ever after be just that.

  41. The Guat says:

    Hey I know you haven’t written in a while, but I still think your posts are amazing. I often visit your older ones and crack up. I’ve nominated you for an award. Hope to see you back on the wagon :)

    http://thewishfactor.wordpress.com/2013/02/19/a-gold-star-that-helped-during-flu-season/

  42. I am in love with your blog! Your writing style is so engaging! I nominated you for the Liebster Award!

  43. Lily says:

    I didn’t expect this at all but awwwwwwwwwww! That’s adorable. Hope you haven’t left the blog forever (but if you’re going to leave, please post some kind of kick ass wedding picture first.) Wishing you all the best; I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog.

  44. Dana says:

    Please come back, it’s been almost a year!

  45. ARRRRGH! You got me! I’ve been absent from your posts for about a million years, then I drop by and think “OH MY GOD! WORLD ENDS AGAIN!” then I read on…..

    Could you work with Bridegroom Brett, d’y’think?

    Congratulations from the heart of my bottom, or whatever. Truly, truly wish you all the best.

  46. Dee says:

    It’s been almost a year, please update us!!

  47. Pingback: WTF??????????????? | Me 2.0

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