I am Such a Dick. (…and Other Eloquent Musings from my Award Show Acceptance Speech…)

Here we are: The beginning of awards season. People’s Choice last night, Golden Globes this weekend, and then it’s onto the Oscars.

Yet I haven’t even expressed gratitude for the shiny new awards lining my own virtual shelves.

I dedicate this (old trophy from my high school days that I dug out of a box in my garage) to my amazing blogging friends...

I can’t even begin to tell you all how truly honored I am each and every time I receive a virtual “nod” from one of my blogging friends, and yet I’ve never really acknowledged them publicly. Or even obeyed the rules of the awards.

Told ya: I’m a total dick.

Can I just claim to be In the bathroom the whole time, like Christine Lahti when she received the Golden Globe and they couldn’t find her – because she was peeing?

Yeah, probably not.

So here is the award-show wrap-up post. And it’s a long one, my apologies. You’ll wish we had musicians to cut me off, mid-presentation…

Anyhow, the rules of these awards all seem to vary slightly, with one commonality: Acknowledge the peeps giving you the honor. And I’m also supposed to draw your attention to worthy blogs that I read, which just so happens to include the names on this list. Plus lots more, but I figure I’ll save the “lots more” for another post.

So here are my award-givers who also happen to have blogs I read (see how convenient that is?). And as an added bonus, I am making up my own award to nominate them all to receive, called the “Mikalee is a Dick but You Are Not” Award, the rules of which are quite simple: Write on your blog about the top 554,449,210 things you’ve done in your life that may have made you a dick. And your top 10 most non-dickesh moments as well. All in alphabetical order. Sorted into 55 categories of descending importance. Color coded.

Then nominate a bajillion-and-one other people to receive the same award. Spread the love, people!

Without further ado, the nominees are:

Ruth Zive: The Freelance Writing Blog (Corporate copy & content marketing that sells)

Ruth is the real deal. She’s a successful writer earning thousands each month practicing her craft, and she recently launched a website teaching us all how to do the same. What I love about Ruth is that she appeals to all levels: I’ve been writing for more than a decade, yet I still find myself going all Oprah with the “a-ha” moments on her blog. Good stuff.

She’s also a mom of five children, and she and I have commiserated about icky divorces. So she’s cool in my book.

Monica’s Tangled Web

Monica is my sister from another mother (that’s possible, right?). She’s snarky, sassy and spirited, plus she’s been Freshly Pressed like a bajillion times – and since I say “fuck” too much, I just have to live vicariously through her epic success on her epic blog. She’s a HuffPo Divorce contributor, and she loves Diet Coke.

That’s my sister!

Harper Faulkner: All Write

Despite the creepy pic of his wife and her one eye, one hand and one arm (not seriously, people), Faulkner has an obvious and adorable passion for his family that resonates through his writing. Some of his most endearing posts are recaps of convos he has had with the wife (much to her dismay), and the snapshot he offers into the life of his marriage is charming. He’s a fun writer with lots o’ personality in his blog. Check him out.

Tales from the Motherland

It is indeed ironic (or is it paradoxical – or coincidental – or — ah screw it…you get the point…) that she HATES the term LOL – because she makes me do it. Again and again. I love her for her quirky obsession with Cheez-Its, and that she refers to her family as the U.N. She also just recently (like…Dec. 31 recently) lost her mom to Huntington’s Disease, which she blogged about beautifully. And finally, she just submitted her first novel to a publisher. My fingers and ALL other body parts are super-duper crossed for her success.

MJ Monaghan

So this cool dude lives just over the Sierra Nevada mountain range from me – making him my actual neighbor, so I think that’s why we have a major reciprocal blog crush going. And he still calls his wife his “bride,” which is the coolest. But whether we’re being invited to weigh in on whether MJ is a “top up or bottom down” man, whether he’s letting us read a letter to his high school guidance counselor, or whether he is sharing poetry about what to do with the final minute of life, MJ always shines through his writing. Love this guy.

J Roycroft

My blogging friend J Roycroft rants and blogs with abandon, but he’s brutally honest – and I love him for that. Plus, he is a former para-military security guy who doesn’t care about “politically correct bullshit,” as he calls it, so he kinda scares me. He also has suffered through a pretty intense divorce from the Spawn of Satan, so this guy deserves some love. Sounds eerily familiar…

MyEventfulLife

This chic is seriously funny (loved her recent post on how her cat ate her fake eyelash). She is a mom of two girls, recently turned 30 and has had several hair colors in the last year.

I can relate. I have several haircolors now.

Jared Blake DiCroce: Chicken soup for the deranged and enlightened mind

Jared is the guy with the life we’ve all dreamed about at one point or another: He’s a writer/actor living in New York City. He’s also dedicated to all creative types. He’s truly endearing, mostly because he calls himself a “…science-nerd, techno-geek, homespun philosopher, lover, fitness advocate, bibliophile, wine enthusiast, and self-proclaimed creative person.” Me too!

