Dear Universe: Can You Hear Me Now?

Generally speaking, I'm opposed to burning books. I'll make an exception for this one... (Note: Only one book and no bloggers were harmed during the making of this image. And yes, it's REALLY on fire. What you don't see is Boyfriend Brett taking the picture with one hand — and holding a fire extinguisher with the other...)

I am a believer. I’m not entirely sure what I believe — or why I believe — but I can say for sure and certain that I believe. And I believe others can believe how they want to believe their beliefs.

But one thing I don’t believe (and you may want to lean forward so I can whisper this, lest lightning hit you if YOU’RE a believer in beliefs I don’t believe): The Universe is not listening.

Nope, The Universe has bigger things on its mind. Like being all vast. And universal-ly. And boundless and such.

Anyhow, according to the aforementioned all-knowing knower of all things worth knowing (Wikipedia, not The Universe):

u•ni•verse

noun /ˈyo͞onəˌvərs/

  1. All existing matter and space considered as a whole; the cosmos. The universe is believed to be at least 10 billion light years in diameter and contains a vast number of galaxies; it has been expanding since its creation in the Big Bang about 13 billion years ago

Yeah. Right…billions of light years in diameter and billions of years old. I’m thinking it has about a-billion-and-one other things to worry about than you or me.

But here’s the deal: I have many friends who believe The Universe? It hears them. Like seriously. It’s LISTENING! They even told me, post-divorce, that all I had to do was tell The Universe what I want from my future Boyfriend/Husband/Man 2.0. Then he would come to me.

Maybe in a shining ball of light, I’m guessing. Perhaps even with a giant bow on him, and a gift tag: “To Mikalee 2.0. Love, The Universe.”

I wish.

People: The Universe doesn’t care about me. Or you. It’s a big ball of cosmos with its own laundry list of worries – unlike your clearly bored and slightly crazy cat-lady neighbor who “pretends” to be pruning that same goddamn rose bush in the yard for 30 minutes so she can eavesdrop on your conversation with Boyfriend Brett.

(Yeah, I may have a neighbor who needs a life.)

I know this is like giving the universe a bye. It gets away with whatever it wants, while my life is under my own control. This also flies in the face of “The Secret,” which is essentially the idea that The Universe is listening — and responding.

And to that suggestion, to The Secret and to my wonderful friends who liken The Universe to my nosy crazy cat-lady neighbor: I say FUCK The Secret.

Seriously. Fuck it. It has no place in my life. The phrase “attitude of gratitude” makes me want to yack. I mean, come on: I talk ALL THE TIME about finding a soul mate and being discovered by a successful and passionate publisher who simply loves loves LOVES my writing and how much I adore my kids and want them to have a beautiful stress-free life and how I desperately want to trust again and how much I wish some people in my life would just leave me alone and stop sending insidious little stupid messages through my blog and her blog ALL the time.

Yet The Universe hasn’t responded. I mean, seriously, I talk about all these things almost as much as I talk about my obsession with Diet Coke! And you don’t see Diet Coke responding to my messages, do you?

Um. Uh-oh. Crap. May want to rethink that comparison.

So here’s the deal. I received this cheery little message in my inbox a few weeks ago. Subject line: “A Surprise from Diet Coke”:

Hi Mikalee,

I’m reaching out to you on behalf of Diet Coke. Thanks for being such an extraordinary fan! We love all of the nice things you’ve said on your MikaleeByerman blog.

In honor of our birthday on July 29th, we’re sending 29 fans an amazing birthday surprise — and you’re one of them! We only have a limited number of gifts, so if you’d like one, we’d need you to send us your contact info (name, mailing address and phone number) by Monday. Please let me know if you have any questions.

We look forward to celebrating our birthday with you!

Cheery representative’s name (omitted for privacy reasons, of course — because I know you’ll all bomb her with tons of requests of your own)

Wieden+Kennedy on behalf of Diet Coke

Just a reminder: Taxes may apply.

Taxes may apply?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! RIGHT ON!

My first thought: Oh my GOD! It’s a major award!

The infamous leg lamp, a.k.a. the "major award" won by Ralphie's proud papa in A Christmas Story (photo available via Creative Commons non-commercial license)

My second thought: I’d receive a wad of “$1 off  your next 2-Liter bottle purchase” coupons. But regardless: I had been chosen. By Diet Coke. To be one of only 29 people in the whole wide world — nay, The Universe — to receive this special surprise!!!

Um, Universe: So sorry for the disrespect. And thanks for listening.

So I sent my address. And I waited. And then one afternoon about a week later, I received this message on my cell phone (transcribed word for word…including condescending/mocking utterances and noises):

“Hi Mikalee, uh, you don’t know who I am, but, for some reason I’m shipping you a refrigerator for free apparently — it’s a Coke promotion. I guess you’re the lucky one. It’s a complicated situation of why I have your refrigerator, but anyway, I’m going to be shipping it to your home address, and it will be getting there on Thursday, just to let you know, cuz, uh, I would hate to have to get that thing back. So, I think it’s going to your home address, so uhhhhh…just wanted to let you know that. So you might leave a note on your door or something, “Leave the refrigerator” (pffffft if you’re not home) “in the back or something.” But it’s coming UPS and should be there during the day Thursday sometime. Thank you. Bye.”

He was pretty full of disdain for “that thing” (a.k.a. my refrigerator), but he quickly called back to explain that it is indeed a mini-refrigerator (I think he didn’t want me expecting a man-sized fridge in my driveway — perhaps only one to fit a child).

Then I received another email from Diet Coke affirming that it is indeed a mini-fridge, and that it would be “stocked” with Diet Coke.

Viral campaign recipient + child-sized fridge + “stocked” with Diet Coke = 1 happy new believer in The Secret (Yay Universe! Yay me!)

OK, so there’s the set-up. And here’s what I got:

Good thing they used a fake box. Otherwise robbers would know I had a fridge on my doorstep. (Wait: But that's not a fake box...)

After dragging and cajoling and man-handling my strangely heavy child-size fridge-in-a-box into the garage (Boyfriend Brett always did say I’m “freakishly strong” — but I think that’s just because I once single-handedly broke a garlic press by squeezing it too hard), I opened the box. Here’s what I found:

Are you as confused by this logo as I am? It's like some designer was sniffing glue while studying Picasso and his blobby eye portraits while sketching my child-size fridge logo. What you can't see are the numerous dents and dings on all sides of the fridge. Hey Disdainful Shipping Dude: Perhaps you shoulda marked the box "Fragile" (of course pronounced "Fra-gee-lay")?

And here’s what was inside the fridge:

"Stocked" with Diet Coke, huh? If by "stocked" you mean "10 cans total, 5 rolling around loose, 5 tossed carelessly in the drawer, which upon shipping, cracked the drawer into 100 tiny pieces"...

