Pregnant?!?!

There I am. FAKE pregnant, people! I was on my way to a theme party where guests were told to dress for their favorite holiday. Get it? Labor Day? ;)

Yip…pregnant. The pause, that is.

As in, “Wow, Mikalee, that was one big-ass, gaping, ginormous whopper of a pregnant pause!”

My response: I know, right?

First off, my sincere apologies. I didn’t intend for it to work out that way, even though in retrospect, my asking for some “time” to “process through” all that had happened to me did seem rather strategic in light of the giant, pregnant-woman-sized hole in my posting schedule.

Second: Damn, this post-a-month challenge is a doozy! Sheesh…

Seriously, I’m going to confess that even I didn’t understand the reason for my lack of posting. It was like I was thrown from the horse and didn’t know how to mount it again (and we all know what happened when I re-mounted the dating horse, post-divorce — does Scrabble Whore ring a bell?). It felt as though Boyfriend Brett cut another “1/4-inch” from my hair (remember that length: Brett as dog years: humans). And they were definitely the ends with all the creative jizz. Yet again.

But no, none of the above. And after some serious introspection, I have a diagnosis for the pregnant pause.

And its name is Blog-holm Syndrome.

Please allow me to explain: I have been bombarded of late (by forces external to this blog, of course) by people condemning my actions. It’s gone something like this: You think you have a right? To write? About your life? But you’re only telling one side of the story! And you’re so clearly bitter!

OK. Perhaps “bombarded” is a bit harsh, and it’s really only been a few people (or one person) — people (or a person) asking me to stop writing. People (person) with their (his) own agenda. And his lawyer, too.

So I’ve become rather gun-shy about this writing endeavor, and I think with all the messages I’ve been receiving, I’m beginning to buy into the argument. There, my friends, is the root of my “Blog-holm Syndrome” diagnosis.

Which is just like Stockholm Syndrome. Only bloggier.

Here’s the down-and-dirty Wikipedia definition of the original syndrome, prior to my über-cool, technology-era-adaptation:

“Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors.”

So my bloggy analysis: I am experiencing a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein I hate my blog. Because I’ve been told to hate my blog. By people (person) who hate(s) my blog.

And to add further context, according to the FBI, captives often fall victim to the syndrome when there is “…a long duration before resolution, continued contact between the perpetrator and hostage, and a high level of emotion.”

Hmmm…

  1. This whole process started in the courts last year — but in reality, the entire bat-shit crazy ordeal has been ongoing for almost four years.
  2. “Resolution” has included two mediation sessions, one hearing with a judge, an order for another mediation session, meetings with the ex, extensive email communication…and a partridge in a pear tree.
  3. A high level of emotion? Yeah, you could say that.

So: Blog-holm Syndrome. Sounds just about right.

Funny thing is, it’s been a gradual transformation. For the past eight months, I’ve loved my blog more than Ponch loved Jon. More than I fuckin’ love the fuckin’ word “fuck.” More than Ke$ha loves glitter.

(And by the way, I should totally add a random symbol to my name. Genius marketing move, I think. How about “Mik@lee.” Or “M!kalee.” “Mika)ee”? Doesn’t have the same finesse, does it…Damn that genius Ke$ha and her stupid genius dollar sign…)

Anyhow, recently, the act of fostering my blog just inspires a feeling of ick. An aching, pukey feeling that reminds me of those first days, post-betrayal: I feel ugly, insecure, like I don’t have a right. To write. About my rights.

Right? Right.

And the crazy signs reflecting my insecurities are everywhere. Take this one, for example. There I am, the day after the hearing, driving into a fast-food drive thru for – you guessed it – a Diet Coke, when I see this:

The pic at the top of this blog? Fake. This pic? NOT FAKE. Oh, the signs! (And BTW: Drama much, Mr. Dead Squirrel?)

First: How does a dead squirrel even end up in this position? I can’t wrap my mind around it. Sure, I can imagine it in a cartoon, if our protagonist were a nut-craving version of Pepé Le Pew — oui? Oui…

The scene: Our lovelorn squirrel, pretending to die of a broken heart because his very chic, very European amoré has unceremoniously jilted him, throws his hand to his forehead, stumbles to the left, then the right, sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth and dies in a dramatic flourish, gasping. Prone. But on his back. With tail straight and little tiny hands curled.

Cartoon? Sure. But real life? Nah…

Clearly, the moment had to be documented for posterity.

Second: Roadkill? Come on, now…I’m the symbol girl — you know, the girl whose marriage ended with a brick. Then the big guy in the sky, or the fat guy craving belly-rubs, or Mommy Earth, or George Burns, or whoever is holy, throws this into my path?

Nice.

Roadkill. The word evokes so many meanings, and yet the image is even meaningful-er.

So here I am. Roadkill suffering from Blog-holm Syndrome. I’m in such good shape.

OK then, there’s the official diagnosis. And as any good self-diagnosing, neurotic hypochondriac self-therapist worth his/her armchair might do, I turned to the Internet to research my cure. After all, if my affliction is so close to Stockholm syndrome, perhaps the cure also applies.

According to one super-official looking website, the most effective cure for Stockholm Syndrome is “…counseling by psychiatrists and the love and support of family members. With loving support, expert guidance and patience, Stockholm Syndrome can be rooted out…in time.”

So please, bloggy buddies, members of my extended post-divorce family, I’m seeking your loving support, expert guidance and patient reflection about any of the following:

  1. What do I do now?
  2. How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis?
  3. How do I overcome this pervasive feeling of ick?
  4. Roadkill? Really? (And could Pepé Le Squirrel have been any more dramatic?)
  5. Who thinks I should start going by Mik@lee?

I’m all ears. And lucky for me, without a bun in the oven…

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
This entry was posted in I heart symbols, My (forced) reinvention, My bat-shit crazy divorce and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

137 Responses to Pregnant?!?!

  1. Perhaps the pregnancy was not fake. You gave birth to a blog that well …let’s say “reveals a unique person.” You should also applaud your blog because it has helped me a great deal this morning. I discovered that I am not as insane as I thought I was and I am certainly not alone. PS My favorite day is the last of each month – Pension Check Day !

    • Absolutely: I love my bouncing baby blog! And we insane people need to stick together… ;)

      I’m glad this blog helps — if even only a little. And just think: we’re closer to the last day of the month than to the first. It’s all good, right?

      Thanks so much for reading!

  2. Rhiannon says:

    I think it’s ridiculous to say you shouldn’t be able to have this blog when Marylin’s blog has an entry about parallel parenting and how they’ve had to resort to it because you are not “workable”
    Hypocrisy much?
    This is one of your creative outlets which you should be free to love and cherish as much you want to, you have every right to talk about meaningful parts of your life, just as much as other people do to write blogs about whitening whites without bleach (vital information for your blog! Vital!)

    I love your blog!

    • Thank you so much, Rhiannon…and dammit, you stole my idea for my next blog entry: whitening whites without bleach was SO my topic!
      ;)

      You’re absolutely right, though, and I plan to push forward as planned. It has been a bizarre few months, to say the least…

      Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you’re here!

  3. Lori Dyan says:

    First of all: hooray! You’re back! Second of all: you write for yourself, nobody else. We all have critics and can’t please everyone (especially those with a penchant for throwing bricks). Third of all: said critics need to shut their f*ing pie holes. If that doesn’t happen, just IGNORE it (or pretend to…in public…) because that is an ugly dance you’re doing, but if you leave the dance floor, then it’s done.

    • Crap, Lori: I can’t believe you’re calling out my ugly dancing. Sheesh

      Actually, I’m grateful for the reminder to write for myself — in fact, many of these comments contain that same advice. Every once in a while, those of us who are victims of Blog-holm Syndrome need a virtual slap across the face to wake us up to that reality.

      Slap received — and appreciated! :)

      …and every one else can shut their fucking pie holes! (Perhaps best observation of the entire day…)

  4. Lee says:

    Here is what I have found with Bloh-holm Syndrome. Some added definitions if you will…

    1. It generally happens around the 8 month to one year mark of blogging.
    2. The love affair turns from a fun romp in the afternoon and I can’t wait to meet you at the motel 6 to sh@t (notice the symbol) I have to psych myself up all day to just type you again.
    3. Sometimes we NEED a break from our lovers.
    4. Sometimes we cum…oops…come back better as in the above evidenced post.

    and

    5. Welcome back.

    • OK, now we’re fleshing out this diagnosis! Good to know I’m not the only one…

      I do, however, take issue with the Motel 6 reference. This blog is totally Best Western, my friend. Classy just like a Best Western. ;)

      I’m totally digging your analysis. This will help as we develop the description that I’ll be submitting to the CDC. I’ll be in touch if I need further info!

  5. Shawn Griffin says:

    Welcome back Mikalee! I had definitely noticed the ‘pregnant pause’ and had hoped that you hadn’t given up this creative outlet.

    Where else can I get Mikalee-isms like, “More than I fuckin’ love the fuckin’ word fuck.”

    LOVE IT!!!

    Hemmingway. Vonnegut. Bruce. Byerman.

    Story tellers that have the unique ability to communicate at a very high intellectual level but also can communicate at the most primal level as well.

    As an old sailor, I’ll say again … LOVE IT!!!

    Welcome back Mikalee!

    A few shots of tequila and a Hangover II-like weekend will help shake off that Blog-holm Syndrome.

    Speaking of “The Hangover” … are you a “Zack & Miri” or “The Hangover” type girl? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Wow. Now that’s some fuckin’ awesome company I’m keeping. Not that I need any more pressure than I already feel, Mr. Griffin! ;)

      Thank you for the compliments — and for welcoming me back to open arms! And I do have to admit, I’ve never seen The Hangover (Boyfriend Brett says I would NOT like it, though I did try to get him to take me to see it a few times…). I did, however, love Zack and Miri. But I’d have to say one of my favorite comedies of that ilk is Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And you? My inquiring mind wants to know, too!