My Fair Lady B

This woman does it all – writes about books, photography, movies, politics and anything else that strikes her fancy. Yet she’s only in her 20s. And my favorite part of her blog is on her About page, where she describes her affinity for My Fair Lady as well as what the “B” stands for. I’ll let you read that all on your own.

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Okey doke, rules for the Sunshine Award (thank you, Ruth!): Answer these questions or the nominator hacks you up into bite-size pieces with a machete. Then pees on you. (I’m pretty sure that’s why they call it the “Sunshine” award…you know, pee being the color of sunshine and all?)

  1. Favorite color – Red. Or teal. Or silver. I’m a fan of pee color. And I also like blue. (Can you tell I have commitment issues?)
  2. Favorite animal – Squirrels. The alive variety.
  3. Favorite number – 9. Birth month, and it was my contestant number in the Miss Teen Nevada pageant (see trophy above, see point #9 below under the “Versatile Blogger Award” section. Get it? Number 9???).
  4. Favorite drink – Wow. Hmm. Ummm… Tough one.
  5. Facebook or Twitter – Facebook. I have, like, 695 people following me on Twitter, and I have NO IDEA why. But it kinda creeps me out and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Cuz they’re following me. (*shudders*)
  6. My passion – constantly learning, adapting and growing as a writer so I can experience professional success and make an amazing life for my children, showing them how living your passion is the ultimate joy in life. (Wow, that’s convoluted, huh? But really, that’s just my roundabout way of saying my children are my passion, but since I can’t just make them the center of my world, I instead have to show them how to be thriving, happy adults. No small task…)
  7. Giving or receiving gifts – both! Duh…winning.
  8. Favorite day – Monday (those when I get my children back from the ex for two weeks). Oddly, my least favorite day of the week also is Monday (those when I have to give my children back to the ex for two weeks).
  9. Favorite flower – Tulips and orchids. And yeah, the “vaginal” theme is not lost on me…whatev.
  10. Favorite food – mashed potatoes and chocolate. Oh wow, just read that, and it looks like I’m suggesting that as one dish. Not so much. Mashed potatoes. And chocolate. Just can’t pick one.

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The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award (many thanks to Harper, Tales from the Motherland, MJ, My Eventful Life, J Roycroft and My Fair Lady B) and the Kreativ Award (yay Monica…thank you!) dictate that you reveal anywhere between seven and 45,990 things that people may not know about you.

How’s about I just pick ten:

  1. In June 2009, my dear friend/magazine editor assigned me a story about online dating. A month later, “Reno Writer 1″ went on her first date with “Brett Magic.” (Yeah, we’re both totally embarrassed by the screen names now…). Two years, six months, six days and 20 hours later, Boyfriend Brett and I are still together. And I’m not sure which of us is more surprised by that… (And if you’re so inclined, you can read my story, “E Loves Me, E Loves Me Not,” here.)
  2. Pet peeves: When people say “nuc-u-lar” (instead of nuclear), “expresso” (instead of espresso) and “irregardless” (which simply isn’t a word).
  3. I have a recurring nightmare about giant cats surrounding my hometown. And they eat faces.
  4. IMHO, Jon was WAY hotter than Ponch. Roy was hotter than John Gage. And Frank (Parker Stevenson) was the Hardy Boy that made me hot. Shaun Cassidy made me want to upchuck.
  5. My first high school crush is now a reverend. Something tells me he doesn’t follow my blog, though I am his friend on Facebook. And my first kiss was at the way-old age of 19. But it wasn’t the future reverend.
  6. My two favorite words are “jizz” and “penultimate.” And I’ll bet this is the first time in the history of the spoken word that the words “jizz” and “penultimate” have ever been used together in a sentence. (Ha! Make that two sentences!) And speaking of, one of my favorite pastimes is to try to utter sentences that have never been uttered in the history of the spoken word. My recent favorite: While in a conversation with Brett, I said, “Excuse me, but would you kindly remove your scrotum from my kitchen island.” And before you refuse to eat in my home, it was a joke. He was sitting on my kitchen island, yet he was fully clothed. Honest. But that didn’t make it any less fun to say.
  7. I am addicted to buying mascara. Seriously. ADDICTED. I fall hook, line and sinker for every commercial that tells me I’ll get the longest, lushest, voluminous-est lashes from XYZ brand. And then I head to Walgreens, or CVS, and I try it out. Still searching…

    This is from the last month, people (and the duplicates? Yeah, I had forgotten I already bought ‘em.)