And because Diet Coke just happens to be a Facebook friend, I stumbled upon its viral video that tells the tale of the 21 recipients of little fridges on the day I received mine (apparently 8 declined. Or died.). Clearly this video spotlights those living within driving distance of the marketing team making the video for Diet Coke — and/or Kim Kardashian lookalikes wearing crazy-big earrings (click this link to see the video yourself if you’re so inclined. Seriously. Those earrings are MASSIVE!)

Anyhow, here’s a screenshot from the viral video that Diet Coke put out on the big day:

See any differences?

That guy? Peering into a STOCKED fridge. Me? Picking up shards of shelving and drawer shattered by my whole 10 cans of Diet Coke.

Now, I’m certainly not one to look a gift mini-refrigerator in the oddly logoed, badly dented door: But Disdainful Shipping Dude, did you drink all the Diet Coke that was supposed to “stock” my mini-fridge?

Anyhow, I’m totally grateful — just a bit flummoxed by the process that resulted in Disdainful Shipping Dude disdainfully shipping me a damaged mini fridge with a whole 10 cans of Diet Coke. From the makers of all the Diet Coke in the whole world. I mean, really: You’ve only got 10 cans to spare??? I could take $2.99 to my local Safeway and get a whole 12 pack…

But perhaps there’s a lesson to be learned here. I’ve decided, in the aftermath of my Diet Coke present, that perhaps The Secret has merit. After all, the day I started writing this blog post, I read a blog post by Dan Zarrella that included this gem:

“When I studied blogging, I found that blog posts that included the word ‘comments’ typically got more comments than blog posts that did not.”

You see, Danny (if I may be so bold) thinks it’s the power of suggestion, of insidiously placing the desire in the head of the unsuspecting reader who mindlessly sees the word “comment” and robotically thinks to himself, “Hmmm…must leave comment. MUST LEAVE COMMENT!”

He says it’s a “call to action.” Ha! I scoff at that suggestion. Because Danny: It’s just The Universe. It’s listening, dammit!

All-righty-then. Here’s the deal, nosy Universe. In response to my newfound beliefs, I’m going to bypass the whole act of “subtly putting it out there,” of merely suggesting to The Universe my desires. Instead, I’m going a more direct route: by way of an Open Letter to the Universe.

Dear Universe:

So I talk ad nauseum about Diet Coke on my blog, then I get a gift from Diet Coke. Got it. You’re listening

Now here’s the deal: I’m aiming higher this time. I’d like to make a direct request for the next viral campaign you send my way. Perhaps Bugatti Veyron would like to pimp out its SuperCar (pricetag: $2.4 million). Or if House of Winston is eying a bigger publicity prize, I’d be happy to talk A WHOLE LOT about something like the designer’s ‘Extraordinary Diamond Drop Earrings’ consisting of two pear-shaped diamonds in a platinum setting totaling 60.1 carats (for only $8.5  million).

Maybe the Spellings need a viral campaign to sell their sprawling Spelling Manor, which is on the market in LA for a cool $150 million. I’d be more than happy to live in the 123-room mega-mansion. Hell, I’d blog DAILY from the French-chateau-style estate while taking romps among its 4.7 acres. Boyfriend Brett would no longer have to cut my hair, as there’s a 17,000-square foot attic with a barbershop and salon; I’d garden disgusting tomatoes and ignore all their jizz and nubs and seeds and slime (yes, I may have texture issues) while on my rooftop garden; the kids would prove that mad Wii bowling skillz do NOT translate to in-real-life bowling ability on the mansion’s two-lane bowling alley; and my staff would enjoy the service wing with staff quarters (the staff does come with the $150 million price tag, right?).

So there you go: Bugatti Veyron, Harry Winston diamonds, Spelling Manor … and while you’re at it, would you mind giving my kids an amazing life? And send me a publisher for my book? And one request from Boyfriend Brett: Perhaps you can also infuse me with just a wee bit of trust?

Thanks a billion….

XOXO,

Mikalee

There you have it: I’m a convert. And because of my newfound, born-again belief in The Universe and its fuckin’ ginormous set of ears, here’s the deal: I’m ALL in! I’m going to (comment below) just keep hoping that (Harry Winston diamonds) all my efforts of being a super-cool human (Spelling Manor) will pay off while I talk about (Maserati) all sorts of high-end (24-K Gold “Little Something” Vibrator by Jimmyjane) items. And I will (Bugatti Veyron) keep being this super-cool human and (comment below) keep writing my shit. Because (comment below) I want to be a success (comment-comment-comment dammit!).

So what do you think? Am I aiming high enough? Did I get the shaft from Diet Coke and Disdainful Shipping Dude? Do you believe in The Secret or The Universe? Have you ever broken a garlic press by squeezing too hard? Will I be struck by lightning in the next few days?

Because already, I think The Universe is pissed at me. Look what it left in my path yesterday. Seriously.

So Universe: Let me get this straight. Three months ago, I encounter overdramatic dead squirrel. I take pix of said dead squirrel. I post pix and blog about said dead squirrel. Twice.

Now yesterday, you bring me yet another overdramatic dead squirrel and place it directly in my path?!?!

Twice in a lifetime? Maybe. Twice in like 80 days? Say it with me, people: “You just can’t make this shit up…”

P.S. Universe: You do realize a dead squirrel is not a publisher for my book, right? Just sayin’.

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About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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191 Responses to Dear Universe: Can You Hear Me Now?

  1. Elizabeth B says:

    I feel compelled to comment. That’s all.

  2. Shawn Griffin says:

    Any time you get to read about a tremendous diss of “The Universe”, “The Secret” AND get a “ginormous” reference, this makes a f$&%ing OUTSTANDING blog.

    Ginormous!!!

    Mikalee, I wish I had a dollar for the number of times that myself and my Sailor buddies had used that phrase (which we completely believe that we created and patented in the late 80′s, I’ll expect my props sometime soon) while strolling the Orlando streets and Florida beaches after boot camp.

    Oddly enough, “The Universe” never listened to us whenever we wished for more Miller Lite long-necks, bikini-clad girls and more leave time.

    Huh?

    Long necks?

    Who previously said they had a freakishly long neck?
    :)

    Maybe “The Universe” was listening … Just 25 years later.

    • The word “ginormous” rocks. It’s all-ecompassing. And fun to say. And dramatic. And even a little titilating…

      So kudos to you and your sailor buddies for coming up with such a super-cool word. Your royalty check is in the mail!

      And regarding the Universe’s response to your wishes: I guess you can just be grateful it didn’t put a dead giraffe in your path.
      ;)

  3. chris says:

    Actually…….the squirrel was the publisher. He just drank too much Diet Coke, was in an aspartame induced fog, and inexplicably had a mini fridge drop out of the back of a delivery truck onto his noggin. Yet another dream postponed by Diet Coke. “I want to teach the world to sing” my ass. “I want to teach the universe to sing” might lead to better results. Just sayin.