      • Shawn Griffin says:

        Back in the day (oh boy, here we go with one of those beer drinking stories), I found myself wandering along the fringes of the “World Wide Web”. Who could forget the sounds that a modem makes as it connected you at 9600 baud to Prodigy? As fate would have it, I was challenged with propping up one of the original sports web-sites. This was before any of traditional media had made their way into social media.

        Hell, social media hadn’t even been coined.

        It was 1994.

        There was me. There was Bill Simmons (now at ESPN). There was Pete Fiutak (now at Scout.com).

        And there was lots of porn. On bulletin boards. And usenets.

        What is the point to this story?

        “The Sports Weekly Journal” started as a labor of love. From 1994 – 1999, we “employed” more than a dozen feature writers and a half dozen geeks that propped up a sports web-site that ranked #1 on the Internet with more than a half million hits per month.

        What’s the point to all of this? (I can see everyone nodding off and reaching for another “5-Hour Energy”

        The “labor of love” soon becomes a “jealous boyfriend/mistress” that becomes a whole lot more like “work” than when it started.

        Mik@lee, no worries. I still miss writing. But I’ve also found other creative outlets (coaching, etc.). You, my friend, have a screen play and/or book in your future. I guaran-fucking-tee it!
        :)

        The bottom line is that you have to write for you. No one else. Just you. Yes, that would be a really selfish fucking attitude but that’s the point. It is all about you.

        That said, get with the program Mik@lee, you are super fucking talented!

        What’s not to love about “Sarah Marshall”? Russell Brand. Kristen Bell. Mila Kunis. Hawaii??? Sooooooo many great lines in that movie.

        “I just went from 6 to 12″, “I shagged the maid just this afternoon”, “Oh no, not the shirt … take my eyes, but save the shirt”.

        I do love “Zack & Miri” just like I love the rest of the Kevin Smith collection — “Clerks”, “Chasing Amy”, “Dogma”, “Jay & Silent Bob” … yes, I intentionally left out “Mallrats”.

        The “Hangover”? Very good movie. Very funny. I think Boyfriend Brett underestimates you. If you liked “Zack & Miri” and “Sarah Marshall”, you’ll like the “Hangover” as well.

        The “Hangover II” doesn’t look like it will disappoint either.

        Have any of the Mik@lee Entourage seen “Bridesmaids”?

        (Can we call ourselves your Entourage?)

        Great show by the way. Love Vinnie Chase.

        • Great story, Shawn — no 5-Hour Energy necessary! And yes, there is a part of this that has revealed that this is a labor of love — but that does involve the word “labor.” And given the amount of work I’ve been doing in my life, this labor may have taken a back-seat. For a bit. But I’m trying to love more than labor, if that makes any sense.

          I have come to a realization of late, and I’m sure this will end up in a future blog, but I’ll run it by you first: I’m a writer. Who blogs. And I think that’s different than being a blogger. Your thoughts?

          And thank you, of course, for the incredible compliments. I don’t know about the whole super fucking talented observation, but I do know there’s a screenplay in my future. Probably made for TV. Starring Melissa Gilbert…

          And yes, please, be my Entourage! Love it! Haven’t seen Bridesmaids, but considering this is my first week without my kids in a while, I’m guessing I’ll have a full review by the end of the week…

  6. Ashley says:

    So glad you are back! I must admit, I had to check out Marilyn’s “Good Housekeeping” mess on the other website, and one thing stands out. She likes to point out that if the blog is about weight, SHE doesn’t have a weight problem. If the blog is about anger issues, SHE doesn’t have them. If the blog is about marriage or sex issues, SHE doesn’t have said issues. In other words, SHE can do no wrong. Hell, she’s worse than Oprah! I’m sure SHE thinks her blog is perfect while YOU are in the wrong. Please don’t buy into that nonsense.

    Your voice is awesome; never lose it. I have to confess, my life has taken a very dark turn here lately, and your strength is refreshing. It’s wonderful to see a strong, outspoken woman out there in cyberland who is ready to defend her children and her beliefs. Rock on Mikalee!! I wish you and your children well whatever you end up doing:)

    • First off, Ashley: I’m so sorry for the dark turn! No matter the issue, please know that — as cliche as it is — it’s always darkest right before the light. I really can’t believe I just typed that…but it’s true! My own dark turn led to many lighter paths — paths that I was meant to be on, yet never knew. I’m so much happier now than then, though I would have never guessed this all those years ago. Keep smiling, keep finding joy in silly things (like this blog, if it helps even slightly), keep talking, and surround yourself with people who understand.

      And if you ever need a “virtual” shoulder: mine is available!

      Thank you so much for the feedback and support. My children and my beliefs are at the forefront of everything I do — I’m so glad that’s evident in this situation. And yes, as to your other analysis, I have three words for you: narcissistic personality disorder. And that is all I have to say about that… ;)

  7. You’re back in the game and that’s all that matters. I’m glad you’ve come to realize that I can’t carry both ends of the table on my own. So WELCOME BACK, my friend. The hiatus is over and you’re back in the saddle. Woo hoo!

    • But you’re totally rocking that table, Monica…you don’t even need me!

      Thank you for the support. Now if I fall off the horse again, I expect you to call me on it. K?

  8. The Mommy says:

    What do I do now? I say keep writing. Blogging is meant to be a one-sided observatiom of your own life. Kinda like the disclaimer at the movies…’The contents of this blog do not represent the views of it’s readers or the people (person) it may(may not) be written about.”

    How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis? Boo on them (him) for making you feel this way. It will take time, but just believe in yourself and keep writing for the joy of it.

    How do I overcome this pervasive feeling of ick? You have no reason to feel ick. Maybe the they (him) are ick and want you to feel ick….the old “I feel bad so every one else should feel bad too.”

    Roadkill? Really? (And could Pepé Le Squirrel have been any more dramatic?) For some reason pictures of roadkill are kinda funny…especially when they end up like you picture (not the smeared across the road kind)

    Who thinks I should start going by Mik@lee? hee hee…all i can do is giggle :)

    A side note: while I have never gone through any thing like you have, I love reading your blog. Your writing is engaging, funny, enjoyable…all things I hope one day my blog will be. Keep up the writing no matter what people (person) say.

    • …so since I feel awkward calling anyone who is not my mommy “The Mommy,” I’m just going to call you TM. K? K… ;)

      Anyhow, thanks so much for the amazing feedback, and you’re absolutely right about so much here. ESPECIALLY that pix of roadkill are funny, but only when they’re not smeary and slimy. Ewww.

      Writing does bring me joy, and connecting with old and new friends alike is a critical part of that joy. Thanks for reminding me … and for the great advice. I will keep up the writing. Promise, TM…

  9. Mike says:

    The first thing I would suggest is to keep foremost in your mind the fact that the same person who is being hyper-critical of your blog is the same person who violated the most basic trust in marriage. Why would you expect him to give an honest opinion of your writing?

    Second, the reason he is so hyper-critical of your blog is simply because cockroaches don’t like light. When you tell the truth, you shine a very bright light into his world and there is nowhere for him to hide. He will run around like mad, screaming at the top of his lungs for all the world to hear that it is nothing but lies and distortions, but the mania of his denials only strengthens the conviction that your words are true.

    Third, that feeling of “ick” you are experiencing really has nothing to do with your blog or your writing. When one has been constantly subjected to abuse and false accusations, forced to defend herself in court, mediation, etc., deal with the emotional fallout and its effects on your children and STILL have to deal “pleasantly” with your accusers/harassers, you get worn out. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, you just don’t feel like dealing with it anymore.

    And it’s OK to take a break. We, your alleged literary followers, will miss keeping up with you, but we fully understand your need for a “mental health” break. I believe, as time goes by, you’ll start to miss your creative outlet. You’ll get the urge to write another post, and another, and another. And all your doubts will start to fade away. Besides, it will completely piss you off that the sorry SOB and his butt-ugly co-philanderer are trying to shut you up and, well, you just won’t be able to take it anymore and the words will come screaming out of your keyboard!

    In the immortal words of Gunny Highway – “Don’t let the bastard win!”

    As for the roadkill, think of it as the death of the lies and false accusations. You did, after all, gracefully win the day in court. And, even though they seemed HUUUUGE at the time, the lies were really no bigger than a squirrel. A very small bump, if you will, along the road of your life. The dramatic part represents how Marilyn and John will spin the tale of their defeat (“What about the poor, poor dumper!?!?!? You know, the one who ran around behind their spouses back, lied, cheated and deceived!!! Don’t you feel very sorry for them?!?!?!?).

    Hang in there, stay strong and don’t EVER be ashamed or hesitant to tell the truth.

    Mike

    • Mike: You rock.

      Seriously, the cockroach imagery almost made me spray Diet Coke all over my computer screen and keyboard. And I’m guessing that would not have made writing any more appealing to me right now!

      I’m constantly amazed at how you, my amazing readers, know so much about me and my life despite only having access to small snapshots. But it’s clear by this comment that you do know me. Well. And yes, the fallout is crazy, and there are so many layers to this whole ordeal. Thanks for your understanding — and trust me, the bastard won’t win!

      BTW, love the roadkill on the highway of life analogy. You’re clearly a symbol guy — and I can relate!

    • anne says:

      Ohmygosh I also read the “poor poor dumper” and was like WHAT???! I really, really wanted to leave a nasty response there, but didn’t want to give (un)said blogger the satisfaction of a comment left.

