The one where Jennifer Aniston presses her supple lips to my soft, tender cheek…

This post is going to be a crazy hot mess of gooey randomness, because as usual, there’s lots going on. Mostly, I’m covered head-to-toe in baby drool, and I can’t get “My binky is hiding from Mommy…” out of my head (sung to the tune of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean…”).

Yeah. FML.

And FYL too, because now you’ll be humming that sunny little ditty all day. You’re welcome.

Anyhow, here’s five things straight from this chaotic jumble I call “life”:

  1. Thanks to you, my amazing readers, and your supportive feedback (even though you were once accused of being “alleged” readers — don’t worry, I still believe in you…), I took the plunge and followed your advice — and pitched my story about the Photo Booth of Death to Ladies’ Home Journal. And guess what? They loved it! In fact, the editor told me that every time she had my picture on her screen and someone passed the desk, they LOLed. Like, for real. Of course, they changed a bit of the voice (I suppose “Photo Booth of Death” was a tad ominous for their happy-go-lucky readers, hence “Photo Booth of Horror” became the title —and for some reason, they didn’t want me writing “We thought we were being fucking killed” in the story). But please, if you have a moment, check out the last page of this month’s issue (Sept/Oct) of Ladies’ Home Journal. It’s my first time being published in a magazine with 10.8 million readers, so thank you all for encouraging me to pop my own national women’s publication cherry. Turns out, it felt good. And now I totally owe you all something. Like a pony. Or a brick inscribed with my undying affection. Something like that.

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And check it out: Connie Britton is on the cover. Jen Anniston is on the back. And when you fold the magazine page just so, she kisses me. And my brother, too — but I figured her kissing me was slightly more titillating for all of you girl-on-girl-on-glossy-paper lovers out there.

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Oh, and just one more thing: If you’re a fan of my writer page on Facebook at www.facebook.com/MikaleeByermanWriterChick, you already knew all of this — so my apologies for the shameless self-promotion. But I really just wanted to share the good news with you, my inspirations!

Oh, and just one more just-one-more-thing: If you’re not a fan of my writer page on Facebook, what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, I tend to post there more than here these days…just because I’m on Facebook frequently, browsing George Takei’s witticisms while Baby Bryerlee sleeps in 10.2-second increments.

2. You guys are plain creepy. Recent search engine results that have brought readers to my blog include:

  • “cutest ways to depict naked baby asses”
  • “how to get Super Glue off of a penis”
  • “how to get Super Glue out of the tip of my penis”
  • “squirrel penis”
  • “squirrel vaginas”

And speaking to those last two points, guess what I happened upon just the other day?

I've lost count: Is this dead squirrel #3? Or #4? And have you ever met anyone who happens upon  more overdramatic, cartoonesque roadkill than I do?

I’ve lost count: Is this dead squirrel #3? Or #4? And have you ever met anyone who happens upon more overdramatic, cartoonesque roadkill than I do?

3. One of the things I do while not making up new words to traditional Irish folk songs for Baby Bryerlee is search for writing jobs on the Internet. And you’d never believe what’s out there. So I’m sharing.

Recently, I almost applied for the following:

  • Freelance Farsi Translators (Seriously? It there a big need for this?)
  • Electronic cigarette writer (Is this someone who writes with an electronic cigarette? Or writes about an electronic cigarette? Because I’m thinking that’s a significant difference…)
  • Writer with taxidermy and baking experience (I’m seriously concerned)
  • …and my favorite, a freelance foot hygiene blogger

Remember that email I once got from a stalker reader, asking about my soft and supple hands and feet? Well, I presume that qualifies me for that last job…

4. I snapped this picture recently — his office is right next door to my nail salon. Seriously. An attorney. Named Richard Blower. Nickname, presumably, “Dick.” In Reno. Sound like something that would happen on Reno 911? Well, as they say, the truth is stranger than fiction. Oh yeah — and you can’t make this shit up.

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5. Just realized: Remember my whole “Fuck The Secret” rant — that ultimately resulted in me perhaps-maybe-kinda-sorta-possibly-perchance believing The Secret could be The Truth after the whole Diet Coke kerfuffle? Well guess what? Remember how I posted a picture of me “pregnant.” With a post titled “Pregnant.” Only to try to dupe you all into thinking I was pregnant…but it was all a rouse, a total scam, because I was just playing off the whole idea of a “pregnant pause”? Holy shit. I put it out there, didn’t I? And then it happened, didn’t it? Plus, turns out, I was cuter fake pregnant.

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Me. Fake Pregnant.

Yeah, I got pregnant. Real pregnant.

Fuck you, Universe. Fuck you very much.

And finally, a bonus point: I’m now a contributing writer at www.divorcedmoms.com. The full site will be launching soon, but hook up with them in the meantime if you’ve ever been a mom and you’ve ever been divorced. Even if you’re remarried. Like I am. For now. ;)

OK, your turn: Talk to me! Please? I need interaction with humans who don’t leak from random orifices and mumble and squeal and wildly swing arms they don’t realize are theirs at jingly toys with creepy, satanic smiles.

