What’s Your Divorce Name?

You’ve all seen ‘em before: The “What’s Your (fill-in-the-blank) Name” games that make their rounds on Facebook and throughout the vast social media-sphere (media-verse? media-laxy?).

And really, they’re annoying.

If by “annoying” I mean “addictive.”

For example, one of my favorites is the “What’s Your Porn Star Name” game. Which, oddly enough, has the same rules as the “What’s Your Drag Queen Name” game. And as you’ll soon see, the latter definitely works way better for my particular moniker.

Anyhow, the rules: In order to figure out your porn star name, you take the name of your first pet as your first name, and then the name of the first street you lived on as a child as your last name.

Wilbur was my first pet (no, not as in “Some Pig.” He was a parakeet. Don’t ask.).

Southhampton was my first street.

Hence: Wilbur Southhampton.

Who wouldn’t want to see the money shot with Wilbur Southhampton? (See, told ya it was a better Drag Queen name.)

Or if you prefer the smoky sophistication of jazz-casual to “Alexis Texas is Buttwoman” (seriously people…that’s a real porn movie — I hope you all appreciate the lengths I go to to research these posts for you), there’s the one circling Facebook today, which is the “What’s Your Blues Name” game. Here’s the chart:

For me, MAB = Jailhouse Bones McGee

Don’t laugh, or I’ll whack you. Seriously.

Or, ahoy there me matey, there’s even this, avast: The pirate name generator.

Canon-Balls Faith (apparently that’s me) warns: Visit at yer own peril, ye scurvy dogs.

So considering there’s a name game for just about everything — a “What’s Your Smurf Name,” “What’s Your Star Wars Name,” even a “What’s Your Paula Deen Food Name” (yeah, I may have made that one up…but every one of them would be some combination of “bacon,” “mayonnaise,” “butter” and “deep-fried dough”) — I had an idea.

I thought to myself, “Self…” (I knew you’d want the play-by-play of this particular conversation), “…what would your divorce name be?”

(Yes. I talk to myself in the second person. So what?)

A divorce name. It has huge connotations, considering many of us go through an identity crisis of sorts, post-divorce. So who would you be if you could name yourself in those days/months/years post-divorce? The identity would need to embody the destruction, the opportunity to start anew and the “fuck the douchebag” mentality that happens in those bat-shit crazy precarious days.

It would have to be one part loose cannon. One part optimistically empowered. One part thank-all-that-is-holy-that-the-douche-is-gone.

Sounds just about right.

And hey: Everyone can play, even if you haven’t been divorced (yet?). And believe you-me, I hope you haven’t been.

OK, so here are the rules. For your first name, you must take the first initial of your ex’s first name. Because this is the crazy part. And don’t worry, any ol’ ex will do:

A = Crazyass J = Bitter S = Wildcard
B = Cranky K = Jilted T = Chaos
C = Seething L = Blindside U = Ragin’
D = Jaded M = Ugh V = Fuckity
E = Blazin’ N = Wonky W = Crabby
F = Blackout O = Fiery X = Buzzin’
G = Emo P = Facepalm Y = Hotmess
H = Shawn Q = Screamin’ Z = Shocky
I = Rut-ro R = Breathless

Now the middle name — the empowered part. Take the first letter of your first name:

A or B: Legend K or L: Mojo S or T: Fearless
C or D: “Chuck Norris” M or N: “The Rock” U or V: Da-Shizzle
E or F: Badass O or P: Coolio W or X: FREEDOM!
G or H = McSexy Q or R = Wine-me Y or Z = “The Shit”
I or J = Smokin’

…and finally, your last name comes from the month of your anniversary (or, if you’re not married, the month you met the aforementioned asshole ex):

January: McMovingonigan

February: VanWinnington

March: O’Freefromtheidiot

April: LeLoserishistory

May: Bitemeassholington

June: O’Overyou

July: McYayme

August: Fitzfuckyoudumbass

September: MacMyexisadingleberry

October: Dingdongtheassholeisgoneington

November: Nolongerstuckerman

December: McMofoless

Optional note: If you are of Latin heritage, feel free to add “El” or “La” before the first name; or if you’d like to pay homage to your Native American heritage, add “Stabs with a Pokey Spear” (or any combination of aggressive verb+preposition+object of the preposition that will mortally wound) to the name wherever you so desire.