      Mikalee – I still like reading your blog! Keep on working out your path here, it’s a good thing for you to do :-)

  10. I think there’s another factor at play . . . I’m copying the following paragraph from a note I just sent a fellow blogger who is also in the midst of a long pregnant pause (names changed to protect the pregnant) . . .

    “I know you’re a writer, so you probably don’t need to hear this tid-bit of advice, but when first [BLOGGER X] and then [BLOGGER Y] found life over-whelming and had to take a little break, they were then consumed with writer’s block because they felt like they needed to write BIG STATEMENTS, which are hard to do, and so they didn’t. But I told them both that I don’t care about big statements, really . . . and sometimes the best way to beat writer’s block is to bang out a 150-word piece of fluff just to keep your place in the queue, and the ink in your pen damp. So don’t feel that you need to return after an absence with a MAGNUM STATEMENT, if the thing that would work best for you would be a short piece, poem from years ago, list, or other such emotionally and intellectually less-taxing pieces . . .”

    So I think Blog-Holm Syndrome just grows and grows the longer you don’t post . . . because of your own increasingly high level of anxiety about producing something that’s going to explain or justify the pause.

    Thing is, though, we readers aren’t worth that level of anxiety . . . you don’t owe us anything. We’re free-riders. We’re happy with whatever you toss us. No stress.

    So toss a couple of quickies up here over the next couple of weeks and I guarantee it’ll have you feeling better about the process and the pressure . . .

    • Yeah, you are definitely right. Other factors are definitely at play. But the interesting thing is, they’re not what I think you think they are…I think. ;)

      Cryptic enough?

      Actually, when you wrote this: “We’re free-riders. We’re happy with whatever you toss us. No stress.”

      It thought to myself: I wish

      Most of my readers, I would agree, fall into this category. But others…not so much.

      Anyhow, I’m attempting to figure it all out, finding that balance along a delicate line. Much is at stake — including my freedom to speak. But dammit, speak I will…

      Thanks for the support — as always!

  11. jlmx2 says:

    Welcome back!! I’m glad to read your latest blog, but sad for its content. Really, a true writer writes for his/herself, and no one else. The process of divorce is not something that ever ends if there are children involved. I get the sneaky suspicion that John first tried to block you from blogging, failed, and is now trying a different tact. He’s playing against your love for your children, right? How hurtful and dangerous it could be for them to read this, to know your thoughts. How your job is to protect them, not to expose them. On and on ad nauseum. I could be way off base, though!
    Just remember, HE did the wrong thing. He knows it, is embarassed by it, and has to sleep in the same bed with a woman who is probably ranting and raving about how “unfair” this all is.
    Don’t let them win. Don’t let them take your voice. Don’t GIVE them your voice. Don’t give them that power.
    You should be proud of yourself. You’re facing down your monsters with unabashed honesty. Go, girl! :)

    • Thank you so much. And I have one observation:

      Base. You. SO close together… (in other words, NOT way off base…)

      I will not give anyone any undue power, and I will continue to write. For me, for my readers, for anyone who stops by after searching for “blog sur les penis.” That was from today…

      I’m glad to be back, and I’m so grateful for the feedback!

      • jlmx2 says:

        ;)

        I myself have a manipulative ex that seems to know which buttons to push to really get me to question myself… then I return to sanity!

  12. It’s funny, I was just thinking about you the past couple days and wondering where you’d gone. I really relate to this post. I blog pseudonymously, so my ex doesn’t know about it, but I get the whole Stockholm syndrome thing, having lived the last 8 years with him telling me I’m a crazy unfit mother and all of our son’s problems are solely my fault. On the surface, my ex seems like a charming, affable fellow and he always looks perfect so sometimes I find myself wondering if he’s right, if I really am crazy…until I can step back and look at things objectively: he lies, he manipulates, he backstabs, and he’s an almost 50-year-old who’s supported by his parents.

    Anyway, you’re doing the right thing by reaching out to people who will tell you that you DO have rights and you have a legitimate point-of-view and what you think means something and you’re entitled to write about it.

    As for the roadkill: I’d be having the same catastrophic reaction! I think it’s PTSD. A dead squirrel is just a dead squirrel. Period.

    Keep on blogging! We need you!

    xo Pauline

    • “A dead squirrel is just a dead squirrel. Period.”

      I think that’s today’s mantra!

      Thanks so much for the comment — and for relating. I’ve decided that the only people who are crazy in this world are the ones who don’t have any concerns that they might be crazy. In fact, I have that very topic listed as something to cover in a future blog post. So it doesn’t surprise me that you would question your own sanity — especially after what you’ve been through as well. When you’ve committed your life to someone, and lived with them forever, and believed every word — and then, suddenly, down is up and up is down…well, it’s hard not to believe some of the BS.

      But it’s BS, pure and simple. Or just a dead squirrel. And I’m glad we’re all here to tell each other so.
      :)

  13. BB says:

    1.) What do you do now? You get back on the damn horse (or in your case, keyboard). The wrath and ire and loathing can ease, but you sure as hell can’t “express empathy and have positive feelings towards their (your) captors”
    2.) How do you stop believing their analysis? Don’t start. Yes, things become clearer as time moves along, but sometimes it does come down the the basic “right vs. wrong”. As someone that was on the been-done-dirty side of a divorce, I can tell you, she’ll NEVER have me believe in her side of what happened. If you’re going to doink a married man, it should be your husband. Period. Not gray area there, see?
    3.) Ick? Take a shower…with someone. Or, look back on how you’ve felt better and better about yourself since you’ve separated yourself from the dead weight that had made you unhappy. Hell, I didn’t know how unhappy I was till I rediscoved happy.
    4.) Roadkill. Just superimose the squirrel’s face with someone else’s. In your mind of course
    5.) Much better than the other two options

    You were missed. Welcome back

    • Gee, thank you so much! It’s nice to know I was missed. And I’m sure Boyfriend Brett will be amenable to volunteering for your third bit of feedback there…

      I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m so tired of the whole “There’s two sides to every story” argument. I mean, sure: There’s what happened. And what didn’t happen, which if they’re two different stories, are only such to justify someone’s actions. Is that what these “two sides” reference? Hmmm…

      I love the idea of superimposing a face onto Pepe. I’ll have to get my talented graphic designing friends on that task…

      Thank you so much for the comment!

  14. abelovedone says:

    Here’s my advice, if you choose to accept it. I “found” Marilyn’s blog, and frankly it made me very sad. Every entry that I came across- and I mean EVERY entry- was written for you. You are the audience.

    You, on the other hand, have rarely done that on your blog. Your audience is alive and well and NOT your ex or his wife. It’s why we all keep reading and why it helped you, at least for a time, to get past the idea that you are who they say you are. You don’t have to live in such a way that their opinions invade how you see yourself and how you write. Remember who your audience is- it’s us, not them!!

    Here’s a quote from Anne Lamott that has helped me:

    “Close your eyes and get quiet for a minute, until the chatter starts up. Then isolate one of the voices and imagine the person speaking as a mouse. Pick it up by the tail and drop it into a mason jar. Then isolate another voice, pick it up by the tail, drop it in the jar. And so on. Drop in any high-maintenance parental units, drop in any contractors, lawyers, colleagues, children, anyone who is whining in your head. Then put the lid on, and watch all these mouse people clawing at the glass, jabbering away, trying to make you feel like shit because you won’t do what they want — won’t give them more money, won’t be more successful, won’t see them more often. Then imagine that there is a volume-control button on the bottle. Turn it all the way up for a minute, and listen to the stream of angry, neglected, guiltmongering voices. Then turn it all the way down and watch the frantic mice lunge at the glass, trying to get to you…

    A writer friend of mine suggests opening the jar and shooting them all in the head. But I think he’s a little angry, and I’m sure nothing like this would ever occur to you.“

    http://abelovedone.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/mice-multiple-personality-disorder/

    Farrell

    • First of all: GREAT quote. VERY helpful — and I would totally shoot them in the head. Or drop in some cyanide…

      Second: I couldn’t agree with you more about the audience, and this has always been one of the creepiest aspects of it all — and most disturbing, from the standpoint of my children — who are out of my care for weeks at a time now. Ugh…

      More than anything else, though, I am grateful for you, readers among my alleged audience. And you ARE what this is all about. Well, you — and me, too. Cuz I need this as much as I need my therapist…and I need to feel that there is a reason that all of this crazy has happened to me, and that is through helping (in even a small way) someone else.

  15. Salmart says:

    It’s late here & I should go to bed but I’ll just add my tuppence worth. I too, was pleased to read something, anything from quirky you, but sad at it’s content. My shoulders dropped lower & lower as I read it. Sounded very defeatist. ”They’re making me feel mean, so I’d better not write” What???

    It’s just your side?? Yep, that’s what you do best. Wrtite YOUR story, in YOUR words about how YOU feel. And what do you know? A hell of a lot of people LOVE to hear YOUR side because it is their story & feelings & situations too. (And actually it’s not ONE sided as Marilyn sure bags you in many of her self promoting rubbish posts)

    My advice if you are feeling icky about it, is to re reread some of her ICKY ICKY posts. That should do it.. ‘No, luckily I never committed the big A .'(Breaking up a perfectly good marriage and family obviously ok though??) ‘I was always the one leaving’. ‘ My husband didn’t marry the right woman & was very unhappy’. Now that’s icky.

    I agree with J Eric Smith in that you have set the bar so high now with your clever & funny posts that it is must be hard to churn yet another one out. Is it good enough? What will all these people think? We don’t need brilliant & genius posts. We even love your answers to comments. Just throw us a few scraps now & then. You don’t owe us anything.