  8. I often hiccup when I drink. Yes, just like that drunken mouse in the Looney Tunes cartoon. In fact, Brett sometimes calls me his “drunken mouse.” And nope, that’s so NOT cute.
  9. I was crowned Miss Teen Reno in 1988. The opening picture of this blog? That’s my trophy! And no, I promise it’s not on display in my office – I truly did have to dig it out of a box in the garage. Alas, I was supposed to go on to the national pageant, but it was in Hawaii and I was but a poor Miss Teen Reno. (cue sobs from a commiserating audience…)
  10. I desperately long to be married again, yet I don’t think I believe in marriage any more. I’m as confused by this as you are.

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And finally, the 7×7 Blogger Award (you rock, Jared — thank you!) asks you to list your top posts (of all you’ve ever written) under the 7 categories below.

Most Beautiful – wow. Beautiful? Huh. I guess my particular style of blogging doesn’t lend itself to beauty per se, but I’d have to say Jesus is My Trash Man: A Christmas Story (Sans Secret Ovaltine Message…) It did, after all, send me a slew of new readers with words like “Pastor,” “Reverend” and “Christ” in their screennames, so I’m guessing it resonated with those who appreciate beauty. And it’s about my children, which is my favorite beautiful topic…

Most Helpful: I Spy with My Little Eye…a Blog Stalker?!?! In this post, I gave readers step-by-step instructions about how to track down their own blog stalkers, making it universally helpful. Plus, once I posted this blog (in which I called out a certain blog stalker who left me multiple messages under multiple identities — and, oh yeah, happened to be married to my ex), the crazy messages stopped. Go figure. So it was super-duper helpful in that regard, too! :)

Most Popular: How my marriage ended with a brick. Hands down, this post has been the most viewed (almost 10,000 hits for that post alone), though not most commented upon (that distinction goes to my “About” page, Who is this Mikalee Byerman chick, anyhow? with almost 400 comments total). However, the opening story of my blog is totally THE STORY that sets the tone for the rest of my work, so it’s no surprise that it would be my most uber-viewed post. Plus, you just can’t make this shit up, and everyone loves a good story. Right?

Most Controversial:Is She Hot? OK, yeah, so I may or may not have asserted through this post that a certain someone in my life looks like Marilyn Manson. But it wasn’t my assessment, people — it was my dear friend who made the observation, and I was merely relaying his story! My truly magnanimous goal of the post was simply to highlight the inappropriateness of people who ask that stupid question, post separation. “Is she hot?” should never be in your post-separation vocabulary. Ever. EVER!

Most Surprisingly Successful: Audacity, thy name is…Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla. The New York Times ran a “Vows” story on this super (sickening) couple, which I (rightfully) mocked — sending 4,086 people to my post in ONE DAY. I was stunned. And thrilled. But mostly stunned.

Most Underrated: Wow…this one is really hard. I mean, really hard, because I would never assert that any of my posts are “underrated.” I’m amazed you seem to find as much joy in them as you do, so I’m appreciative of every “Like,” every comment, every share, everyTHING! But I guess if I’m forced to choose, I’d say You Just Can’t Make This Shit Up, Part Dos, which details bat-shit crazy things you never expect, post-divorce. This list included my daughter getting a hair cut (without my knowledge/permission) only one week after I’d had it professionally cut for her — in a style to exactly match my ex’s new wife. Awesome.

Most Prideworthy: Most Likely to Succeed … at Divorce?!?! When I discovered that I had the No. 1 “Shit Divorce” (as ranked by Google), I was overcome with pride. I mean, really…this is what all women aspire to achieve in life. Right?

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You know what? Hell, you ALL deserve awards. Anyone who takes the time to allow others into their lives through blogging or reading blogs deserves to feel honored. So in commemoration, I’m giving you ALL the “Mikalee is a Dick but You Are Not” Award, but I’m changing the rules slightly: Just leave a comment below and share anything — your favorite blog, a link to your favorite post, or if you’re not a blogger, your favorite thing about today. Whatever. Or you can totally make fun of any of my admissions above — my affinity for the words “jizz” and “penultimate,” my desire to be married but not believing in marriage, “Brett Magic,” drunken hiccuping…I’d just love to hear from you all and see some mutual blog lovin’ going on. Cuz that’s how we roll, people.

And thank you all again — for the nominations, and for the reading of my bloviations and spewage. You are all SO not dicks…

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
This entry was posted in Current (crazy) events, I heart symbols, My bat-shit crazy divorce, Wine and/or Diet Coke. 'Nuff said. and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

105 Responses to I am Such a Dick. (…and Other Eloquent Musings from my Award Show Acceptance Speech…)

  1. Ruth says:

    Thanks for the nod and the link love (though I realize it’s a required part of the award acceptance…).

    Brilliant, hilarious post, as always. I have so many comments.