So there you have it. Using “John” as the fictional first name of my ex, and August as the very real month in which we were married, here’s my divorce name:

Bitter “The Rock” Fitzfuckyoudumbass

Pleased to make your acquaintance!

(You know what’s bizarre? I didn’t even try to give myself “The Rock” as a middle name … despite “The Brick” that ended my marriage. It’s The Universe, friends…I’m telling ya’…)

Now this, people…this is going to be HUGE. Just remember, you saw it here first. Feel free to email this, share it on Facebook or pass it along to any and all peeps who may appreciate it… ;)

Now, of course, we’d all love to hear:

What’s your divorce name? (And if you’re so inclined, I’d love to see your porn star name, blues name and/or Paula Deen Food name…)

Mayonnaise Butter Bacon (a.k.a. Mikalee Ann Byerman) is dying to know…

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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123 Responses to What’s Your Divorce Name?

  1. “Bitter Mojo McMofoless.”

    Okay, it was supposed to be “Dingdongtheassholeisgone,” but I liked the ring of the other one. Sorry I cheated.

  2. Is Stupid Contagious? says:

    Mine is Chaos “The Rock” O’Overyou

  3. Harper Faulkner says:

    Sorry, Mikalee, I can’t play. My divorce was entirely my fault. I was the jerk you so elegantly write about. My ex could play your game and any ending name would fit me, I’m afraid. Having said that, my divorce was a long time ago and I hopefully have matured and have not make the same mistakes again. It took me years to forgive myself and my ex has never forgiven me to this day. However, I do have a cool blues name, Brown Lemon Jackson.

    • Wow, HF…as someone on the other side of the equation, I can tell you you’re a good person for admitting that — and growing from the experience. Trust me, you’re not as much of a jerk as those who claim no wrongdoing whatsoever.

      And given the way you talk about your wife, I’d say you’re doing a pretty darn good job.
      :)

      Brown Lemon Jackson — love love LOVE it!

      • Is Stupid Contagious? says:

        I think most of us wish that our ex’s could evolve enough to admit where they were at fault and *gasp* apologize for cheating and putting us through hell. But that requires introspection that most who wander are unable or unwilling to do.

        • Definitely. Which is why I’m certainly not holding my breath anymore. I think there was a time in my life when I agreed with my friends, who advised, “Someday, he’ll come around…”

          Yeah. Not so much. Moving on… (or rather, moved on…).

  4. Ugh “The Rock” McMovingonigan.

    I have to admit, I rather like it. It’s not quite as catchy as Mayonnaise Butter Bacon, but it’ll do.

    And, really? You had to throw in the word “yet”? I know you’re cynical and jaded and all, but that really proves it.

    …says one divorced person to the next. And yeah, I laughed out loud. ;)

  5. Lee Block says:

    LMAO….I can’t even imagine how long this took you to write….

    Hearts and flowers,

    Cranky “Mojo” McMovingonigan

    • You know what’s funny? It didn’t take me long at all to write. I just started brainstorming words associated with my divorce…hence the first name categories. Then I brainstormed words associated with my life now…hence the middle names. Finally, I brainstormed all the things I wished I could tell my ex about me now…hence the last names.

      Hence: It was really quite cathartic!

      And can I tell you how much I love that you, Cranky, signed your comment with “Hearts and flowers”?!?!

  6. Dana says:

    LOVE! My Blues Name is Old Gumbo Lee, and my Divorce Name is Blindside “Chuck Norris” McMofoless. I used the name of an ex boyfriend… didn’t want to jinx my current marriage! (KNOCK ON WOOD)

  7. jennigetsit says:

    Jaded Smokin Dingdongtheassisgoneingan! Love it! VERY funny post! Enjoyed it immensly!
    I am very happy the ass is gone, but I still cannot seem to get my divorce! He is not willing to be reasonable!
    Hanging in there though!
    Jenni

  8. Emo “Chuck Norris” VanWinnington stars in her first porno as Tui Centurion.
    Awesome.
    The soundtrack features Sticky Killer McGee on sax ;p

  9. Anne Schilde says:

    I would never plug my initials into of these silly things.