    And lastly what jlmx2 said. You have given HIM back the power. HE thinks, HE thinks, HE thinks. It’s all about HIM. Are you still on autopilot caring about him? Switch back to manual. You’re just writing about your life. Your forced reinvention. And who ‘forced’ it? And HE’s making you feel bad for documenting said reinvention and using your writing as a healing tool for what he’s put you through?

    Take some deep breaths, sit back a while, and reassess the big picture. Clarity will come. No rush. Then write, write write, because you love writing & we love reading. And here’s another idea. Tell HIM to henceforth stop all the bat crazies then you’ll have no crazies to write about & you can write about how fabulously everything is going and even other things.

    • jlmx2 says:

      Salmart, I think I love you. :) (Just teasing…)

      M!k@lee, I just thought of something else… is it possible, even a little, that the wild popularity of your blog is causing an issue in John and Marilyn’s home and THAT is why you must “cease and desist?” Your writing is fun and inventive, and readers are engaged. From what I’ve read on Marilyn’s blog, it’s dull and dry, and has little to capture the attention of its readers…despite being updated frequently.
      Do you think the jealousy factor of “hers is better than mine” is really at play behind all this??
      Just a thought.

      • Salmart says:

        Aww shucks jlmx2, I can take a lot of that!

        I think you’re spot on there. A recent post of Marilyn’s said when they have a fight she skulks off to her room (like a child?) and he comes after her wanting to talk. mmmm.. And how often are these episodes? And over what? What could two such well matched destined-for-each-other ex-ex-s have to fight about?

        In helping me make sense of my story, I’d be interested to hear how often Mik@lee & John used to fight, after reading this revalation. And others here? My guess would be next to never. My ex and I barely had a cross word in 20 years and he too grabbed himself a fruit loop, who needed anti-depressants to function at all. .My kids told me she used to sulk away in her room for hours/days not speaking to anyone. Strange? What did she have to sulk about after winning ‘the prize’.? And he prefers that sort of tense stormy relationship with his new ‘best friend’? Is that weird? Or it is just me? Guess he wanted someone pathetic & needy so he could feel so BIG & POWERFUL!

        • I have a quick anecdote to share about this very subject.

          At a recent meeting with the Ex, I asked him to acknowledge to me that there weren’t the “signs” he alluded to at the conclusion of our marriage. Call me silly, but I wanted to hear him acknowledge that he was full of shit when he said there were. But instead, I got him saying, “Oh come on. I remember us fighting over a crock pot in the ShopKo parking lot about a year after we started dating. It was a serious fight!”

          I just stared at him. “Seriously?” I asked. “You’re referring to one fight that I don’t even remember that happened 12 years ago? This is the big ‘sign’ I was supposed to heed?”

          Anyhow, that perhaps illustrates the frequency of our fights. Of course, we had them — he was very much an avoider of conflict in our marriage, and I was definitely the confronter (when conflict arose). But it wasn’t frequent. Heck, I can remember perhaps five major fights in 14 years together. And NONE of them was over the color of a crockpot…

      • I would never pretend to know what happens in that home. But I can only imagine…(and it’s sorta fun to imagine, if I’m being honest…) ;)

    • “And here’s another idea. Tell HIM to henceforth stop all the bat crazies then you’ll have no crazies to write about & you can write about how fabulously everything is going and even other things.”

      Are you watching me? Did you place a tiny, inconspicuous microphone alongside my venti-decaf-mocha-hold-the-whipped-cream as I sat there talking to him a few weeks ago? Haha…that is EXACTLY what I said. Verbatim. Great minds, Salmart…

      Regarding the “other” stuff and my somewhat defeatist attitude: I hope you can all understand that there are other factors at play here that I’m not fully at liberty to discuss, and I’m trying my best to dance my way around it — without being too entirely cryptic and icky myself. But the bottom line is: I have to care somewhat about what he says. Because my children are with him half the time, he is the father of my children, and he has great power to make this entire thing work — or not. Which he has proved time and again during the past year. So while I’m doing my best to be the strong, healing, powerful writer that I’d like to be … there are times when I have to take a look at the big picture, just as you suggest. Because the only ones completely innocent in this entire ordeal: My kids. I have to do anything possible to protect them. Period.

      But I’m pressing on — I just may need to reinvent my reinvention. How does Me 3.0 sound to everyone?

  16. Phouka says:

    I have a paperweight on my desk that states, “Illegitimus non carborundum est.” It’s the catchy Latin version of a phrase my father’s told me a lot over the years: “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” I haven’t always been good about embracing and living that phrase, but having the paperweight where I can see it each day and remind myself helps.

    I think the same thing applies to the person(s) getting you down here: don’t let the bastard have any more impact and control on your life than he already does. I mean, this is the man who snuck around behind your back with a seriously unattractive woman and didn’t have the decency to be upfront with you about wanting to end your marriage like a man–instead, he skulked around behind your back and let you discover it by *finding* the brick. This is the person(s) who’s going to tell you what’s right and wrong and how to feel about yourself? Come on, hon–you know better than that. It’s hard not to listen (believe me, I know–I’ve always cared too damn much about what other people think), but you’re better than this–don’t let the bastard get you down.

    As far as that roadkill goes, that is properly known as a tree rat, not a squirrel. The tree rat likely recognized that it was a useless, destructive mass of cells and passed away dramatically from the horror of that recognition. I would look at it as a symbol of your humanoid tree rat discovering its own useless destruction and perhaps similarly passing out of your life.

    *hugs*

    • “Illegitimus non carborundum est.” I’m blowing up this quote and adhering it to the wall just above my computer, right next to Divorced Pauline’s “A dead squirrel is just a dead squirrel. Period.”

      You’re absolutely right: I do know better. Thank you for reminding me.

      And I do love your interpretation of the symbol. Fingers crossed that you’re absolutely right!

  17. Harold says:

    First of all, welcome back! :) You got lots of love here!
    1. Yes keep blogging it’s your right to write
    2. Do not believe the inaccuracies, expose them with tact and maybe some grace
    this will heap burning coals upon their heads. What will that do to Marilyns do?
    3. Fight the ick feelings, I know that can be tough, you can do it, I am trying too
    4. You are not road kill you are alive and kicking and writing
    5. You could start using Mik@lee as your new sign off at the end of your blog
    mine is Later, Harold…maybe I will change it to L@ter, H@rold…? :) Or not!

    Most of all do what is best for all concerned that are closest to you, get good counsel, and never give up. Fight for what is right.
    Shame on those who would bring hurt and confusion and discord to the innocent.
    H@rold

    • H@rold — we can be “at sign” buddies!

      I love your perspective, and I thank you — of course. Good counsel, good friends (real, virtual and/or imagined) and good intentions: I think these are the answers to most of the questions of life…

      And here’s my attempt at a new sign off:

      I am NOT roadkill,

      Mik@lee
      ;)

  18. I’ve always been a bit mystified by the lawyers and your ex saying you can’t blog. Doesn’t make any sense to me. Maybe it’s one of those strange laws that have lain around for centuries waiting for someone to need it. Maybe good ol’ Abe came up with it – “Thou shalt not blog ” ” What? ” “They’ll understand in years to come. I am a prophet.”

    Also, this is “Me 2.0″ right ? It seems to me you just go for it, girl, and sod’em.
    Also, I think the squirrel got up and ran off after you took the picture ! :)
    @l

    • Good ol’ Abe — such a visionary!

      Good points all around. This is Me 2.0, though I think by now I’m on about my version 8.2524. This reinvention business is exhausting!

      And I watched the manager of the restaurant come out with a plastic bag, pick Pepe up and place him in the bag. It was an uneventful burial at drive-thru. I said a little prayer…

  19. Kathy says:

    Hi Mikalee! Glad to have you back. :)
    My brief (the baby is napping) answers to your questions:

    1) What do I do now?
    Whatever the hell you want! If you’ve learned and earned anything, it’s that you are on the right path to heal and enjoy being YOU! Write about what’s going on, write about the paper clips in your desk, or don’t write. But do it for you. :)
    2) How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis?
    To quote Yoda, Do or Do not, there is no try… You have a thousand voices telling you thank you, right on, and you go girl and two saying “stop”. Turn your face to the sun and step into the warmth. Leave the shadow voices lurking in the dark to themselves.
    3) How do I overcome this pervasive feeling of ick?
    I have the strong suspicion that you are going through adrenaline withdrawal. You have been in a knock down drag out fight for your livelihood/lifestyle and now that you don’t have the looming deadline and battle to gear up for, it is inevitable that you need to stop, rest and regroup. It may feel like Ick, but I think it’s really just meh. I’ve had those moments when I realize that because I’m not struggling anymore, I feel like I have no purpose. The bonus is that now you get to pick your purpose. Not deal with other people’s agendas. The 2nd wind will come. :)
    4) Roadkill? Really? (And could Pepé Le Squirrel have been any more dramatic?)
    To steal from Freud…sometimes a squirrel is really just a squirrel. He probably died of old age.
    5) Who thinks I should start going by Mik@lee?
    Love it! But my personal favorite is Mika)ee because it looks like a smile, and your writing brings a smile to many!

    Hugs to you! I hope that Mikalee 2.1 is around the corner. You won the battle and vanquished your foes, you should at least get to wave a banner or something…

    • Do you all realize that you give me such great inspiration from these comments?

      “It may feel like Ick, but I think it’s really just meh.”

      Another frame-able, quote-able, hang-able phrase for my wall. LOVE IT!

      I’m sure there is some adrenaline withdrawal going on, but I think there’s also a healthy dose of reality. I would love to be completely free of outside forces, but alas, they do have an (unwelcome) influence on my life. And this epic battle has only opened my eyes to that reality — and that has disheartened me, if only a bit.