    • Crap. Then if I accept your premise, my publishing dreams are as dead as the two squirrels that have been dropped in my path. Damn that Universe and its copious dead squirrel-publishers, anyhow…

  4. alastor993 says:

    I think Diet Coke might be more trustwothy… although big BIG companies….
    Then again, I guess the whole Universe listening (and answering?) might have more to do with visualisation (how ever that really works) then actually having an actively listing universe… Even if IT were only listening to the peeps on Earth, that’s a mighty big racket innit?
    Personally, I try not to think to much about what I want, my future, past and what not. Am I enjoying myself, is my life gratefying? Don’t fix what ain’t broken… Is it not so cool and am I not so very happy? Then fix it… do something else…
    Idonno….
    Great read, thanks for sharing!

    • See…I can totally dig your approach! It places the ownership of my happiness (or not) in my hands — not “out there” in some nebulous/ethereal blob of space that I can’t comprehend. Or control.

  5. astrawally says:

    Yet another excellent post. I tried asking the universe for a few things but as of yet they are still to come! That well stocked fridge is a nice turn up though and she did have seriously oversized earrings. Thank you for cheering me up yet again
    A.Wally

    • Thanks, astrawally. I think if The Universe really is listening, it might be a cynical, coy, game-playing blob of cosmos. I mean come on: the brick? Dead squirrels? My #1 shit divorce ranking on Google?

      These kinda seem the opposite of what I’ve been asking for all my life. Just sayin’…

      I wish you better luck getting on The Universe’s “good side”!

  6. It does sound like the Universe was slightly pissed at you..lol
    Hopefully, it will get it’s act together!
    Interesting post :)
    I’m a real neophyte to blogging and just recently joined. Subbed you!..my first sub.
    Despite the Universe’s issues I hope your summer has been a good one:)

    • Well, I’m honored to be your first. I promise I’ll be gentle!

      Actually, given the whole mocking of The Universe and posting of dead squirrel pix, my guess is this was not a “gentle” introduction to blogging. Sorry bout that. I guess I should tell you now that I do things a wee bit differently than some bloggers out there…

      Thanks so much for the comment, and I look forward to hearing more from you!

  7. Sarah Een says:

    Aww…”The Secret”..how funny you would mention that now. Wanna know the secret of “The Secret”? shhh..it’s a fucking cult! Don’t tell anyone. I have been a member of the Rick Ross cult forum for a long time trying to find info about certain empowerment trainings and the secret is just recycled est/landmark/harmony/impact training. My sister bought into that shit..language of increase. The whole thing that increase was her credit card bill and maybe her ass. My step-niece tried to get me to watch it..the look I gave her. The real secret is that sometimes good is good enough and that drawing 10 0′s after the one on your dollar bills only makes you look stupid.

    • Too funny — it’s TOTALLY a cult! I remember a while back when someone tried to get me to come to one of their “sessions.”

      I think the look on my face and the hysterical laughter prevented her from asking again. Or maybe it was the mocking?

  8. oscarvalles says:

    Just something that I noticed while viewing the video on YouTube. In your post, your screen capture shows 1,266 views, while currently on the site there are only 255. I think you made this vid so popular that the counter reset. Nice job. =)

  9. Roxanne says:

    I have nothing to say, yet I’m strangely compelled to comment. I don’t know why . . .

  10. Great post. Seems like you know a great deal more about the universe than you admit. Miami is my universe. It can be pretty crappy some times esp the all too frequent drive-bys. Irene is coming. May blow my universe away. Yikes !

    • Don’t SAY that, Carl…SHHHH!! The Universe and its EARS, after all…

      Actually, I’m just going to put this out there right now: Irene is going to downgrade quickly, miss all populated points and disappear into the Atlantic.

      (Did you hear that, Universe? Huh?)

      Best of luck — keep us posted!

  11. Heidi says:

    Shhh…I am trying to think of what I want to request from the universe.

  12. Must… comment… now!

    Great post as usual! I guess you REALLY can’t make this sh!t up!
    I’m a scientist who now goes out with a business woman whose friends are all into holistic sh*t and The Secret, -sigh- sometimes its too much for me. I also say FUCK THE SECRET! The universe is not listening, it doesn’t even have ears!
    Inspired by your blog I now pay more attention to all that bat-shit crazy things in life, and the so called symbols. My girlfriend’s business is related to construction and recently she was talking about bricks, I’m sorry to say it but I couldn’t help thinking about you Mikalee!

    Congratulations on your disdained fridge and diet coke (of which, my gf is also a big enthusiast!).
    Must… comment… another blog… bye bye! (4now)

    • Ha! I’m so glad I’ve opened your eyes to the crazy…it’s really all around, isn’t it? And yeah, I’m lumping “holistic shit” into that big pot of crazy…no disrespect to your girlfriend and her friends…
      ;)

      I’m so glad my bat-shit crazy life could inspire deeper reflection — especially regarding bricks! I seem to be confronted with more than my fair share of that particularly lovely symbol. Perhaps I was always meant to be a brick mason???

      Thanks for the great comment!

  13. Holy shit. I just blogged about squirrels a few days ago, too! Clearly, the Universe is at work in odd and mysterious ways here, forging a connection between you and I that transcends a mere Spirit magazine article. When you get the Spelling Manor, then (bring me along) you’re going to have (bring me along) some very interesting (bring me along) posts to write (“boyfriend Brett” WHO?!), I’m sure!

    Very impressive that Diet Coke chose you for their prize. Not so impressive execution, but hey – it’s the thought that counts.

    • I have chills.

      First: the squirrel connection.

      Next: The name of the magazine for which I interviewed you. Spirit?!?!

      Finally: I’m feeling strangely compelled to run off to Los Angeles with you. Don’t exactly know why…
      ;)

  14. Rhiannon says:

    Hey! That is NOT a mini fridge! That is the size of my fridge! My whole fridge, all my chilled items fit in it. I know you can get one double the size or one that you could fit several people in, but it is not a mini fridge! A mini fridge is one of those tiny ones that only fit about 10 cans in them! (hahaha) that live in people’s bedrooms or offices.
    That is a real fridge and on it’s behalf I am offended at it’s size being mocked.

    Normally I wouldn’t bother to say such an insignificant opinion, but I felt like the universe wanted me to. It didn’t want me to go out and donate to water aid today, but it was very specific about leaving a comment on your blog.

    • Well crap. You know what that means, right? That means a real “mini fridge” is probably on its way to me, considering all the mocking I just did! ;) Thanks for the clarification, and my apologies to all mini fridges out there that I may have offended.

      And I’m so glad you heeded The Universe’s directive and commented on my blog today — much appreciated!

  15. How much do you think you could get for that fridge on EBAY ? hmmm … Good item for a dorm room !
    Are you sure those dead squirrels aren’t a sign being left by some bat shit crazy EX’s new XXXX? Kind of like a race-horse’s head left by the Godfather on one’s bed as a sign ? have you hired a body guard yet ?

    As for the power of the secret … which means lusting for something, … I know some bat shit crazy psycho stalker has been channeling thoughts of her vagina and its magical secret powers for 10 years now towards my husband’s receptors…. it’s not working bitch !!. Guess my powers are a bit stronger, because my powers come from a good place, not from a place of wanting, needing and it’s all about ME-ME-ME.