    1. Ew, I would never pee on you!
    2. Share those pet peeves – how about “a whole nother”! Drives me nuts!
    3. I hiccup when I drink pop (which is rare)
    4. I doubt I’m ever going to use the word ‘jizz’ (really, what’s the appeal?), but you’ve turned me on to penultimate. I love the word mitigate, and lately I’ve been using the term ‘high level’ though I’m not certain I really know what it means.
    5. Dior Show. Best mascara by far.

    • Oh. My. GOD. “A whole nother.” I seriously shudder every time I hear it — which means I shudder a LOT! If I’m close enough to the person uttering it, I’ll go all obnoxious grammar nazi on his/her ass, asking, “Sooooo tell me: what exactly is a ‘nother’?” Works every time…

      I love that you call soda “pop.” Even though I know where you live, if I didn’t, I’d so know you’re so from the northeast… ;)

      And it’s funny you mentioned “high level.” It’s written on a piece of paper on which I’ve scribbled notes and key words for my resume/LinkedIn profile. And now I’m wondering: Did it come from our convo? It’s entirely possible…

      Off to buy some Dior Show mascara. See ya soon — with longer, lusher, voluminous-er lashes!

  2. I like you blog..and also follow you!
    if you want to see some funny videos u can check my blog too..Thnx

  3. JW says:

    Pfffft…It takes more than listing 554, 449, 210 things you’ve done in your life that may have made you a dick. Write 500 blog posts that prove it :)

    • Oooh. Now there’s a challenge if I’ve ever heard of one. Instead of the infamous WordPress “Post-a-day” challenge, let’s make it a “500 posts to prove you’re a dick” challenge. Love it…

  4. Your blog is fantastic, I wish I’d found it while I was going through my divorce. I totally understand the wanting to be married and not believing in it.

    In 3 weeks I will marry for the second time before I am 30 (do I get an award for that?).

    What I tell people is I believe in marriage, I believe it can work. I just don’t believe in a marriage with my ex-husband any more. He was wrong, life is a fairy-tale, I just married the ogre instead of the prince first time around!

    • Wow. Wow. WOW! You totally deserve an award — and lots o’ congratulations. So: CONGRATULATIONS!

      I definitely get your assessment, and I’m absolutely sure I was with the wrong man. Now I see that as clear as day. But what scares me is that I USED to believe so whole-heartedly in the idea that he was “the one,” so how could my picker have been so far off. How could I — a relatively smart, insightful woman — have been so easily deceived?

      And then I look at my current boyfriend, who is awesome and wonderful and crazy fun and crazy, and I wonder: What if he does the same thing? What if a switch just flips one day (like it did in my marriage), and I’m on that same road again? There’s the fear…

      But I’m so happy you’ve found the trust, love and support to do it again. I’m glad you found your prince — fingers crossed that I have, too!

  5. Monica says:

    This is fabulous. Thank you for the recognition. I love it and I love you, though not necessarily in that order. Will be back later to share with you my favorite mascara that I recently discovered. Off to get a Diet Coke!

  6. Krystil Confer says:

    As sick as it sounds, I completely understand your desire to be married but not believing in marriage. I think you should take a closer look at what it means to be married. For me, it’s about security. I want the security, but not the idea that I have to be married to feel secure. I’m sorry you never got to compete in Hawaii. No regrets though, right?

    • Interesting take on security, and I can definitely see your point. I think for me, I equate marriage more with commitment — that deep, forever kind of reflection that someone is with you through thick and thin, that nothing will destroy that bond, etc. I look at the act of making a commitment to someone in front of God and witnesses as an unbreakable contract of love and togetherness. And this absolutely underscores my wanting it/fearing it: Because I believe that marriage is commitment, and because my marriage ended so alarmingly through such a visual and blindsiding break, I think I’m constantly afraid of a repeat performance. Trust issues much?

      Anyhow, definitely no regrets about anything, actually — the divorce or not going to Hawaii for the stupid pageant. Regrets are useless, right?

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Krystil!

  7. Anne Schilde says:

    Haha, I never completely dedicated the Lovely Blog Award, and I’m still sitting on the Versatile and 7 x7 awards. I would feel like such a dick right now if you hadn’t extended that award to all of us! Tell me it comes with that cool trophy too!

    Love the resurrection of the squirrel! Hmm… maybe resurrection is the wrong word.

    • You kinda are a dick for sitting on those awards — but you’re in good company! And since you are a dick, and at the same time I just gave you the “You are NOT a dick” award, I think those cancel each other out. So congrats on that. Though I also think that made you lose the trophy…
      ;)

      Yeah, resurrection is an interesting word choice. Poor bastard.

      • Anne Schilde says:

        I hope you don’t mind, Mikalee. You inspired me to accept the awards (sort of) so I’m including a link to this post and to the Lady in Red post in my Versatile Blogger award.