      But I’ll keep plugging along — because I love to hear that I might just be bringing a smile to some. Thank you for that, Kathy! You brough a smile to me! :)

  20. Writestuff says:

    Girlfriend!!! Where the hell have you been?!

    I thought maybe you were busy writing your book and we’d all just have to wait to buy it for our Kindles. To discover you’ve laid down the pen brings out the meanie friend in me that slaps your cheeks (very Cher in “Moonstruck”) style and says “SNAP OUT OF IT!”
    Luckily I also come equipped with a bottle of wine and smelling salts to take the sting off your now rosy cheek.

    As I pour the Pinot, listen up. This is the one thing that’s yours and yours alone. You share the kids, you share the ups and downs of this crappy situation and you share pictures of dead drama-queen (washed up former Merrie Melodies) squirrels. DO NOT– I repeat
    DO NOT!!!!! (yes, I’m yelling in that “luv ya girlfriend” sort of way)

    let the bad guys take this away from you…or us!!! Letting the bad guys win goes against every animated Disney fairy princess movie out there. Would you let Ursula keep Ariel in her collection of shrunken heads??? NO! Don’t DO IT!! Stand firm, own your blog!

    Now, go splash some water on those pretty pink cheeks, thank your lucky stars the only oven warmed buns are on your dinette set, hence reserving that girlish figure for Brett and Saturday nights.

    Then pick up your mighty pen. Start with that name thing – I say “mIk<3lee" where the "I" stands tall and it's full of heart. Better still, let's spell Marilyn – "*&^%$*-head. Oh yes, that works.

    Don't make me come up there.

    • There is so much to respond to here…where do I even begin?

      How about here: Slap received. And appreciated. Now where’s that wine? ;)

      Next: “Would you let Ursula keep Ariel in her collection of shrunken heads?” HELL NO, I wouldn’t. But this is a very appropriate analogy, as if you’ll recall, Ariel sacrificed her voice to try to protect those she loved. And again, without trying to be overly cryptic here, I’m somewhat sacrificing my voice for the sake of others.

      But just like Ariel, who got her voice back and protected the people she loved, I will prevail without becoming a sinewy, wispy shrunken soul in the ugly, evil queen’s collection. Promise!

      Finaly: “I say “mIk<3lee" where the "I" stands tall and it's full of heart. Better still, let's spell Marilyn – "*&^%$*-head. Oh yes, that works."

      I think I love you. <3

  21. Michele says:

    1.What do I do now?

    Not sure. I think Marilyn’s Blog is awful and yours is great but I also thought that Tarafly had some valid observations. Not sure who she is and why she got involved and I think she should not have allowed Marilyn to repost her comments on her blog but if she is a true outside third party her point of view is valid. (I did post on her blog saying that I thought you were very fair and her piece was very slanted towards Marilyn but you have to ask yourself if she truly had no agenda then that is how some people see this blog.)

    2.How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis?

    I know people a going to be all over me for this answer but I think he does have some points. I am not saying he doesn’t deserve it and that he has any legal right to ask you to stop but everyone now knows who both of you are. Please don’t misunderstand – I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I would hate to see you end it but I amnot sure it is still the best thing for you and your family. I have often wondered if writing this blog helps you release the anger or helps you hold onto the bitterness. I know it does help other people though so that is also something you need to consider.

    3.How do I overcome this pervasive feeling of ick?

    Maybe it is your gut? Maybe it is just a bad clam. Only you can answer that.

    4.Roadkill? Really? (And could Pepé Le Squirrel have been any more dramatic?)

    NO! Make this decision based on your feelings. Roadkill is funny! Sad but funny!

    5.Who thinks I should start going by Mik@lee?

    Yes, Yes and YES!!

    • Michele — Thank you so much for the feedback! First off, you’ll notice no haters here. You have every right to your opinion, just as Tarafly has a right to hers and Marilyn to hers. Not that I’m grouping you all together, only emphasizing that I certainly respect your ability to offer feedback — and in fact, I solicited it…

      I have to say that when I began this blog, it was a huge release for me — to be able to write about the ordeal, to process through it in a very healthy manner for me, to share and help others in the healing. But then, when the whole “blog for a blog” began — it changed things, if only slightly, for me. It temporarily skewed my primary purpose, and instead inspired a whole new direction that I hadn’t anticipated. But, as that uber-annoying expression goes, “it is what it is” … and I’ve done my best to stay true to my purpose and course correct. Yes, distractions have crept up, but I’ve tried to keep them in perspective.

      The bottom line is this: I don’t really care that everyone knows who we are. I certainly didn’t start this under a pseudonym, which I had every right to do: Instead, I embraced my identity and told my story, loud and proud. She has every right to do the same, and she exposed herself by becoming a “public blogger” … and yes, some others will take sides. I’m not here to convince anyone that I’m right and she’s wrong — only that I have every RIGHT to write, to heal and to work through the worst part of my life. The “bitterness” that I’ve earned from this ordeal is not something festering inside of me — in large part due to this blog. In fact, I own it. Of course I’m bitter. Those of us who have been treated in a similar fashion are allowed a certain amount of bitter. But the only time “bitter” gets out of hand, I think, is when it’s left to fester.

      Thank you for the great comment, and thank you for agreeing that roadkill is funny. Sad but funny — true indeed!

  22. MIssKay says:

    MIKALEE! I must say I gasped when I seen the pick of you fake preggo, you know before I read that it was a pic of you being FAKE preggo, wowsers. Anywho, lady you have been missed and I for one am happy you are back, blogging LOUDLY! Eff you naysayers…a big dogmatic eff you!

    What do I do now? Girl, you keep those creative juices flowing. You write to heal you, to help you and I and many more, to express yourself, and most importantly because blogging wasn’t in digital form when our rights were established. Effing awesome, I know but your rights are protected. I don’t care if he, they, him, she, it, their, ect don’t like it. You’re sharing is helping heal many of us by giving us the outlet to share.

    For instance and I am totally giving you an awesome credit, my ex decided to marry the trollup he could control recently. I wasn’t even bothered when i seen his ring. I knew i wasn’t alone in being jilted by someone who i thought was honest because as you have exposed me to people whom share the same issues with us. So sweety thank you so much because this is helping my healing. And you’re exposing the ugliness I’m gonna have to endure through the custody battle (said trollup doesn’t want him paying child support, go figure).

    How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis? Look at whom the analysis is coming from. We can all but assume its John and quite frankly who gives a shit. His integrity was flushed down the drain when he started cheating and exposing your children the unscrupulous female he is married to. By her own admission, fate had brought them together, albeit while they were married to other people. You see what he is most afraid of is the bullshit he’s been telling your children coming back to backfire is his little embarassed face. Who cares how he analyzes it, he should have put this much analysis in not effing up the very foundation of his offspring instead of following the yellow brick road with his penis as the leader.

    How do I overcome this pervasive feeling of ick? Well I don’t recommend wine in this case or even your diet coke. You tap into your creative nest as you never have before. Paint some pics, naked yoga (only if your backyard is fenced in), pottery, scrapbooking, kickboxing whatever it is to release all the negative energy you are being bombarded with. You are a writer through and through. I have even read your articles outside of, GIRL YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME! *two snaps in the air*

    • MIssKay says:

      **Update**

      The little effer of an ex isn’t married afterall, he’s trying to play with my emotions go figure. Too bad for him there is a wall built that he isn’t climbing because I now know better.

      I found out that our relationship was doomed all along…no one wanted us together and he is a people pleaser. All of the advice he was receiving from people was to draw us apart and guess what it worked.

    • Awww, Miss Kay, your comment made me smile the whole way through. First, I’m so glad this blog is helping you, if only a wee bit. We do have totally awesome readers, and I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned and grown from everyone’s perspective. So you thanked me — and now, I’m thanking you. THANK YOU! :)

      Next, I can’t believe what you’re going through, especially after the update. I mean, seriously … can’t these people just move on and leave us the fuck alone? It only reveals how truly immature their behavior is — and how much better off we are! Yay us!

      So, naked yoga, huh? I’m thinking not such a good idea. I live in a home that overlooks the Reno skyline, which means I have many balconies overlooking the same view around me. Property values are already declining on my street — I can’t imagine my taking up naked yoga would help…

      But I have considered fencing. Or Irish dancing.

      • MIssKay says:

        Ok so me and the ex had to have a face to face recently, in which he told me that he did in fact get married…wth! Anywho, the way he said it, he just sounded so damn unhappy I couldn’t help but to feel sad for his ass. Its ok, I’m gonna be able to laugh about this nonsense eventually, but I am not the only one to take notice in dad’s misery.

        Anywho, it seems as though the whole custody thing may be averted if we can come to some sort of agreement on how to parent our child.

  23. Ascentive says:

    I would hate to see you stop blogging. I just found your blog last week and I must say, I love it. I can completely relate to some of the things you are going through. At the end of the day, your ex is wrong. He clearly has a distorted view of reality.

    • Well, I can promise that I won’t stop blogging, and I welcome you to the conversation! It’s amazing how many of us are here because of these common themes and shared experiences. Amazing — yet also, truly sad…

      Thank you for reading and commenting!

  24. joanneinjax says:

    Welcome back, Mikalee, I’ve missed your writing.

    I agree with the other comments that you should be writing for YOU, and the critics be damned. Please don’t cave to the manipulations of a sociopath. Yes, I found Marilyn’s so-called ‘lifestyleblog (and I do believe that, at the least, she is semi-sociopathic, if not full blown. The ‘feel for the dumper’ post had me shaking my head, then yelling at my laptop screen. I then read the ‘anger is bad for your health’ post and how she is so above those negative emotions. She is delusional as well. Marilyn Manson’s doppleganger only seems to post thinly veiled responses – meant to incite – to your reasoned posts. Plus, the bitch’s grammar and punctuation leave something to be desired.