Though if that sounds like you, I certainly don’t mean any disrespect…

  1. Have you ever been kissed by a celebrity — in a magazine, or in real life?
  2. Dick Blower — epic attorney name, right?
  3. If you’re a blogger, what has been your favorite search engine term that has led to your blog?
  4. Anyone else think the song was called “My body lies over the ocean”? Guess I’ve been singing it wrong, like, my whole goddamn life.

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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16 Responses to The one where Jennifer Aniston presses her supple lips to my soft, tender cheek…

  1. Mimi says:

    Love ya, Mik. Can’t wait to press my supple lips to la bebe’s soft cheeks soon!

  2. Hey!

    My first ever writing sale was to a women’s magazine: A pregnancy diary from the guy’s point of view. They paid me actual money. Never sold another article, but never mind, only fifteen years later, and I’m making a part-time wage from writing plays! BIG TIME BABY!

    1.I never got kissed by a celebrity, but I did interview a celebrity (Charlie Dimmock – she was famous in the UK fifteen years ago) while wearing my pajamas. Lucky for her, she was on a train miles away and talking to me on the phone. Oh, and I taught Toyah Wilcox to juggle. She was a famous singer. Now I guess she’s just a singer…..
    2. I prefer Bob Loblaw, from “Arrested Development” Because he was Scott Baio!
    3. Yesterday I got “Document cat” which is so weird, I can’t even…
    4. Never. That’s just you. Also, all three of my girls grew up listening to the music I wanted to play in the car or house. They’re all brilliant singers and I’m as sane as can be expected in the circumstances.

    • Hey now — you’re doing what you love, and that’s all that matters. Right? RIGHT? I know, it does help to be able to eat more than Top Ramen every once in a while too…but food that costs more than 15 cents/serving is so overrated.

      Bob Loblaw. Totally forgot that one! Almost as much fun as when Tobias combined analyst and therapist to form “analrapist.” Awesome…

      Great celebrity stories, btw. Remind me to hit you up when I decide to combine my singing talents (you’d be amazed at my stirring rendition of “My binky is hiding from mommy”) with some mad juggling skillz. I think there’s a future in that one — ala The Wiggles…

  3. Hey, Mikalee! How are you doing? The baby’s adorable. I have my own blog now. My favorite search so far was this: how did queen elizabeth ii respond to the oklahoma tornado

    I dunno what that was all about.

  4. Thanks for that song… yeah, love it. Stuck in my brain. Searing my gray matter. Mazel on Ladies Home; Jennifer A- Whoa! I did get kissed on the cheek by both Bing Crosby and Bob Hope, when I was a wee one. They were eating lunch at the Pebble Beach golf club; my mom worked there; and, I was especially adorable. Hence, they bought me an ice cream and I got kissed x 2. By two of my favorite classics. Is it sick that I think of you, EVERY time I see a dead squirrel? Welcome back!

  5. I’ve never been kissed by a celebrity, but I did sell Paul from The Wonder Years a gift for his grandma when I worked at Brookstone. Eh, six of one, half dozen of another, right?

    Thanks for the glossy girl-on-girl pic, even if it’s fake. I never thought I might stash a copy of Ladies Home Journal in my stack of Playboys, but this might just persuade me to do so.

    And THAT is probably creepier than any of the search terms you’ve come across.

  6. kitchenmudge says:

    There are many songs set to that tune. My mother sang a slightly toned-down version of this one, which is simply the first that popped up in a quick googling.

    http://www.fighterpilotuniversity.com/music-and-theater/songs/money-rolls-in/

  7. Wonderfully funny stuff. And I love the way people find there way to my blog. I even blogged about it :-)

    http://wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/a-pair-of-great-tits/

    Enjoy :-)

  8. Jacci says:

    I wrote one post a long time ago that had “Black Widow” in the title. It’s still the main search word for my blog. Go figure.

  9. kitchenmudge says:

    Need I point out that your F***book link goes to the F***book signup page? Those of us withou accounts cannot view it, apparently.

  10. Lorraine says:

    Mikalee! I’m obviously elated that you’re posting again. Congratulations on Bryerlee, she’s beautiful. However, I’m dying to know how the relationship is going with “John” and “Marilyn”. I still very much love your writing but initially your blog captivated me with your honesty about topics that were not typically written about. I’m wondering if a judge actually did grant the “other side” their wish to not allow you to blog about your feelings on the subject. That would be a shame. I love that you and BF Bret are happy and started your own family. However, you have GOT to give us something regarding what you had previously blogged about. I’m not sure why I have the feeling of them not doing well. Karma?
    I really am so glad you’re back!

  11. Congratulations on the Ladies Home Journal piece. I love Connie Britton so frankly you’re in great company. Will pick it up today when I go to the store. Glad you’re doing well and haven’t lost your wicked bite to childbirth!

  12. hrhdaf says:

    LMAO at that pair of photos of the two of you! My goodness you’re famous now! Can I give you a top tip though? Before the paparazzi start following you about and going through your trash and taking zoom lens shots of you, you really need to stop killing squirrels in your spare time. It just don’t look good girl! ;O)
    Hugs Daf xxx

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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