  8. O. Leonard says:

    I’m so disappointed I didn’t get a nomination. WTF! What The Fluffy. Personally I hate receiving the myriad of awards bloggers bestow. I’m such a dick.

  9. gaycarboys says:

    Awards? What awards? LOL

  10. Melissa Lance says:

    I recently tried an amazing new mascara: Rimmel London Glam Eyes. You should add it to your collection!

  11. Stephanie says:

    Your blog is fantastic, I am thoroughly enjoying reading it! Our mutual friend clued me in to your writing (Heidi F, from grade school I believe) and I’m so glad she did. You rock. I had an opposite experience from yours in that my marriage was hell but my divorce, years ago, was relatively easy. If you have time/interest in checking out my blog I would love your feedback, I’m trying to make it as a writer. Make what, I’m not exactly sure!

    Also, I had no idea there were awards to be had in the blog-o-sphere, this is so cool!

    • Stephanie, I’ll have to give Heidi F a big ol’ hug next time I see her for referring you my way — it’s amazing that someone you met in first grade can have an impact on your life when you’re almost 40! Heidi rocks.

      And thank you for stopping by, reading and enjoying. I’m so sorry about your marriage, but I’m also so grateful you had a painless divorce! Let me guess: No children involved? Just a guess.

      Anyhow, I’ll look forward to stopping by your blog. Thanks so much for the awesome comment!

      • Stephanie says:

        Oddly enough, I don’t regret the marriage, I learned a lot from it and am, hopefully, a better person for having dealt with it. Also yes, you are right, no kids!! That makes a big difference. I passed your blog on to my sister, also a divorcee but with children, she has a crazy psycho step mom and ex situation as well.

        Heidi TOTALLY rocks! When you see her, please give her a big long hug from me. I’m wandering around S. America right now and haven’t seen her in a while.

        • Agreed: You can’t really regret the marriage, because it teaches you things you never expected to need to learn! Also, for me, I wouldn’t have my AMAZING children without the marriage…so no regrets.

          I’m glad to hear you feel the same. And trekking around South America … wow! Can I be jealous?

          Thanks again for sharing some of your story and for stopping by!

  12. Oh, how I wish I could be as outrageous as you write! Have to accept I’m a twinkle rather than a guffaw or LOL.

    Wanting to be married yet not believing in it . . . maybe not being able to visualize a healthy marriage? That’s what I think happy marriages are, at bottom (now, now) — healthy. What about a national initiative? We wiped out polio, reduced drunk driving, are on the road to diss dementia . . . why not unhealthy marriage? Think how much better off our kids would be. Where’s the celebrity to be the face of this campaign?

    You invited us to post a link to a post, so here goes, because everyone gets snubbed sometime (even by what the Brits call “the great and the good”, when, face it, they can be gnarlier than ordinary folks):

    http://patricekyger.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/the-snub-rub/

    • Well, your comments always make me LOL, so I think you need to reassess yourself. :)

      The odd part of the marriage thing for me is this: I DID have a healthy marriage. I know that sounds crazy given the end (and the bat-shit crazy aftermath), but I really have to believe it was a switch that flipped, or a tumor, or a mid-life crisis. Because it was so sudden, and so over only at the VERY end. This actually makes it harder, because I still have/remember that level of trust in the “good aspects” of marriage and relationships.

      I just don’t know how to escape the bricks.

      But yes, Hollywood does need a face for our marriage campaign. Funny thing is, every time I think of one…I remember they recently split up! Demi Moore…out. Russell Brand…not an option. Kim Kardashian? Oh well…

  13. J Roycroft says:

    Thank you so very much for the nomination – Even though I have been called a dick by a few readers. You have made my day!.

    • Well, you may be a dick to some of your readers, but you’ll always be the scary para-military no bullshit security guy to me!

      I’m glad I made your day — and your comment made mine. Always nice to know you’re appreciated, right?

  14. My favourite word is “ejaculate”, especially when reading older books in which it’s used in a totally different context. Ever heard a 31-year-old guy giggle?

    Your favourite words are awesome. “After examining his penultimate jizz of the evening, our hero pondered the art of making fantastic cookies.” How wrong is that?

    • I’d love to hear a 31-year-old guy giggle … because you just made this 38-year-old girl do the same. That sentence of yours is wrong on so many levels, and yet it has a certain creepiness to it that almost makes it work. Like we’re seeing the scene playing out from the inside of some crazy sex addict’s head. Creepy and wondrous, all at the same time.

      And just think: SO many of us have used the words “jizz” and “penultimate” together in a sentence in the last 24 hours…we deserve a NEW award for that!

  15. mimi says:

    hello, dear friend. My goal with my yet-unconceived blog is to make your 2012 list. GNO next week when a certain talented photog and my sister are in town. One more point: Did we ever determine the difference between a dick and an asshole?