    Watch out for TaraFly – she seems to be playing both sides of the fence, guest-posting on Marilyn’s blog(?)! Be cautious, she may be a Trojan mare.

    Keep posting, sweetheart, there are many who care about you.

    Joanne

    • amelia L says:

      Ditto! (Please don’t mind me – I’m just piggy-backing on this response because it says everything I was about to type. And I don’t like plagiarism.)

      And Mikalee, thanks for keeping it going! That is the brave thing to do. You’ve got loads of prayers and support, baby. So keep calm and carry on.

    • I wish I could say something here … but Amelia already took the best response: “Ditto!”

      Totally tuned into your feedback, Joanne — and totally appreciative of the support and perspective. You rock, and I’m grateful to count you among my many virtual friends here!

  25. I for one would like some witty commentary about ARNOLD Swartznakedness !

    IT getting like the WWE out there. Whores and skanks going at it to outdo one another for other womens husbands !

    • spermdonors wife says:

      Another topic , I wish to harp on is how everyone you thought was a friend, continues to want to judge your progress in recovering from being thrown overboard into an abyss. The mere fact that you swam and survived when you should have been eaten by the sharks, seems to shock everyone. They can’t handle your story or experience with EVIL people and the emotional baggage ! Harshly condemning you for not being “over it already” because it is upsetting for them to hear. You are insulted again, victimized for continuing to be emotionally devastated with PTSD, and conflicted about how you move forward with your traumatized life. Like you are supposed to be able to control your all this negativity and stuff if , acting like it doesn’t affect you… so you can move on in silence ! The insult that you have to suffer in silence to be socially acceptable. Where is the therapist and Betty Ford Clinic for dealing with the nightmares that never go away, the constant distrust of everyone…. because that seems the only realist way to cope ! Somedays I still just want to die. I dealt with CANCER.. and i still can’t overcome the betrayal and lurking psychopath out there stalking my life.

    • That’s a natural topic here, huh? Of course, I blame him more than anything — his choice, his stupidity, his lies … but he’s now going to live in the hole he dug for himself. With any luck…

  26. Why, the squirrel’s not dead! He’s merely gazing up at the sky and watching cloud-shapes drift by. Ooh, look, a nut! And there’s a bird feeder! Hey, another nut!

    (Humor me).

    They say the first step in overcoming a problem is admitting to it. You’ve realized you have a bloggy form of Stockholm Syndrome, so now it’s time to move past that. I suggest listening to “Eye Of The Tiger” as loudly as possible. That has always been my personal anthem for cheering me up whenever I’m down and inspiring me to fight. There’s nothing like a loud dose of Survivor to help you recapture that fighting spirit – trust me. Trust me and try it.

    Sincerely,

    M@rk

    (I like it…)

    • LOL! But as I just mentioned in another comment, I watched as the restaurant manager carried Pepe off in an industrial strength trash bag. So if he truly was playing that game, then his last observation was: “Ooh, look. A giant bag!”

      And then it was over quickly.

      Survivor is a great choice, but my personal fave is “High on You.” Always brings me right back to high school…not quite as Rocky, but still a good “damn the morals, I’m just going to have fun” song…

      Thanks for the tip, M@rk!

  27. kadja1 says:

    Oh my god! It was a conspiracy! Your ex killed the Geico Squirrel! Damn him! That little guy was funny too! That’s what it is! I don’t know if this will be of any help to you, but write when YOU feel like it and don’t give a rat’s a** what anyone thinks. When you have the pen or a keyboard at hand–you are a God like the rest of us…We hold the power of life and death in every word we write, and every character will create in order to reform it, bash on it or out right kill the bastards! LMAO!

    I hope that cheered you up…I missed you a lot! :-D

  28. Tish says:

    How do I stop believing certain people (person) and their (his) inaccurate analysis?
    Stop listening to people(person)!
    If it’s the nasty lawyer, lawyer’s getting paid big bucks to tell you how wrong you are and will keep at it as long as he/she keeps making money. Quiet or I will harrass you FOREVER, FORever, Forever… Seems a little Spongebobesque.

    • Spongebobesque indeed.

      And by the way, I think I may have to steal that word for a future blog post. You made me laugh out loud.

      Thanks so much for the awesome comment, Tish! :)

  29. KC says:

    Welcome back! We missed you. I missed you.
    Random brain dump:
    The blog started for yourself. Hopefully is still is.
    Others became interested.
    Others find comfort/value/advice/entertainment/laughter/VALUE in what you write.
    We miss you when you’re gone (no pressure, just a statement of fact)
    Choose to ignore those whom you do not respect or value. Words I live by always. There are just some people that are not worth and do not deserve the brain calories.
    I can’t do what you do here, and I wish I could. I love reading what you write.
    Thank you!

    • I heart your random brain dump. It is full of great advice and feedback — so thank you!

      It’s absolutely wonderful to be missed … and with any luck, the next pause won’t be quite as pregnant.

      “There are just some people that are not worth and do not deserve the brain calories.”

      I think I’m on a brain diet. As of now… ;)

  30. pete259867 says:

    Hello Mikalee,

    With so many fucks and dead squirrels around, the situation does seem hapless but from the inside we all know that there is hope. Hope that keeps you WRITING!!

    Been a long break from my estranged better half or so I thought(that she was my better half) and I I do hope everyday when I wake up from my “not-so-sound” sleep that nothing has happened, nothing at all!! and it was all just a dream to make me realise that things can be worse. But then I know I am fooling myself and that there is no point waiting. Waiting makes us archaic and later on we realise we actually are the one becoming extinct. So get up and get ready to face the world fiercely like you’ve never done. There are many more good moments to come only if you make that little move and look around the corner for so many good things waiting for you to exprore them.

    You Rock As AlwAyS!!
    Ravi

    • Hey Ravi — what a great comment! Thank you!

      It seems like you are also opening your eyes to the reality of your situation, much like I am. Although I’m way past the point of wishing this were all a dream — I’m truly at the other side, where I’m grateful for the chance to reinvent at this point in my life. I would have prefered, however, to have been able to fast-forward through the last year or so…but alas, it’s all part of the process.

      I’m choosing to make a change for myself, and your comment reaffirms for me that this is the right decision. Moving forward, not looking back, anticiating how much fun I have in front of me!

      Yay us! And thank you again, blog friend. :)

  31. Lola says:

    Mikalee, I’m so glad you’re back!
    I have to admit, I thought if I read Marilyn’s blog she would seem more likable but the exact opposite happened. It’s so utterly transparent that she uses it as a tool to try and make her life look better than it is. I wanted to punch her blog in the face when she compared herself to Carrie Bradshaw. She claims that lots of people are writing her asking her sex questions- yeah sure they are Marilyn, and I invented corn-on-the-cobb. Why would random people be writing to her asking about sex? I feel like she does it to rub it in your face. Again, transparent blog.
    Anyskank, don’t ever feel bad about your blog or expressing yourself. In my opinion, this comes with the territory regarding making douche bag decisions i.e. moving in on people’s husbands. Maybe less people would do these things if they knew a blog would be created to talk about it. She seems to portray in her blog that her decision was okay because he was her first love when then were kids.
    One more thing. Marilyn, if you’re reading this, please stop posting recipes with “boxed cake mix” for ingredients. It’s insulting to people who actually know their way around the kitchen.

    • aunaqui says:

      I liked everything you said here.

      “I wanted to punch her blog in the face,..”

      I thought this especially funny. :)

      Aun Aqui

    • Mack says:

      I’m borrowing “anyskank.” Thanks!

    • Salmart says:

      ‘Like’. Please, please, please, Mik@lee can your awesome web designer add the thumbs up sign for us to press if we like a comment like we do on facebook. There are so many replies I read here, in our gathering place, that I just want to say YES to, as loudly as I can. Don’t worry about a fist that we can press that says ‘Punch this blog in the face’, as your blog won’t need it. LOVE IT LOLA!!

      Yes her blog is enough to have me throwing up the insides of my stomach. Carrie Bradshaw?? PLEASE. STOP IT. Carrie has class, style, & flare. A fun loving gal who brightens the lives around her, not destroys them. She writes clever, funny & insightful pieces, ahhhh much like Mik@lee, but not as well. I must have missed that episode of ‘Sex in the City’ where she snuck around sneakily acting immorally, meeting someone else’s husband at a flagpole for months. No, Marilyn you’re more an Elizabeth Taylor who looks like Marilyn Manson. ‘Sex Behind People’s Backs’, now that’s your show. Seriously , she has got some sort of psychological disorder posting something like that on her site and clearly believing it. The mentality of a child & delusional with it?? Watch out John!!

      • “‘Sex Behind People’s Backs’, now that’s your show. Seriously , she has got some sort of psychological disorder posting something like that on her site and clearly believing it. The mentality of a child & delusional with it?? Watch out John!!”

        Oh, Salmart, your entire comment was worth repeating. But that was my absolute favorite part. Thanks for being you!

    • “She claims that lots of people are writing her asking her sex questions- yeah sure they are Marilyn, and I invented corn-on-the-cobb.”

      Oh my GOD. I laughed for a good long time after reading this. Then I read it to Boyfriend Brett, and we laughed for a good long time together. And even now, reading it again, I laughed — AGAIN!

      Thank you for the smiles, Lola.

  32. aunaqui says:

    Your posts always make me smile. Not that I find any kind of sick joy in the trial you’re passing through — never; but in the humorous way you relate all of the “crap” you step into and the vivid descriptions you grace all of your sentences with.