    ~ Bitter Legend McYayme

  10. That was fun! Plus, “Seething Jaded McMofoless aka Memphis Stupid” is more amusing than my porn name, Rounder 40th.

  11. Thanks so much for the chuckle, because, even though we got along for a while after the divorce, the past few years when I think of her, “UGH” is so appropriate. “Ugh Mojo McMovingonagin” is a great description of that relationship.

    Fun post as usual.
    Yours truly,
    “Curly Fingers” Washington

    • While Ugh Mojo McMovingonigan is chock-full o’ awesome, I have to share: I thought “Curly Fingers” Washington was your porn name. Thus the question in my mind: “Why was your first pet named Curly Fingers???”

      But now I get it.
      ;)

  12. Heh! We’re sisters (August). I’m Breathless ”Fearless” Fitzfuckyoudumbass!
    Yes, it is addictive…my blues name is Blind ”Fingers” Bailey, which goes well with my son’s bluegrass band, The Loose Digits.
    I rather like my porn star/drag queen name (although, the accent should be on the second syllable of the last name)…Carmie Lebanon.

    • You’ve got to be kidding about your son’s bluegrass band??? If not, it’s SO appropriate that your Blues Name is Blind Fingers Bailey. Simply awesome…

      Nice to meet a fellow Fitzfuckyoudumbass…especially one with such a cool porn name!

  13. cestlavie22 says:

    Apparently my Divorce name is Jaded Fearless ‘OFreeFromtheIdiot,

  14. Ruth says:

    I’m thinking you have WAY too much time on your hands (and I know you don’t have way too much time on your hands) but I’m also thinking you’re an f’ing genius.

    Much love,
    Crazyass Wine-Me Bitemeassholington

    • Well, it turns out we both have neglected children. ;)

      And I think I’ll use your extracted comment on my first book jacket, if that’s alright with you:

      “She’s a fucking genius.”
      – Crazyass Wine-Me Bitemeassholington
      Blogger, Content Marketer and Child Neglecter (or is it Neglector?)

  15. Rob Rubin says:

    My porn name was Jack Hammer…back when I did porn.

    • I hope it was in the days of Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer series. Because those names are too close NOT to take advantage of the connection (and those Stacy Keach shows always seemed like soft porn to be anyhow…). ;)

  16. Liza Lee/Elizabeth says:

    Blazin’ Stabs-with-a-Sharp-Arrow Badass McYayme

    I had to recognize my (minor) native American heritage.

  17. rmv says:

    skinny gumbo jenkins. what it is, what it is.

  18. Blockader says:

    Have you noticed, like with the pornstar name game, the things used, first pet, first street… and so on, match up with the same answers we were once asked by our e-mail provider to set a secret question in case we ever forgot our password and needed to change it? What was your first pet? What was the name of the first street you lived on?…and so on.

    YES, e-mail hackers created the pornstar name game!!!

    Me and my silly conspiracy theories…next thing I know, I’ll start getting paranoid beliving someone in China’s military is reading this comment at this very moment and regardless of copywrite laws is storing it on some massive super-secure tamper-proof hard-drive in an underground bunker for future reference.

    Then again, maybe they just enjoy your blog.

    I do.

    • Wow. I mean, WOW! Interesting take. Paranoid perhaps, but potentially spot-on.

      Wilbur and Southhampton are made up. Honest.

      Well, not really. But for the purposes of the Chinese bunker, we’ll just say they are.

      Thanks for making me think, Blockader!

  19. SaptarshiC says:

    Cannon-Balls?!!
    rEAlly?

  20. La Emo “The Rock” McMovingonigan, that’s my name. As for my porn name, the name of my first street I lived on was 78th Avenue. So does Razzels 78th Avenue sound weird? Or should I take the name of my second street and call myself Razzels Rockland? What do you think?