    • Totally: I’ve already considered the eBay option, but I’m afraid it may be more trouble than it’s worth. I think I’ll just store my Diet Coke and white wine bottles in there … until my son is off to college. Then he’ll have the coolest oddly logo-ed slightly dinged up little fridge ever for his dorm room!

  16. Ashley says:

    Wanna know a secret? Rhonda Byrne made a lot of money off of telling folks to have a positive, can-do attitude with a lot of visualizing.. Cha-Ching. Praying works for me. It doesn’t make me richer, but it sure makes me stronger. Oh, and I like the fridge! A day without Diet Coke is like a day without sunshine;)

    • Indeed, Ashley — I knew there was something beyond good blogging taste that connected us: Diet Coke is my Achilles’ heel!

      And I can completely understand the concept of praying, because at least there’s an end result — a recipient of the message, a counterpart to the dialogue. It’s when the recipient is a Universe that I become a skeptic!

  17. Patti Ross says:

    Great post, I needed a laugh. I think the Universe has a wicked sense of humor and multi-tasks, so things are apt to get mixed up. Imagine the poor person wishing for a squirrel and getting a dead job offer on their doorstep?!

    I think Coco Cola should re-do their gift so you get the full complete non-dented gift. But it would be even better if it were from Pepsi!

    • Ohhh, Patti! That’s like blasphemy! There shall be NO Pepsi in a Byerman home. NONE! ;)

      And I have to tell you I laughed out loud at your assessment of the squirrel/dead job offer mix up. Good point. That CRAZY Universe…and it’s CRAZY sense of humor…

  18. Connie T says:

    That is a cool mini fridge, but in the video they delivered it unwrapped and full of coke. You got gipped on the diet coke part and too bad yours is dented. I would tell them to take it back so I didn’t have to pay taxes on it. What did they say it was worth? Maybe tell them it was damaged. It might be a collectors item.

    • Yeah, something tells me the video “deliveries” were staged…I mean, why else would that woman wear those giant earrings? ;)

      And the dings and dents just add to the story. I don’t mind paying a little for something my son will undoubtedly end up taking to college in 7 years!

  19. Lori Dyan says:

    I had to read this post three times because I couldn’t get past the image of Boyfriend Brett looking like a fireman… #yowza

  20. Harold says:

    Sorry Mistress Mikalee, this minnion goes for Pepsi. Let’s see diet, coke, cola, coca yep all 4 letter words.
    But congrats on your prize all be it a bit dinged and at least 10 of those silver/red cans holding that stuff inside.
    A dead squirrel tells no tales, unfortunately they also can’t sign book deals either.
    Unfortunately the universe hasn’t listened or read my blog about needing a job or enough work. Maybe if I mention it on everyone elses blog it will help?
    Chicagoland I am a plumber help me plumb!!!!
    Hey Universe? I could tell you where to stick it but I am not that kind of guy! You are too busy giving 29 people small refrigerators with 10 cans of diet coke!!!
    I’m blathering on here on your blog I don’t know what compelled me to do this. Just couldn’t help myself. I had to comment, just had to comment, couldn’t not comment, so I did.
    What did I say…let me look back…oh my gosh!!
    Sorry Mistress Mikalee! minnion doesn’t wish to offend

    • No offense at all, Harold — I just hope The Universe is in a better mood while dealing with your request.

      Here’s wishing you many jobs … and no dead squirrels in your path!

      (And BTW, I think the only offense I take is to your Pepsi affinity. I’m tempted to say “You’re dead to me” after that revelation — but alas, I dig the idea of having minions!)
      ;)

  21. Tori Nelson says:

    You win for burning that book, hula hoop!

  22. Kathy50 says:

    Hi Mikalee,
    Well, in the moviie Christmas Story, Ralphie gets his Red Ryder, but then proceeds to almost shoot his eye out. You get your major award, and it comes complete with dings, broken drawer and minus a few cans of Coke. The universe has a sense of humor.

  23. abelovedone says:

    A Man Said to the Universe

    A man said to the universe:
    “Sir I exist!”
    “However,” replied the universe,
    “The fact has not created in me
    A sense of obligation.”

    – Stephen Crane

  24. So… did they run out of diet coke? At the Coca-Cola plant? They’re like, “Oh no, only 10 left… does anyone have some cash? We could run to 7-11? No one? How are we supposed to find more diet coke, here at the Coca-Cola plant?”

    I agree, not to look a gift fridge in the mouth, but that’s super weird. But, still kind of cool.

    Wonderfully written!

    • Exactly! I mean, come on … you’re going through all this effort/expense to send me a little fridge, yet you don’t have enough cans laying around to make it look “stocked,” as promised? Really?

      Oh well. I’m one mini fridge and 10 cans of Diet richer than I was before. I guess there’s that…

      Thanks so much for the great comment and feedback!

  25. kitchenmudge says:

    Ok, clearly the universe listens to Mikalee,

    (See: http://kitchenmudge.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/mikaleeparvati.jpg
    You really might have asked me for an illustration for this post.)

    though, like a grumpy waiter, it often gets the order wrong. I pray Mikalee to intercede for me. Take this down carefully.

    As an old Detroit native, I wish a fridge stocked with Vernor’s, made by the old recipe, with an apostrophe on the label, made with real sugar, aged in oak four years.

    Is that too much to ask of the UNIVERSE?

    • kitchenmudge says:

      Had to clean up the image a little. The new URL is:

    • Oh. My. GOD!!! I love love love love LOVE this!

      You do know what you’ve done, right kitchenmudge? I mean, here I am trying to find a publisher. Once I do, my publisher and I will be looking for a particularly creative Gimp illustrator who gets my vibe. Guess who’s on the top of that list?

      I may be using your image in a future post — if you don’t mind!

      And I’ll send a special wish to The Universe on your behalf. Except remember: I say “publisher” and it hears “dead squirrel.” If I say “fridge stocked with Vernor’s, made by the old recipe, with an apostrophe on the label, made with real sugar, aged in oak four years” it will likely hear “microwave filled with Spaghetti-O’s, made by an ugly woman, with a sprinkling of bleu cheese on top, covered in bacon bits, surrounded by dead cockroaches.”

      So enjoy that. ;)

      • kitchenmudge says:

        Far be it from me to try to piggyback on your impending frickin’-rock-star-from-Mars status. It’s just that…

        Once I saw the picture of Parvati with an empty pop bottle, it became a must-do.

        Apologies in advance for the blasphemy, if any Hindus are reading.

  26. I really like this post, but this universe you speak of, why do you think it isn’t listening to you, it created you. U are completely different from your crazy neighbor and your needs and wants are different from every other living person you see around you. If that’s not a sign that someone is listening and wants you to express yourself to them, then what is? Please tell me what you think. I’m new at this blogging thing, and if you could help me out in any way, or suggest ways to get started bigger and better, I would greatly appreciate it.