    “OK. Perhaps ‘bombarded’ is a bit harsh, and it’s really only been a few people (or one person) — people (or a person) asking me to stop writing. People (person) with their (his) own agenda. And his lawyer, too.”

    Very discreet, Mik@lee. (by the way, I prefer your name non-symbolled.)

    Aun Aqui

  33. cclester says:

    Don’t you dare give up! Just look how many people love every entry you write (I won’t be selecting the Notify option on follow-up comments, because the two times I did my inbox went crazy for months!!!!
    Listen to the masses – not one small-minded man who clearly regrets his actions and doesn’t like the fact that you’re not simply lying down and taking all the crap. You have a right to free speech, keep exercising it!
    And I love ‘Mik@lee’ :) xxx

    • Thank you so much for the support — and yeah, I’ve actually had people unsubscribe unknowingly from the blog itself because they thought that would stop them from getting follow-up comments. When will WordPress find a way to only notify you if someone follows up on YOUR SPECIFIC comment? Doesn’t seem like it would be that difficult…

      Anyhow, I will keep exercising my rights — even if I need a reminder every once in a while from you fabulous readers that I have them. Thank you again!

  34. Mack says:

    When I first started reading your blog, I felt angry with you and it brought up some things that I hadn’t sorted out yet from my own Big Bad D. I replied to one of your entries (What would your dear John letter say {I think}) and I felt better. I read your reply, and I felt much better. So thank you for helping me.

    Now, what was my point? Oh yes – just as I felt better by getting some of the gunk out of my head and heart and onto your blog, it is clear that you get the same type of release from telling us what’s going on. Your entries are starting to be a little more about you, rather than you dealing with the big D, the ex and Marilyn. As things get better for you, the blog will continue to evolve. That doesn’t mean that Ex and M aren’t going to do stupid stuff that you’ll need to vent about…we know that will happen and we’re here for you.

    Your blog has been a great gathering place for people who empathize and sympathize with your story. We laugh with you and sometimes we laugh at you, but we are here because you have something to say and we want to read it. Your journey from the events surrounding the divorce to your life now is helpful to many. We’ll still be here as the blog evolves…it really is such a great read. :) Thanks Mik@lee…you helped me.

    • Now this is exactly the kind of comment I need to see every once in a while … thank you so much!

      I can feel the blog evolving, and there is a part of me that fears losing my rather sizable audience due to these changes. But I know that as I lose a few, I usually gain a few more — so with any luck, I will someday reach a nice balancing point of people who are simply here because they enjoy my approach to life. I know I can’t please everyone all the time — but it’s tempting to fall into the trap of trying!

      Thank you for laughing with me — and even at me. Hell, I laugh at myself constantly. You wouldn’t believe the crap that goes through my head sometimes…

      (Actually, you probably would. You guys have loved me through the penis tiara, through the Super Glue debacle, through the artichoke story — and then some!)

  35. shinypigeon says:

    Mik@lee! (Makes me say Mick-at-lee though….)
    Look and feel the love of the Mikiettes! Hopefully now that icky feeling will de-ick and fuck off.
    It is hard when so much negativity has been thrown at your outlet, but we are here, your entourage, your online buddies, your alleged followers, screaming at you to keep pushing on.
    It’s ok to have a mental break….and NOT talk about it. It’s ok NOT to post.
    We’ll be here when you can.
    Much love and rice krispie cakes
    xxxx

    • Well, the icky feeling is definitely lessening — I don’t know if it has fucked off yet or not, but I’ll let you know.

      Perhaps I just need more Rice Krispie treats?

      Thank you for being here — thank you for being part of my buddy group — thank you for allegedly following my plight. It’s all appreciated!

  36. You write so well; you should do a separate blog about just random things maybe? The only reason I wouldn’t use the @ symbol is because some programs seem to think anything following that symbol is a website. So you’d be mik, at lee-dot-com, I suppose. I don’t know. Writing is fun when it’s fun and not when it’s not. It’d be fun to get paid to do it. Dr. J, ex-basketball player said, “Being a pro means doing something you love to do, when you don’t feel like doing it.” I suppose one could substitute “being a frequent blogger” for “being a pro”.

    • Funny you should say this: I’ve actually already procured the domain “Mikalee’s Musings,” because I do have such random crazy thoughts at times — and some (most) have nothing at all to do with divorce/reinvention!

      I’ll let you know if I ever get that one going. For now, I need to find the passion for blogging again. The rest will follow…

      Thanks for the feedback and compliment!

  37. Oh, and btw, since admitting the problem is the first step, my problem is that I missed the clues as to how to get to your ex’s new wife’s blog, which I would like to do, if for no other reason than to see the resemblance between her and Marilyn. Can someone please “throw a brick” at me, or at least a clue, as to the name of this blog? Thanks.

  38. I think we all know there are two sides to every story…but your side is so insightful, funny, brilliant….who cares about the other side?

    Don’t hate this part of yourself, you would be right back in the place you worked so hard to leave behind.

    I like the Mik@lee by the way.

    • You’re absolutely right: I’ve loved embracing my next iteration, but at the same time, this past year has made me face some ugly realities of this entire situation. As much as I’d like to do what I want, free of consequence, the ex is reminding me that he still has some power. Only through our children — but that’s some pretty damn powerful power!

      Anyhow, thanks for being here and supporting me. I promise not to turn to the dark side…

  39. Tammy McLeod says:

    Once again, you crack my a** sideways with laughter. Sorry about the squirrel and I’m definitely copying your costume at some future date.

  40. Geez, I feel outraged that their ridiculous persecution of your blog has resulted in you becoming blog-shy. Don’t they know your blogging is just for my personal entertainment? I hope you don’t mind, but I felt so bad during your extended silence that I went out and killed a squirrel, arranging his tiny corpse in a weird position at the side of the road. Don’t tell me it’s not art! It’s art if I say it is.

    Where was I going with this? Answers on a postcard please. Or better yet, keep blogging.

    • Lola says:

      Ha! Awesome.

    • I know: The nerve of these people, taking away your personal entertainment. Sheesh

      And thanks for the message via dead squirrel. But next time, can you try for something ugly and deserving of death? Perhaps a cockroach? Or a snake?

      I’m blogging on. Promise…

  41. cassee01 says:

    why they even care what you write is beyond me – if they have moved on with their lives, why are they reading? the only people that you can control is yourself – they need to realize that their reactions to what you write is under their control – they can either choose to ignore it or let it bother them – their choice. You can write whatever you want – and the children are never going to read this unless someone (and we all know who that would be) shows them – and last of all but not least – proper behavior fears no exposure so maybe John and Marilyn should have behaved properly and then they wouldn’t fear exposure hmmmmm?

    • Absolutely. My kids have already informed me that the Ex and his wife told them about my blog. They would have never known, had it not been for them…

      And I simply told my kids that their mom is a writer by passion and profession, that I have a right to write about my life, that they will someday understand why I didn’t share this with them at their young ages (I told them I swear A LOT) and that if they have any questions, they’re free to ask. My daughter simply said, shocked by my admission: “Mom, do you use the ‘f’ word?”

      Indeed. I fucking do… ;)

      • shinypigeon says:

        How childish and completely irresponsible.
        You would have thought that any sensible parent would try to sheild their children (as you have been doing), from the fallouts of your marriage.
        What a pair of absolutely moronic idiots.
        What a way to flip the parental and child roles…’Kids…Mummy is picking on me…..waaaaaaaaaaaa…she’s writing things that i don’t like….waaaaaaaaa.”
        Grow up and do one!

        My cage is severely rattled right now!
        I may have to shout obscenities into my very British street outside to calm my nerves….or have a cup of tea….or BOTH!

        • salmart2 says:

          Haha Shinypigeon. I shake my head & storm around the house sometimes too, although usually at the arrogance & sheer stupidy of Marilyn’s posts rather than anything MIkalee writes. . Poor Mikalee worrying about what the kiddiewinkles will think about the blog. My guess is that they won’t care less about the blog.when they’re older!!!! Kids have so much going on these days, they only care about themselves. (In a good way!)

          Honestly, does anyone really think they’re going to read this and then reveal ‘Oww, so that’s what Marilyn is REALLY like!! Gee, I would never have known!” They will have made their own minds up zonks before they bother to process Mom’s fun blog, let me tell ya. Plus, high chance Marilyn won’t even be on the scene when they’re older.

          And as for Dad. Mikalee hasn’t written anything derogatory about him as a Dad. Sure, he’s joined with Marilyn in childish antics to bait her, but hey, that’s divorce. It ain’t pretty. Again she hasn’t written anything that they are going to read that will change how they think of him. ‘ Ow Dad, now I think less of you because you let Marilyn cut my hair’.

          I worried & fretted about my children’s emotional future when my marriage hit the brick wall, eleven years ago. I’d been a teacher & a lot of the dysfunctional kids came from one parent homes. So that meant that now my kids would be dysfunctional. Right? WRONG. Those kids were dysfunctional because the parents were dysfunctional. They were nomadic, & couldn’t care less about their kids.

          My kids continued to be spoilt by both parents (‘albeit’ living apart) and given every opportunity and have grown into fabulous young men (if I do say so myself). In fact I think there were some advantages as they had many more sleep overs etc & did lots of things that handbreak harry wouldn’t have allowed.

          Honestly MIkalee. I loved & adored & cherished & enjoyed my kids every minute of every day and I know they look back on a fabulous action packed childhood full of fun & adventure. As young adults now of 22 and 25 years, they have high self esteem, great friends, have a high work ethic in good jobs, and love sport & their lives. I’ll never know if they would have somehow been ‘different’ if no bricks fell, but I can honestly say I worried and worried for them, out of all proportion, underestimating that their personalities were already formed, and underestimating the job I could do (or in your case the job you can both do).