    • Oooh, La Emo: You’ve got a whole “rock” thing going yourself. “The Rock” and Rockland…I definitely think it’s a sign.

      Razzels Rockland is too good. I could say more about your AWESOME porn name, but I think I’ll just end it there before I get myself in trouble. ;)

  21. groovyrick says:

    HA! I’m Ugh “Wine Me” Dingdongtheassholeisgoneington. What a name! How would you like to carve my tombstone for 10 cents a letter? I’ve never tried the porn-star name because I really had one back in the 80′s when I was doing films. They were mostly regional, so you’ve probably never heard of me by my stage name (Dick Hurtzer). And my blues name is Skinny Boy Rivers, which sounds about as white as I am. Great post…glad you called this one out. Most of those little Facebook games annoy me. Just wanna chat with my friends, folks!

  22. amybrinager says:

    This post is hilarious!!! My divorce name was Jaded Fearless Bitemeassholington :) HAHAHA

  23. My blues name is Fat Gumbo Bradley…I like it. I like it a lot.

    Cranky Legend Nolongerstuckerman…If only the last name weren’t so long, I’d be down with it.

  24. Reblogged this on myriadmusingsandrandomobservations and commented:
    I wish I was this funny.
    Signed,
    Old Gumbo Jefferson, Cheesecake Bacon Butter, and Jaded ‘Chuck Norris’ LeLoserishistory

  25. Meg says:

    This was great!

    I just call him the Asshole for short. Her name is C___nina Vagina. (or as my bff calls her C___suela.

    But you can call me:

    Crazyass “The Rock” Dingdongtheassholeisgoneington.

  26. Harold says:

    My porn name would be Mitzi Highview!!! LOL!!! or Sarge Highview or Sam Highview! Depends on which pet to pick.
    My divorce name is Blindside McSexy McYayme

  27. Kelly M says:

    Blazin’ Mojo Bitemeassholington – very fitting cause he certainly can bite me

  28. Sharon says:

    I took the liberty of changing up the last name a little bit on mine, because I just love the word douchebag too much. I now proudly bear the name Seething Fearless MacMyexisadouchebag.

  29. Tori Nelson says:

    I’m getting married in a couple months, but I played the game anyways. Better to be prepared, right?

    • You did see this line, right?

      “Everyone can play, even if you haven’t been divorced (yet?).”

      That was aimed at you, “Fearless,” and all your fellow wide-eyed, silly romantics.

      Not really…but kinda…
      ;)

  30. joanneinjax says:

    My divorce name made no sense, and since that was well over 25 years ago, really doesn’t apply. But my man of the last 13 years, who I have not yet married, will be thrilled to know that my porn name is Trixie Charon, and, sincet he’s a good ole Louisiana boy, that my blues name is Boney Boy Jones!

  31. kitchenmudge says:

    Ugly Legs Washington here…

    I still haven’t let go of the fact that you’re possessed by the Lady in Red, who kills squirrels in her rage. In honor of the recently passed Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day http://ochistorical.blogspot.com/2012/01/fuzzy-mcgee-on-talk-like-grizzled.html
    I dub thee “Ripshit Red, the Squirrel Killer”, a fine title for a dime novel of the old West, right? Fits your locality.

    You can take your choice for the short version:

    Ripshit
    Red
    Squirrely
    Killer

    • I’m telling ya, Ugly Legs: “Ripshit Red, the Squirrel Killer” may just be the name of my first novel. Or a pesticide. But I think I’m leaning toward my first novel…

      And you can definitely call me any of the abbreviated versions. “Red” is apropos right now because my hair is reddish. But next week — maybe not so much. So then…then I may be Killer.

  32. My divorce name is Newt Leroy Gingrich.

    Oh wait; already taken…

    Fiery Smokin McYayme…almost as good…..part cajun BBQ, part Scottish marauder…perfect.

    Nicely done MB….nicely done.