    • Wow — that’s really deep! And yes, I can certainly acknowledge that there’s something BIG and very powerful out there. Not sure exactly what it is, but it’s there — I just don’t believe that saying something out loud or wishing for it or “putting it out there” will bring it my way. But that’s just me…

      As for the whole blogging thing, I wish you tons of luck! It’s a great way to connect and express yourself, and I’m having a lot of fun with it. No real tips, other than just write what you’re passionate about … and don’t get frustrated about not having good feedback at first. It definitely takes a while to establish yourself in this medium!

      I look forward to reading more about you — and you’re always welcome to come share here, too!

  27. salmart2 says:

    When I ask for a coke in a restuarant & they say ‘Is Pepsi’s Ok?’ I say ‘Is monopoly money ok?’ Just sayin…

    • How did I miss responding to this?!?! It was like my Favorite. Comment. EVER!!!!

      BF Brett and I laughed so hard. And I’m tempted to try it out myself, if you don’t mind.

      So true, Salmart. Dead-fucking-on!!!

      I adore your wit, friend…

  28. Marko - Buki blog says:

    great blog!!! :)

  29. runningmanda says:

    OMG!!! Can I be so bold as to say, I think I love you?!?!? :) Kidding, but seriously, you are hilarious! Loved this post and can’t wait to go through your entire blog and read all night long! …okay, well maybe tomorrow, I’m supposed to be doing a kitchen remodel tonight. DANG IT! Anyway, consider me a signed up. LOVE your style of writing and the ideas that come outta that noggin of yours. Keep up the bloggin. Please!

  30. MJ says:

    Diet Coke–yes!!

    I don’t even understand people who prefer DP. wha?!

    Still loving your blog and hope your summer has been fabulous!
    :)

    • Aw shucks, thank you MJ! And yeah, I’m totally baffled at people who prefer DP. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: I used to be one of them! (?!?!?!, right?).

      Yes, before my first pregnancy, I was a DP fiend. Then for 9 months, I was de-caffeinated (those two periods of my life — both pregnancies — remain the hardest days ever. Perhaps harder than my brick-inspired divorce, even!).

      So when I was again able to consume caffeine, I first asked for a Diet Pepsi. But it was so — SWEET! But not in a good way. I then tried Diet Coke. Just right.

      And I’ve been its biggest fan ever since…

  31. Dana says:

    Hmm I think someone raided your fridge and stole some diet cokes. Are you going to keep that fridge, it’s an interesting conversation piece if nothing else lol.

    How’s the ex situation? Marilyn’s latest blog was so…lame…just another sad attempt to try and send some barbs your way. And she only succeeds in making herself seem bitter and paranoid. You have to do an update blog soon lol.

    • Agreed — Disdainful Shipping Dude took out his disdain for me and my mini-fridge by drinking my drinks! I’m convinced… And yes, I’m keeping it — you’re right, a fun convo piece, and I’m thinking it’ll make a nice white wine storage fridge. And Diet Coke, of course…

      So, onto the other topic…”lame” indeed. Ugh. I just wish she’d stop — it’s embarrassing for her, really. I keep picturing this hamster on a wheel, and at first it was all frenzied and feverish, and now it’s just — sluggish. And tired. And lame…

      Thanks for the comment!

  32. Book burning! Rad! No, seriously…lol… I am so with you. I have been wanting to win the lottery for many years now, and the Universe still has not heard me… selective hearing and all that….

    • I know, right? I mean, come on, if The Universe had such huge ears and all — wouldn’t we all be in perfect shape right now? Wouldn’t there be no wars, and peace and unicorns and rainbows and cheap gas and money growing on trees and fat-free yummy chocolate and wine flowing in rivers?

      Well at least that’s what would surround me…
      ;)

  33. John says:

    So you got a mini-fridge sandwich with dead squirrel bread? The universe is messing with you. Just in case it’s listening, can you ask it for a job for me as CEO of a brewery run by blonde supermodels?

  34. This brings the following to mind…two months ago I pulled out of the driveway and one of the tires felt like it had something in it. Just didn’t sound right on the road. Pulled back into driveway. Has a giant screw in it, but not in a vital organ of the tire, so manly guy that I am I pull it out. No escaping air. Mission accomplished. Less than three weeks after that, my wife pulls out of the driveway in her car and one of the tires felt like it had something in it. Pulled back into driveway. Has the SAME STYLE AND SIZE giant screw in it…but in this instance the tire is down some air. While she is carefully explaining how we do need to leave the screw in to drive the car to get the tire fixed…yours truly manly guy just pulls said screw out, making the tire go flat in about ten seconds. Manly guy got to put the spare on first before driving it to get fixed. Twice in three weeks…and if I knew I hadn’t thrown the first screw in the trash you’d swear someone used it on a second household auto. We felt…screwed. Nice universe.

    • Wow: screwed, indeed! I do love your description of going all manly man, though — it made me laugh, and I can only imagine your wife’s face as you pulled the screw out — to the sound of rushing air…

      I’m sincerely hoping that screw found its way to the trash…

  35. dinkerson says:

    This is…… CRAZY. I’ve seen you around, and I guess I expected you to be kinda happy-go-lucky/ go green/ great places to eat in my town/ ten reasons why I wear designer. So it was with those expectations that I stepped inside of your blog. I’m stunned. You’re a real person who talks about real problems. Thanks. Really. And what is up with pantheistic people thinking that the universe is alive?

    • Haha! I love it — I do act all perky and supportive and sweet in my comments (and really, I do have nice/sweet/happy girl tendencies in real life — that’s not an act). But I’ve got a dark side, one that I definitely share on this blog!

      I’m so glad you’re here…mostly because it sounds like you’re not a pantheistic person who’s going to tell me to “put it out there…and watch it show up on my doorstep.” Even though that seemed to work with the Diet Coke and all…

      Thanks so much for the comment!

  36. Mary Royers says:

    Lol @ the Fragile reference <3

  37. I found you on Pauline’s site. Glad I did. The picture of you burning The Secret is priceless. Seriously. Fantastico!

    The Diet Coke is amazing.

    I think really it’s not that the Universe hates you, I just think maybe the Universe thinks you’re “special.”

    • I’m so glad you’re here! Pauline is amazing … glad you stopped by.

      And yeah, I agree that The Universe thinks I’m “special.” Like so special, it has put me in a glass and is toying with me before it sets me free. Yay me!
      ;)

      Thank you for the comment — and I have to tell you, my 9-year-old daughter was sitting on my lap when I approved your comment. She laughed hysterically and said, “I love that user name!”

  38. I too, feel strangely compelled to comment. What appalling “follow-through” by a company that should know better!

    • Damn…I’m honored. You are, after all, Dan the Social Media Guy. I think you would know about viral campaigns and the importance of word of mouth and all…
      ;)

      Clearly, Disdainful Shipping Dude: not a reader of your blog.

      Thanks for the comment. Can’t wait to explore your site a bit more — and pick up some tips that DSD missed while he was drinking my copious cans of Diet Coke.