          And I think having a great sense of humour made a huge difference to our journey. It’s all the funny things we laugh about & remember now. And with a sense of humor like yours, I know your kids are going to be just fine!!!

          So my advice, eleven years on, is to keep writing Mikalee, or is that Mik@lee? Because it makes you happy & happy parents are fun to be around. I really really don’t think your kids will bat an eye at your musings other to enjoy them (for all of a nano-second or two) for the humor in them, like we do.

          • Salmart, it’s so WONDERFUL to read about well-adjusted children coming from divorced families. Because like you, I was convinced (and a part of me still may be this way) that my kids would be effed up entirely BECAUSE of this. But in reality, there’s that whole nature versus nurture argument, and I am fortunate enough to be blessed with two amazing souls who (my guess is) may be somewhat by nature born that way. Sounds like you were, too — though I think both your kids and my kids also benefited from kick-ass moms who did and continue to do everything they can to show them how to be well-adjusted adults. Just sayin’…

            The truth is, I think a “broken” home does have the power to destroy some innocent little spirits. But with a combination of some good influences, a wonderful nature and people who do their best to help the little spirits navigate the rough journey, I think others prevail. It’s not entirely nature, but it’s not entirely nurture either.

            As for my blog: There’s really nothing here that would be new to the kids. Did my daughter realize her hair was cut to match Step Mom’s ‘do? Yip. Did my kids both wince at the realization that feathers were added without my consultation? Indeed. Were they told directly by these “others” that I was a jealous former cheerleading wannabe, that I am “fat” and therefore should not wear a 2-piece swimsuit, that I write awful things about them on my blog? Yes, yes, and yes.

            A part of me actually is looking forward to the day when they can read my words — a reflection of what was actually going on in my head as I was skirting around these crazy obstacles lying in our road.

            (And if I’m being perfectly honest, there’s also a part of me that looks forward to them being able to do the side-by-side comparison of writing quality between stepmom and biomom’s blogs…)
            :)

        • It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who turns to shouting obscenities and drinking to calm my nerves.

          Though I tend to shout them on my blog, definitely not on a British street. And I drink wine, not tea…
          ;)

  42. Catherine says:

    I’ve been feeling sort of similarly about my blog lately, as well, but I don’t have nearly as many good reasons (or psychological definitions) for my absence. I think I just need to jump right back in like my 2-3 week absence never happened. Glad to see you are back :)
    PS… totally love Mik@lee

  43. The Hook says:

    You are deliciously evil, you know that?

  44. John says:

    I think you’ve misinterpreted the symbolism of the squirrel. The dead squirrel is a sign that the part of your life that’s full of nuts is gradually dying off and going away, never to bother you again. Or… yeah, I don’t know. Something like that.

    Also, I would never eat at that establishment again. Who knows what that squirrel ate out of their garbage.

    • Excellent interpretation. I love it — and I think I’ll just go with it. It’s far more fun that the roadkill imagery I was conjuring…

      And yeah, I’ve questioned the source of this squirrely death myself. Luckily, I only drink their Diet Coke. Something tells me Pepe wasn’t drinking from their fountain drink dispenser!

  45. AlainSG says:

    ‘Labor day’ that was funny!

  46. Dana says:

    PHEW! I was worried there for awhile! Thankfully you are back and better then ever. Please don’t get discouraged or let them stop you, you have many fans and we love this blog and getting to know you. And we are invested in your story and want to know how things turn out!

  47. The Compulsive Writer says:

    More then Ponch loves Jon? Love it!

    I too had the blog blues. I just posted a new short story yesterday about a feisty little nun. I hadn’t posted since the first part of April! I was beginning to think …maybe…I’d just pitch the blog. But alas, here I am.

    Great post. And I love your writing.

    • KEEP IT UP! Because in reality, there aren’t many people in the world who can tell the story of a feisty little nun. That, my dear, is a gift…

      Thanks for the support — and the great feedback!

  48. Patti Ross says:

    OK: Selfish reason for you to keep writing–I just found you and your blog and loved it. You have every right to voice your opinion. So to the jerk and his lawyer saying to keep quiet, tell him the immortal line from one of my favorite women, Bette Midler: “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke!”

    • Crazy story: I often share the comments I receive from readers with Boyfriend Brett, and I was reading yours to him last night while we were making a late dinner. Pandora was playing in the background, on some crazy Barry Manilow station (I know, I know…), and guess what song was playing as I read your comment:

      Bette Midler/The Rose.

      !!!!

      Symmetry. It’s a beautiful thing.

      Thank you so much for the comment, Patti…I’m glad you’re here!

  49. Dana says:

    Due to insomnia I read through the rest of Marilyn’s blog…she sure spends a lot of time trying to tell everyone your ex wants NOTHING to do with you….hmmm…insecure much?? And how can she be trying to get this blog shut down, when she does nothing but talk about you in hers? Crazy!

    Oh, and saw the feathers. I would have been pissed too.

  50. Pingback: My Big Fat Poop Wedding « Me 2.0

  51. Just keep blogging and your answers will come. Just keep seeking and don’t give that up. You are seeking the new you – don’t let them take that away.

    • Not a chance — they will not be taking away my 2.0 version, I promise. I’m having too much fun trying to decide who this next iteration of me is going to be!

      Thank you so much for the comment…

  52. Pingback: Dear Universe: Can You Hear Me Now? « Me 2.0

  53. REALLY!?!?!
    “Drama much dead squirrel”
    BAhahahaaa……. Your Hilarious!!!
    I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog!

  54. Anonymouse says:

    its a psychological thing. you gotta figure out why in the first place you care for someones that hurt you? why do you care about thier opinion? if you wanna do something, what is stopping you? you have to ask yourself that. if you genuine wana do something, you should be able ot achieve that thing, right? nothign should stop you, right?

    the honest truth is, is that his words are only half the equation. it doesn’t take one hand to clap. what i mean is, there is a reason why they affect you and it lies within your own self (as scary as it can be, but its liberating as-well)

    you’re not crazy, you’re just really hurt. once we get hurt, we develop a sympathy, even if its towards people who have hurt us.you will find that you develop this type of sympathy to anyone else in your shoes (i,e who is hurt) its just that the ref flags are going up as you know deep down that that’s not how you should be feeling towards one who has hurt you.

    • Interesting perspective. But in reality, it’s not necessarily that I care about the opinion of someone who hurt me — I only care about what the courts say I can/cannot do in relation to it all. And I’m only affected by it/them because my children are with them half the time.

      My preference: to never, ever, ever have interaction with them again. But that’s not necessarily a reality in a situation with 50-50 joint physical custody of 2 amazing kids!

      Thanks for the comment!

  55. Miss Edee says:

    I’m so glad I stumbled on your blog. I’m not divorced. In fact, my hubs and I just celebrated our 20th. I started my own blog about a year ago. About seven months ago I started opening up and writing about childhood sexual abuse and sexual violence. One of my posts (long story for a comment section) was post at The New Agenda and I’m now a contributing writer, where I write about – you guessed it – women’s safety, primarily when it comes to sexual violence. I do come up for air now and then. I have to in order to stay sane and not get burned out on it, since it’s such a heavy/personal topic. I wrote one piece in particular about Mimi Kennedy that was very personal. Figured the knuckle draggers from my past can neither read nor spell my name correctly enough to Google me. I’d be shocked if they could afford an internet connection. Unfortunately, my dad broke down and confided in one relatives – with tears in his eyes, mind you – which was then presented to the knuckle draggers, their parents, siblings, and (unbelievably) their spawn. Offspring. Whatever. They’ve known for months that I’ve been writing/speaking out. They’ve been watching, but not leaving comments (yeah, I read that one). Finally, a younger sibling, the one who wasn’t even born when it all began, sent me a couple of direct messages on twitter. One was worded in a way that actually acknowledges the truth of what her brothers did. I kind of think that’s funny. The other said something like “quote me bitch, see if I don’t bust your ass for slander.”

    Misunderstanding of the meaning of the word “slander” aside, it really spooked me. Made me want to stop writing. But I can’t. I had been silenced for 35 years and felt silenced once again. It’s been a couple of months and my writing has been a little cautious. I have to remind myself when I post that it’s my right to do so. I’m not naming names, only writing truth that it turns out a lot of people have known all along anyway. When I hit that “post” button, I get a little twinge of oh crap, coupled with a smidge of nausea. I. Don’t. Give. A. Shit. Period. It’s my right. It’s the truth, and they all know it. So what do I do? Like I said, I write other stuff in between. I’ve separated the hardcore stuff from the fun personal essays, moving the activist/sexual violence stuff to another blog. I use my private, anyone-who-reads-this-dies journal for the deep angst. I still write for The New Agenda (blog post yesterday, as a matter of fact) and I’m proud of that. I’m doing what I’m meant to do. So are you. You never know how many people are relieved to know you aren’t alone, and clearly it resonates if you have so many “imaginary” readers! lol It does spook. It probably will continue to spook now and then. I also know I could get in a lot of legal trouble if I’m not careful, which is sad considering the statute of limitations ran out a long time ago and I can’t legally do anything. So to the knuckle draggers and the Johns and the Marilyns, I say Fuck ‘em! They can all kiss my ass. Fuckers.

    • Miss Edee says:

      I should mention that they have told a couple other relatives that I should be scared to go back to my hometown to visit. There’s that whole physical thing that has me spooked, rather than legal. They can’t even afford to drive past an attorney’s office, let alone hire one. Pfft!

  56. Anastasia says:

    Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  57. Pingback: The one where Jennifer Aniston presses her supple lips to my soft, tender cheek… | Me 2.0

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