    • You do realize, dear friend, that the difference between a dick and an asshole may be explored in a future blog, right? Unless you’d rather keep that one for your as-yet-unconceived blog…
      ;)

      GNO sounds great. Do we actually get to meet your sister? How fun…

  16. rmv says:

    damn, that’s a lot of soda. i have a post about the people’s choice awards, but it’s a little…different. and very short.

    http://brainsnorts.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/2012-peoples-choice-awards/

    • That was a few months ago, and I still have most of that soda. Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not drinking Diet Coke. That would just be silly.

      It just means I prefer it from a fountain. ;)

      Can’t wait to read your post!

  17. Penultimate Jizz would make a great band name. The lead singer? Gotta be none other than Brett Magic. Naturally, their first album would be called Jesus Is My Trash Man, and the concert tour is sponsored by – you guessed it – Diet Coke.

    Hey, need a manager?

    • Oh my GOD. The brilliance inherent to this idea is astounding. I must avert my eyes from its sheer beauty.

      You’re TOTALLY going to be my manager.

      And the opening act? Marilyn Manson, of course.

      • salmart2 says:

        I’m seeing all the jizz now. Marilyn is a terrible flop and the crowd boo hysterically and throw cans of diet coke at her. He/she weeps & wails as all he/she ever wanted, was to be famous & liked, heck even just accepted . But then, magically, Brilliant Brett woos the crowd in the penultimate act. The main act follows as the Maginificent Majestic Mikalee struts her stuff and in a frenzic finale Brett sweeps her up in his arms and they live happily ever after…….

  18. myfairladyb says:

    Well, why thank you! I feel honored :) And you’re not a dick. As for bloggers I enjoy reading there are quite a few, and they’re all linked to on my blog, though I think I have a few more to add since I gained quite a few more subscribers.

    Blogging is reciprocal. If you make the time to read my blog, I make the time to read yours, plain and simple :)

  19. groovyrick says:

    Nobody told me there were awards to be had, especially for being a dick. Are there different categories? Biggest dick? Most arrogant dick? Dick who travelled the farthest? Do you have to fill out some kind of entry form? It’s cool when people I know read my stuff and comment (though I don’t get NEAR the traffic you do, or the love for that matter) it always fascinates me when someone stumbles across my blog and becomes a regular. So I’m certainly not above shameless promotion…it’s just the kind of dick I am. You want philosophical? Read http://groovyrick.wordpress.com/2010/12/19/what-can-a-1964-impala-teach-you-about-life/. Want humorous anecdote? Read http://groovyrick.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/the-night-my-friend-scott-peed-in-his-car/. Yes, there’s something for everyone…and since my given name is Richard, it’s a guarantee you’ll read something written by a Dick. Ha! I kill myself!

    • Well then, Dick — I mean, Rick…you’re well deserving of your “I Am NOT a Dick” award, except in the literal sense I s’pose. So if there were categories, which would you lobby for? Just curious…

      I’ve always loved your story about Scott (the guy who peed in his car). Good stuff. Can’t wait to read more from you, my philosophical/humorous/non-dickish blogger friend named Dick.

      • groovyrick says:

        I guess when it comes to dick-ish awards, I would go for the Dick Van Dyke Award. Every time I come home, I trip over that damn ottoman. I don’t know why…I mean, I KNOW it’s there.

  20. Thanks again, Mikalee. I look forward to checking out the other honorees. In the meantime, have you tried L’oreal Volumnous Carbon Black. It was recommended by our local weather lady and it really works!

    • You guys are KILLING me. Don’t you see: I have a PROBLEM. And you’re giving me all these great options.

      It’s like asking an alcoholic if she’s been to the martini happy hour at the local bar. Or asking a sex addict if she’s seen the newest viral porn video to hit the Internet.

      (You know what? I just decided that “viral” and “porn” should not be used together in a sentence. But I digress…)

      Anyhow, I’m off to buy this one, too. You guys suck.

      But I still love you.
      ;)

  21. Harold says:

    My goal of using penultimate and jizz in a sentence back to back like penultimate jizz was beaten by other readers. But I just used them twice in one sentence so there!

    You might not get Pressed but you are always on our lists of must reads! Your writing style leaves us all penultimately jizzed. If that’s possible? I think it is cuz I just said so!

  22. There are so many reasons I love this post… of course I am terribly honored that you nominated me for something. BUT, then I paused and thought about this and it occurred to me that in being nominated I was simultaneously taken out of the running of being like you… which you must (by now) know that I would love to be. Have you not read my snarky posts? Have you not read the very bitchy things I say? What?? What have I done to not be a full Dick? Tell me; so I can fix that!