    • LOL! I knew there was something open-marriage-ish about you…

      Perhaps it’s the “Fiery Smokin” moniker. One thing is guaranteed with a name like that: You’re hot, that’s for sure…

  33. Antara says:

    My dragqueen name is Lotta Estrogen =))

    also…do check out http://www.blogthings.com if you haven’t already. SO addictive.

  34. Paul says:

    my blues name is sleepy baby dupree and seething coolio Fitzfuckyoudumbass is my divorce name. I think my music career will start with as Sleepy Baby Dupree.

    Woofs.

  35. Divorce – Wildcard Smokin’ MacMyexisadingleberry
    Pornstar – Simone Illona (smexyyyy!)
    Paula Deen – Jambone Brie and Dead Chipmuncks (I know, a weird one, but that’s what it came to with Jared Blake DiCroce as a name!)
    Blues {Which was EPIC} – Boney Money Dupree — I am actually considering changing my stage name to this now. Or even possibly writing under this as a pseudonym.

  36. scribedoll says:

    When I got divorced, I immediately dropped my ex-husband’s surname, but then I didn’t want to revert to my maiden name, either. So I found the ideal solution – I changed my surname to my grandmother’s maiden name. She told me when I was a child, that she saw me becoming a teacher and a writer – so it was by way of thanking her.

  37. Porn Name: Angus Bay

    Blues Name: Boney Eyes Davis

    Pirate Name: Cap’n Diego Greasepalms

    Divorce Name (Based on Crazy Ex, Not Current Lovely Wife): Jaded Smokin’ Fitzfuckyoudumbass

    Paula Deen Name: Sugarshock O’Gritsington-Fuckmuffin

    • You know, Mr. Smith (or may I call you “brother,” considering we’re both Fitzfuckyoudumbasses?), of all the people who have posted all their names in the comments, I’d have to say as a package: Yours are in the Top 2.

      Angus Bay?!?! Boney Eyes Davis?!?!

      There’s all kinds of beauty right there… ;)

  38. http://itsmeandthemoon.wordpress.com says:

    this isn’t my REAL divorce name, but it is my favorite: Jaded McSexy O’Overyou! You crack me up! Thanks for the laugh! :)

  39. Jaded Dashizzle Fitzfuckyoubadass. Excellent.

    • Da shizzle totally works for you. Maybe that could serve as the counterpoint to the damsel in distress “Pauline” image — henceforth, you shall be known as the Perils of Divorced Da Shizzle Pauline.

      Or at least that’s what I’ll call you…

  40. Simon says:

    This will be the next thing I find in my inbox with 200 other CCs on it. Nice work!

    Yours Truly,
    Chaos Fearless O’Overyou
    AKA Blind Harp Rivers
    AKA Sampson Azalea

  41. Pretty good writing, when you have me wishing I was divorced, just to play! (Cranky Chuck Norris Movingonagain) I also wanted to let you know that I’ve sent you the Sunshine Award… for your sunny, sunny disposition. Not entirely sure what the award is based on (other than sharing our links on other people’s blog sites (the only reason I’m doing it here, as I don’t believe in doing that)… BUT, I do appreciate when other bloggers give kudos. And you, my dear blog friend, get my kudos today. :-)

    http://talesfromthemotherland.me/

    • You are so sweet. I know I’ve said “thank you” before…but thank you again. Really.

      And my absolute favorite middle name of the group is “Chuck Norris.” It doesn’t shock me that you would bear that rockin’ moniker. Though we’ll just keep that between us — no reason for your husband to know.

  42. I gotta love this game- Wildcard Fearless Bitemeassholington- what a name! And oh, so true, except maybe for the “fearless” part.
    I also checked my Pirate Name: Pirate Azriel the Ochre, my Vampire Name: Vampire Ursula of Moravia, and my Gangsta Name: Young Dirty Tree Hugga.
    A bit off topic, but I think you’ll enjoy this tidbit. My Dad and the kid who works for him saw my ex (who I’ve thankfully not seen in over 17 years) at a car show last fall. They report that he has acquired a remarkable resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, and a putrifying stench to match. I used to make him shower. I used to keep junk food out of the house. Apparently his current significant other isn’t quite so picky.
    If I weren’t already thankful that I headed for the hills when I did, I sure should be now. :)

    • Yeah, I’m definitely no “rock” either, but I do love how the middle names might represent us as we WISH we could be. “Fearless” fits you!