  39. Nicely done. Thanks for the laugh – really enjoyed this!!

  40. Pingback: Funny | respectfullywritten

  41. Universe, it hold me down against my will and make me channel not-really-English-speaking wordpress spammer in all comments for now till new hobby bring ultimate fulfillment and many girlfriends with the big money and hair that is brunette. Bad recycler, I am for being. I no burn the books, however, I many times have thrown in trash the books that overrated are. I loving that, I saying “your book trash; I spit upon it.” It give feeling of power. Richly rewarding it will be to read more your blog.

    In English, I might say: Strangely compelled to comment, I’m happy that others have also destroyed books, not for evil, repressive reasons, obviously, but because particular ones are a waste of paper, and it’s FUN to do that. Great story about the “prize” fridge…ever ask yourself “Why DOES this shit happen to me?”

    • Haha! Yes, there are some who burn the books (or trash them…or leave them on top of a trashcan in an airport) simply as a symbolic gesture…

      And yes, I ask myself ALL THE TIME why this shit happens to me. The answer, as far as I can tell: to have something to write about! ;)

  42. Jessica says:

    I’m pretty sure the universe keeps one eye on “things” and then likes to screw with you JUST when you start to think it disappeared.

  43. Ted says:

    Yes! Burn it! All I ever thought the secret was about was a fictional way of telling people to believe in themselves and their own power through fable. I had no idea the writer actually wanted people to believe it was the work of the universe :/

    • Yeah…apparently it’s the power of “putting it out there” that eventually “brings it back to us.”

      You’ll notice all my quotes in the previous sentence. That’s because it’s “alleged” and “not real.”
      ;)

  44. You know, you’re pretty damn hilarious.

    Did you happen to post your pick on Diet Coke’s fan page? Perhaps with the text from disdainful delivery guy? That would’ve been awesome.

    I’m going to try that ‘comment’ trick. Huh, it worked on me I guess!

    • Wow — thank you so much! I’m glad I could make you smile with my sad little tale about my sad mini fridge (not) stocked with Diet Coke. And no, I didn’t follow up with Diet Coke. I figured they’d eventually reach out to me, but perhaps not after my scathing post…

      Oops.

  45. Well of course I must leave a comment by simply turning to Monty Python and the Universe (Galaxy) Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk

    Maybe we all need some guy in a pink suit to explain it to us, while feeling all insignificant and all.

  46. hrhdaf says:

    Hey hey!
    Hmmm Im wondering if the idea is that all the prize winners stack their mini fridges together to come up with a complete logo. Maybe its like some kinda giant jigsaw? Maybe delivery man got thirsty and drank half of your winnings? Maybe that isnt a different squirrel but the same one following you around and faking just to see how you’ll react.
    So much to ponder about… off to ask the universe about it.
    Hugs Daf xxx

    • What a great idea! It’s like those stupid puzzle games we all got in party favor bags when we were little — you know, those ones with the pieces all mixed up, and we had to figure out how to move each piece until it created the picture of the smiling dog?!?!

      I definitely think Disdainful Dude drank my Diet. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the squirrel is following me. I guess I suck, because I haven’t offered mouth-to-snout yet. I’m sure I’ll be featured on a “Caught on Camera” Dateline episode soon — the chick who keeps whipping out her camera instead of helping the poor ailing squirrel…

  47. Alexandra says:

    that was amazing. i am such a believer as well — and i love me some jesus. i’ve never read this book and i had no idea what it was about until your post, and THANK YOU for saving me from a terrible experience.

    -alexandra

  48. N says:

    I see that your secret ninja mind trick to make people comment worked. Nice job. I was laughing away at your post, probably looking like a bit of a fool, and loving it! You have an amazing way of writing that just makes it impossible to stop reading. Endless amusement. Thank you!

    • Secret ninja powers rock! We should all use them at will — kinda like The Force, only less Jedi mind-tricky and more “leave an effin’ comment on my blog, dammit…”

      Thanks so much for the kind feedback on my writing, N…much appreciated, and I’m so glad you stopped by!

  49. John says:

    I visited today in the hopes of a new article and as I was scrolling through, a word leaped out at me that I somehow missed the first time. That’s right- I missed the tomato “jizz” reference the first time. I do not know how. But it’s hilarious. And it’s probably going to ruin the next tomato sandwich I eat, which comes standard issue with bread, tomatoes, a little salt, a little pepper, and (cue suspenseful music) mayo.

    • John, thanks for the nightmares inspired by this comment.

      Seriously: a tomato sandwich with nothing but tomatoes (about which I clearly have texture issues — hence “jizz”) and mayonaise (which I call “spooge,” as it offers yet another affront to my texture sensibilities)?

      Enjoy that jizz and spooge sandwich, John. Mmmmm… ;)

  50. Hey Mikalee,
    I don’t know how I missed this blog until now, but I did! Especially since it’s about one of my favorite drinks and topics, Diet Coke! But how funny the turn of events. Some prize. And I bet you were all excited too, as I would have been. Oh well. You handled it beautifully. What a hoot, this post is. Thanks for sharing your sarcastic wit. I think in better condition, that could have been one cool fridge! :)

    • Oh Monica, there is a post-script to the story … which I will be sharing soon.

      Stay tuned!

      Thanks for the feedback — always nice to hear such kind words, especially from one of my separated-at-birth-blogging-twin!

  51. sophabroad says:

    Great post! The universe definitely seems to be listening to you – but is it answering your calls or just trying to mess with you? A dented, partially broken, almost empty fridge and a dead squirrel? To be fair though, maybe the universe was just peeved that you burned a book that was clearly a gospel of truth ;)

  52. jackhenson says:

    It seems that you have tapped into powers beyond us mere mortals, haha! Hmm, the whole mini-fridge situation sounds terribly sketchy. Sounds like you should stock your new fridge with Pepsi Max, eh?

    • Them are fightin’ words, jackhenson. Pepsi Max?!?! I scoff at your suggestion!

      (Though if Pepsi would like to send me something, say a free cruise or all-expense paid trip to Greece, I’d drink some Pepsi Max. Totally…)
      ;)

  53. embonbon says:

    This blog post made my day!

  54. charlywalker says:

    That’s not a dead squirrel….that’s Tori Spelling practicing Yoga….

  55. Jonathan says:

    Just found your blog…I’m stunned and possibly a little transfixed. Fantastic read. Looking forward to checking out your other articles.

    • Well thank you so much — I’m so glad you stopped by, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future — once you’re over the whole “stunned” and “transfixed” portion of your reaction to my writing…
      ;)

  56. Kristen says:

    Why do I feel so much like I have to comment? :)

    Maybe the universe will hear you this time and send you the rest of the Diet Cokes to fill your fridge. I don’t know about you, but 10 isn’t even a week’s worth for me. Lame.

  57. gus3 says:

    Douglas Adams’ philosophy was that the Universe is neither friendly nor hostile, but rather merely absurd.

    I disagree. Reality is a conspiracy of facts, designed to make YOU (whoever that may be) look like an idiot.