    That said… Getting acknowledgment from you is kick ass and I love your post for that. I love that I have links to all those great posts that I’ve been TRYING to catch up on, amidst the chaos and debris of my Shit storm of a life right now. I am so grateful for all the LOL moments, even if I hate “LOL.” I love that you are so beautifully zany and flawed (umm, the mascara, scary darlin’, scary.) and that you share it with us. I swear, one of these days it will be reason enough to fly to Reno… to accept my award! Big, teary, gushing over God and everyone I should thank, hug.

    • You wanna know the only reason you can’t be in my category? Because you ACTUALLY gave us an eloquent and beautiful acceptance speech. And you still managed to throw a “dick” and a “bitchy” and a “shit” in there … so you just totally trumped me!

      You are absolutely snarky and hysterically funny, but you always manage to do it while sounding like the classiest, sweetest, most wonderful person ever. I love that about you.

      I think I might just sound like I live in a trailer. But whatever.

      So keep doing what you’re doing, because you rock at it (and that publisher will see it — and if not, he/she is a numb nuts).

      Take care, and the shit storm is bound to die down…sooner than later!

  23. Larry Dunn says:

    You make me want to blog (if I only knew how). So many thoughts, so little time. You want to be married but don’t believe in marriage? Take it from a guy who was ‘born married’, not in a bad way, you should want to be married to the right person (politically correct). I can go on for a long time on the ‘secrets’ of a good marriage, which I have been asked to do on occasion, but the single golden thread seems to be respect preceeds love and marriage. The ‘Dick Award’ belongs to the ex who violated the sanctity of marriage. No one can inflict pain (physical, mental, emotional) on someone they truely respect. It is not how long you have been married but how long happily married (44 years this March). Marriage is not a bad thing. A bad spouse is a bad thing.

    As always, thanks for the fun, thought provoking read. Larry

    • Wow…first, thank you for the thought-provoking comment! I have a feeling you and I could get in a long, philosophical discussion about this very topic at some point in the not-too-distant future…
      ;)

      I’m fascinated by the idea that respect precedes love and marriage. I can absolutely see that as the theoretical underpinning of a strong and committed relationship, because without that foundational building block, the “structure” is already weakened and can collapse at any given moment…just with the simple removal of one little brick. Hey, did you see what I did there? I found a way to put the “brick” in there! Too funny…

      Anyhow, I guess the question remains: Of course I thought my ex respected me. Of course I think my boyfriend respects me. I wouldn’t have given either of them the time of day if I didn’t. So how do you know when there’s a ticking time bomb? How do you know if the alleged (or suspected) “tumor” in the brain of the person you’re with will ultimately undermine their personality, their words, their symbolic gestures?

      Or is that just a matter of trust?

  24. That’s a serious acceptance blog. The music came up, you gave them a death glare, and they just quieted right down!

  25. mj monaghan says:

    Hi, I’m a first time commenter, and long-time stalk.., um, reader, of your blog.

    Could you please check out my blog sometime??
    mjmonaghan.wordpress.com

    Though, I’m not funny, or sarcastic *drip, drip*, maybe there is something you could “like” on my blog? Just maybe.

    Okay, enough nonsense:
    Bite the bullet, let Brett make an honest (or seemingly honest) woman out of you. It’s time, woman!

    As usual, your post lights the darkness like the high-beams on yonder deer. Must post more often, my friend and neighbor!!

    xoxo
    mm

    • “First-time commenter” my lily-white ass. You’re just trying to get the sympathy vote.

      (I hope it works!)

      And I hope readers who visit your blog appreciate it and you as much as I do. You totally rock.

      Yeah, and thanks for the words of encouragement. If we can figure out how to infuse me with as much trust as I have tubes of mascara, we’ll be good to go. Too bad that stuff doesn’t go on sale at CVS more often…

  26. Tori Nelson says:

    Best title, Diet Coke pyramid, AND a bunch of awards? This post can’t contain it’s kick-ass-ness :)

  27. Harper Faulkner says:

    Can you tell us once again how to pronounce your name? My wife keep trying to tell her lawyer over the phone and I think she’s saying it wrong. Oh, yeah, thanks for the big dick award. I won’t lie and say it’s not deserved. I can be a big dick sometimes–like now!

    I guess I should sincerely thank you for the sweet blog mention. It’s so out of character for you to be sweet so I know how tough it was to write. There I going winning that award again.

    In all seriousness, your blog is easily in my top 100 of favorite blogs. You were 101, but you moved up when our local weatherman stopped blogging. His barometric pressure stories were spellbinding.

    That’s all for now. Looking forward to more funny hat stories in 2012 and keeping up with the antics of Brett, the boy wonder.

    Not totally sincerely yours,

    HF

    • Actually, my friend, you may want to look again: As usual, you are a guy who his overestimating his — ahem — gifts, as I gave you the “You are NOT a Dick” award. Not as you incorrectly called it, the “Big Dick Award.” I do believe there is a difference.