      Jabba the Hutt, eh? Congrats to you. You’re SO much better off, and I do LOVE hearing stories like this!

  43. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I loved this post!! It was fantastic. I’d never heard of this stuff ‘what’s your…. name’ I’m totally intrigued by porn star name.

    This is just so cool, so fun. Thanks :)

  44. paula deen food name = favorite!

  45. The Hook says:

    Originality is rare in our world, young lady; you should be very proud of yourself! Great post!

  46. Harper Faulkner says:

    Dang! Write here! HF

  47. aFrankAngle says:

    Whoa … We’re approaching our 35th anniversary and I better pass on this one … thus staying away from a potential jinx.

  48. innocent1 says:

    I can only imagine you had great fun writing this! Regrettably however I don’t think I’ll share this with my friends on Facebook because they already think my grip on reality is tenuous at best. So no need to dig my own grave :)

  49. Anita Mac says:

    Oh that is crazy! Tried a few name combos – not good! Couldn’t even do that to my ex!

  50. mj monaghan says:

    Always creative, always original. I’m so glad I’m timely and just seeing this post … what, TWO WEEKS after it came out?? What’s up with that?

    Glad to get my fix,
    Jailhouse Fingers Lee

    • Well, considering that means we’re two weeks past the date of my last post — perhaps that’s a good thing. See, it’s like I just posted today! (…at least in MJ Monaghan’s world…)

      Come to think of it, I think I’d like to live in MJ Monaghan’s world. Just for a day… ;)

  51. kk50 says:

    Jilted Smokin Bitemeassholington. Love it. You are so creative. It kind of fits. He left me for someone else. I was smokin mad. You can fill in the rest.

    • That’s the beauty of the game! I think it’s like horoscopes…how you see yourself in the write-up, no matter how relevant it is/is not! However, your moniker is definitely fitting…and fetching. Congrats, “Smokin’”!

  52. edshunnybunny says:

    Just stopping by to say thanks for visiting and commenting on my “freshly pressed” post.

    I enjoyed your post. Makes me wonder who thinks up these activities!

  53. Blues Name: Fat Foot Jones

    For the divorce name, I had to mostly guess at; I’ve never been in any relationship, but I was kissed once, long ago. So…

    Divorce Name: Crazyass “Legend” O’Freeoftheidiot

    I just loved the idea that much (way more than the idiotic versions floating around the media-verse), that I had to try it out. XD

  54. kitchenmudge says:

    Ran across this one recently:

    Your Superhero name:

    The color of the top you’re wearing and the first object on your right.

    When I first saw it, I was the Grey Speaker, now I’m the Red Mouse. Gonna be lots superheroes that are mice, I imagine.

  55. Phenom says:

    Jaded Smokin’ MacMyexisadingleberry

    He’s also a douche canoe ;)

  56. Great post. Hilarious! You have a really great writing style.

    ~Buddy Eyes Davis.

  57. Julie Frayn says:

    Divorce name: Ugh “Smokin” O’Overyou – and it only took 4 minutes to get over him, so I really was smokin’.

    Porn star name: Frosty 149A Avenue. Well, that doesn’t work. Not even for a drag queen!

    Pirate Name: Ramona the Bald. Hahahahaa.. Slightly too much hair for that.

    Superhero name: Black wine (thanks, kitchenmudge!) I LOVE that. I may make that official…

  58. Micky says:

    When I read the porn star name part and the “first pet name” and “street name” I just couldn’t stop laughing, lol.

    Great post!

    -Yella Davis

  59. Sallyjane says:

    Jilted Fearless O’Overyou… Ok so I know I am totally late to this post, but I just happened to be cleaning out my email and noticed I missed this one. I am currently totally focused on my artwork and going public with it! It’s all about me these days I tell you!
    Namaste My Friends

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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