    Yes, the Universe really is out to get you.

  58. Haha I love the squirrel part. Very well written and very funny.

    • Kinda bizarre, no? I mean, two dead squirrels in a few months? What are the odds of that?

      Of course, I’m probably the only person I know who whips out her camera and captures the image for posterity…

      Thanks so much for the comment!

  59. 1. You’re hilarious.
    2. I love your hilarity.
    3. I will follow you now. But not to the ends of the earth. Not even if you ask The Universe to make me.
    4. I HATED HATED HATED “The Secret” and was annoyed that I spent $13 on it (on sale).

    • 1. You’re awesome.
      2. I love your awesomeness.
      3. I’m hurt that you won’t follow me to the ends of the earth. But I’m honored that you’ve subscribed — thank you!
      4. Try burning it. I can’t tell you how much better it made me feel. Seriously. ;)

      P.S. Thank you SO much for your comment!

  60. Rai says:

    If I make you angry, will you set me on fire?

  61. The Gay Straight Guy says:

    The Secret made me angry in ways I couldn’t imagine.

    I threw it out after the first half of crap. ;)

    I don’t know, just something about their forumla didn’t sit right for me and there’s too many people putting so many good thoughts out there and getting nothing. Like your good self with your A hole ex. Though, maybe that was the universes way of hooking you up with Boyfriend Brett if you really think about it.

    Good luck with the reunion!

    • Totally agreed — how many times do people wish for world peace and an end to strife and happiness and rainbows and unicorns?

      And how many times does this actually happen? I’m thinking zilch.

      Oh well — and you’re absolutely right about my situation: But more than anything else, I have to be grateful for the ex because without him, my amazing children wouldn’t be mine. I’ll take the heaping helpings of bad for that good any day of the week…

      Thanks for the comment!

  62. lifesincethen says:

    Please forgive me if someone has said this comment already… (i’m at work wasting time, and didnt have any more time to read all the comments to check)

    I just wanted to say be careful what you wish for… You wished for diet coke, and you got a fridge ‘full’ of diet coke in a damaged, but awesome, fridge.
    What would you recieve if you wished for a nice car / house / diamonds, think of the ramifications.

    Anyway, i stumbled upon your blog once before and after seeing you comment on another blog i had come accross, i re visited, so glad i did as i thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. Also, thank you for the great procasination.

    Beth x

    • Hehe…thanks for taking time out of your busy work day to check in on my humble little blog, Beth — glad I could serve as a distraction!

      And yes, I’ve already discovered that The Universe has a mean sense of humor. Stay tuned: The next post will reveal a funny little story about all that…

      Thank you again for stopping by!

  63. liv4outdoors says:

    The Secret; Oh god had a first and last date with a lady who at dinner asked me if I was a believer….. I couldnt run fast enough.

  64. rumpydog says:

    So once I met this woman to told me that she knew this particular day was a good day because she had been practicing “The Secret.” So we get into doing what activity the day held for us and she is all excited because YES! It’s starting out JUST the way she wanted it to. See? The Secret WORKS! But then we get into the actual work involved for the day and it eventually becomes apparent that things are not going well at all. So lady, the moral of that story is, be careful what you ask for, cuz ya might get it!

  65. Dot says:

    Not really pertaining to this post, but having recently been dumped by my husband of 9 years for a much-inferior model, I’d love for you to do a post about how you “got past” what happened to you. You’re clearly a strong and confident woman, not a quivering wreck of a betrayed wife, but I would be interested in an entry speaking to how you got from the brick to where you are now.

    • Wow, Dot — that’s a whole lot to tackle. Could take more than a blog post — perhaps a book?
      ;)

      Really, there were so many things that helped: my children, first and foremost (just by having them in my life and wanting to embrace my life for and with them!); this blog and its amazing readers; family and friends; etc. My divorce was final in March 2008, so it’s been a while — but of course, every once in a while, a collateral issue will rear its ugly head. When you have kids and a huge history, “getting past” it could be a reality one day — then feel raw and yucky and unrealistic the next. One thing’s for certain, though: I’m certainly no longer hung up on him — and really, my feelings for him changed so quickly, considering he was so clearly not the man I thought he was.

      I wish you luck in your journey — trust me, I know it’s not easy. And at the time, it was hard to feel like I was “better off” or that I deserved better. But you know what? I was — and I did. And you do, too!

      I’ll keep chewing on the topic, though — and maybe there will be a post in my future dedicated to you! :)

  66. asoulwalker says:

    You know, living here in the desert (as I am) I don’t here people use the phrase, “just sayn’” much. When I lived in Boston I heard it all the time. Pretty awesome. I’m just sayn’.

  67. Wow! You are hilarious! I would buy a book written by you any day of the week! Excuse me publisher where are you?? I have only read one of your posts so far, I plan on reading more shortly! You made me laugh out loud so many times! It may be because this post really hit home because I also read ‘The Secret’ and had a number of stupid, and frustratingly hilarious things happen to me but I am going to persist with it. I had no dead squirrels, I received no fridge either (which I feel ripped off about) haha but I got dog shit and a man running me over with a push bike! This is just on the day that I finished the book, not to mention the many days since! Keep writing! You are wonderful … and for the record, I commented because you commented on my blog, not just because of the word comment being written many, many times in this post haha … or so I think? maybe it’s subliminal? haha E

    • Well I sincerely thank you for the kind words — now, if only you could “put it out in The Universe” that a publisher happen my way, I’d be eternally grateful! And maybe just maybe I could send some mini-fridge juju your way. Seems only right to reciprocate, after all…

      Dog shit and a man running you over with a push bike? I hope you blogged about that ordeal!

      Thank you so much for the comment, Erin. Even if it was subliminally manipulated…

  68. Rob says:

    ROFL!!! “Maybe in a shining ball of light” More people who believe in some nanny/matchmaker-higher power should read this.

  69. thegrumpess says:

    Ugh, I needed this! After a night of my husband grumbling and growling about cats in bed, being woken up by said cats in bed, then nearly being mauled when Macaroni (dorkcat number one) saw himself in the mirror (he hasn’t figured out its him yet) while I was holding him… things were looking a bit grumpy. A lot grumpy.

    This post cheered me right up! and also: ANOTHER PERSON WITH TEXTURE ISSUES! DONT LEAVE ME! Thank goodness avocado season almost is over!

    Seriously tho, nice post, thanks. :-)

    • How can you possibly be grumpy when you have a Dorkcat named Macaroni who doesn’t recognize himself in the mirror? That’s just good stuff — but I guess it’s only fun when you’re NOT the one being mauled…

      Yeah, we texture issue soul sistas need to stick together. Don’t even get me started about the nubs in tapioca pudding. Blech…

  70. Geetanjali says:

    This post cheered me up as well! All this while I thought I was probably the only person who thought the Secret was all nonsense ;) And also I love the way you write!

    • Thank you so much for the compliment, and I’m always happy to meet someone else who thinks The Secret is crap. I’m afraid the “believers” may take over the world some day…just because they put it out into The Universe and all…

  71. I would say the Universe is eavesdropping more than listening and then throwing you a little judgeface to let you know it hears you!

  72. Pranic Roger says:

    The universe led me to your blog, something which I don’t usually do: read other’s blogs.

    I wanted to post only something which was positive and constructive, so here goes.
    I read ‘the universe is listening- not’, and you’re right, the universe is probably not listening to your blog.
    The synchronicity of the squirrels is significant: they were dead.
    The empty fridge-gift with only part of a dozen diet-coke signifies: are you over-weight?
    is the inside broken and only partially-filled?
    Why someone would want to gift you with such significant messages?
    you’ll figure it out.
    One must get beyond the mind, transcend the mind to reach ‘the secret’.
    I agree with you about one thing: I didn’t like the movie either.

    • Jonathan says:

      I wish there was a dislike button I could push in response to the comment above… ah well.

    • Well, considering you’re someone who doesn’t read others’ blogs, I can certainly understand your perspective. To clarify, however: All written on this blog is typically done with tongue firmly planted in cheek, and I have no illusions about the “power” of my words or the messages I’m receiving.

      I will tell ya one thing, though: The metaphor of the fridge with broken pieces inside and partially filled? Pretty darn brilliant…
      :)

  73. fluffymocchi says:

    LOL funny, because that’s ONE book my mom forced me to read………. I still haven’t finished it yet.. but great perspective! P.s. also fridge

  74. Pingback: I love you. Now go away… « Me 2.0

  75. Rachel says:

    Hello! I just came over from Simply Solo and I am loving your blog! What a hilarious post. I love your mini fridge but they def owe you some more soda! I have to say though… My favorite part is defintely fra-gee-lay because really, is there any way else to say that word haha I’ve been pronouncing it like that forever as a joke but I usually only get blank stares in return. It’s awesome to see it in print :-)
    anyhow so glad I found your blog!!

    • I’m SO glad you’re here, Rachel — and it’s always nice to meet a kindred “fra-gee-lay” spirit.

      I look forward to seeing you around here again…stick around, cuz there’s more Diet Coke lovin’ in my next post!

  76. troismommy says:

    I suppose 10 cans of diet coke are better than none. At least there wasn’t a dead squirrel IN the fridge.

    Thanks for visiting my blog the other day, Yours is cracking me up!

    • You’re ABSOLUTELY right — 10 is far better than none. I’m seriously honored just to have been chosen — and it made great blog fodder! :)

      Thank you for the compliment of returning my visit — much appreciated!

  77. The Wondering Sheep says:

    Wow… Me+Your Blog=HOOKED

    Crazy good writing!

  78. I feel oddly compelled to… I don’t know… leave a comment.

    On the one hand, quantum mechanics does indicate that the observer collapses the waveform, i.e., you create the universe with your choices. Check out “Dr. Quantum and the double slit experiment” just for fun. No, really, it’s fun!

    On the other hand, the Secret woman is a snake oil selling, laughing all the way to the bank sack of crap from way back. If it weren’t for Eat, Love, Pray, she’d be the most overmarketed person in the universe.

    Keep on rockin in the free world.

    • Definitely checking out Dr. Quantum and the double slit experiment — how can that be anything but fun? ;)

      And wow: You must be a soul connection of mine, as I, too, think the Eat Pray Love chick is ENTIRELY overrated. But these people (she and The Secret author) are both millionaires, so I’d by lying if I didn’t admit to being a little jealous of their successes…

      Thank you for the comment!

  79. Justina says:

    Maybe the universe is messing with you because it knows you would blog about it and make other people laugh. I love your thoughts on the crazy logo and the dead squirrels. Funny!

  80. MP says:

    Awesome site!!! Love your boldness

  81. patricemj says:

    I’m so happy to hear someone else gets a little tired of humoring people who believe the universe is there for them and guiding them. It’s sorta irritating, but its not like you can say so, unless of course, you have a blog :0. I guess it’s hard to believe nobody’s watching, to believe we really are on our own.

    • I’m so torn in terms of my own beliefs — but because of that, I think I’m one of those people who doesn’t stand sanctimoniously behind my viewpoint and ONLY my viewpoint, not believing anything suggested to the contrary. I think that kind of fortitude is less about “faith” and more about “ignorance,” as who are we to judge? Who are we to say what’s right and wrong? It seems to me we’re not the ones totally in control, and yet we kinda are, too…you see, I’m torn!

      Thank you, though, for stopping by and commenting: That, I’m not torn about…

  82. The Hook says:

    Wow! Now this a POST!
    Funny, filled with delicious anger at THE MAN (Diet Coke), and just plain awesome!
    You have some mad skills, girl!

  83. Blockader says:

    Refusing to be manipulated by the power of suggestion I will not be leaving a comment here at this time. (It feels good to stand up to the universe!)

  84. gurusatap says:

    wow….nice post. i like this. 8)

  85. Pingback: For This Week (Wednesday’s Class Meeting Cancelled) « English 414

  86. Anne Schilde says:

    Why are there Q-Tips in the pan with the burning book? My curiosity is through the roof!

    “…stumbled upon its viral video…” Too funny!

    • You have good eyes, Schilde … can’t sneak anything by you!

      Those, my dear, were saturated in gasoline. Which were used to “seed” the fire. Because I needed AWESOME flames, and I wanted to watch that baby BURN!

  87. mediaudio says:

    I can’t believe your luck! I wish the squirrels in my neighborhood were so cooperatively dramatic and suicidal. Ours are mostly just suicidal. I believe the Coca Cola Empire should supply a publisher to you as back pay for the free advertising! I agree with your choice of color scheme. I have wanted to comment on one of your awesome posts many times before, but never had anything interesting to say then or now. Any old dang way, have a great Thanksforthelandmassandforsharingthatfoodgiving!

    • Agreed. We have crazy cooperatively dramatically suicidal squirrels. Or at least, I seem to totally attract them…

      Thank you for the great feedback — I hope the Coke Empire reads your comment — and obliges! :)

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  90. It’s kind of awkward for me to comment, since I use the spanish word for Universe in my blog title (and it has nothing to do with superstition, but with making baseball a more “UNIVERSAL” game). I think that the Universe is conspiring against us all, to make us unhappy and to bring disappointment every time we think everything’s gonna be alright… that’s what happens to all of us every once in a while, right?
    Excellent post, had a lot of fun with it.

  91. Jackie Paulson says:

    This is my comment, that I comment, because commenting is just that a comment. LOL ♥

  92. Pingback: I Know You Are But What Am I? (Actually, That’s a Load of Crap, So Tell Me What/How/Who You Are…Please?) « Me 2.0

  93. Pingback: I Know You Are But What Am I? (Actually, That’s a Load of Crap, So Tell Me What/How/Who You Are…Please?) « Me 2.0

  94. mabukach says:

    Very funny. Not that I didn’t believe it, but you really do run on coffee!

  95. mabukach says:

    And by coffee, I meant diet coke. For realsies!

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If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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