      I’m honored to be among your top 100, and I’m grateful that the meteorologist is out of the competition. Man, he was unpredictable! (I slay myself…get it…unpredictable?)

      Those were some very sincerely insincere wishes you sent. Next time, I won’t be so sweet. Feel warned…
      ;)

      • Harper Faulkner says:

        I love the “Unpredictable.” Thanks for once again making my morning and for all the new followers. All kinds of folks are stopping by my blog because of your mention. Talk about the pressure! Now I have to perform well every time! Have a great writing day you snarky–but sweet–lady!

  28. Damn, double damn! Now I’ve just spent my morning stuck in the vortex of your links… like porn that sends pop ups (except, of course, so much better! wink wink), I got reading your 7×7, which led to NYTimes article’s (audaciously ick, btw) link and then the follow-ups to Is She Hot (NOT at all)… and on. You are in fact a Dick Mikalee. You kept me up late and now my morning is toast. Bet this was all intended to distract me from writing my own post, so you could just be the Queen Dick forever… oh the lengths you go to. And how I love them.

    • You know it’s a good day when you’re compared to porn. Only better.

      I am SO glad you’re enjoying more of the backstory, though I’m sorry for the time suck. But I love you, because my numbers are through the roof today — I have a feeling it’s just you, poking around my 40ish older posts! Hehehe…

      However, I’m glad you’re reading much of the backstory, as I reference many of these things so often. As one of my favorite readers, it’s important you have the secret decoder ring.

      And by the way, as for the sleeping thing, I have one word of advice: Ambien. It’s like sleep magic in a tiny little pill. And sadly, it’s the ONLY way I sleep these days. :(

      XOXO,

      Queen Dick
      Her Royal Highness, Most Noble Empress and Grand Ruler of All the Dicks She Surveys

  29. Blockader says:

    When I first started blogging I titled my blog “210 Thoughts”. Since you mentioned that number in your post above I am claiming it as an official shout-out. Woo hoo!

    http://blockader.wordpress.com/

  30. rutheh says:

    Saw this in an email from Eater.com and thought of you.
    Not sure how you’ll feel about these.
    http://eater.com/archives/2012/01/12/diet-coke-releases-new-floral-cans-just-for-the-ladies.php

  31. I’m a bit embarassed.

    I’ve been enjoying your blog for ages and even mentioned in as one everyone should read in my latest post.

    And yet…..this is the first time I’ve left a comment.

    Can you believe it?

    Anyway….here’s to a great 2012 and keep doing what you do!

    • Well, you should be embarrassed, Stalker….

      Nah, I tease…no need for embarrassment. I’m just glad you finally ‘fessed up!

      I look forward to stopping by your blog — especially to make sure you’re not talking smack about me. Fingers crossed.

      Again, thank you for the comment. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I expect more. LOTS more. ;)

  32. Oh, and thanks for the links – more awesome blogs to read – just what I need ;-)

    • Haha! I’m sure you all have nothin’ but time on your hands, right?

      I know, I suck. I hate that I’m constantly finding new blogs to stalk too. When is a girl supposed to do her real work, anyhow?

      Best of luck in getting your real work done, too!

  33. The Hook says:

    I’d rather watch your awards show than any other! Well done!

  34. I can’t beleive you just did four awards in one blog — that would’ve taken me a month! I’m in stitches tho, so I applaud the effort. Plus the product ain’t half bad either ;-)
    I really wish that I’d have read the entire post before I accomplished your original list of requirements for accepting the “Mikalee is a dick but you are not award”… As I’d already accomplished most of it…
    I addressed all of the top 554,449,210 dick’ish things I’d done in life, listed the top 10 dick-less moments as well, (though i was still working on the alphabetics) I even had 42 of the 55 categories in place — and a bajillion nominees in mind! I only came back here to finish the read when I had trouble with that last tricky one, and when I read that the rules had changed I had to go back and delete it all!
    You really are a Dick Mikalee… :-)
    (also, number 6 of the pee-award made me smile so wide I nearly split my lip — likely I need chap-stick tho. Thanks for the nod. And I love “Penultimate”, always have. “Assuage” is another, and “Heliographed” as well, though there’s not commonly much use for it.)

    • OK, so you’ve come up with the bajillion nominees — seriously, you’re only ONE short? Quitter…

      See: I really AM a dick. I’m glad you agree.

      “Assuage” absolutely ROCKS as a word. Seriously. I’ve never used “heliographed,” but now I’m interested and must find a way to use it in a sentence. Perhaps in a sentence with a mention of Brett’s scrotum and my kitchen island. Just sayin’.

      Thanks for reading, enjoying and over-achieving with the Non-Dick award. I knew someone would take me up on it — just sorry you deleted it before it saw the light of day. Maybe next time.

  35. iamscotia says:

    This is hilarious.

  36. meladjusted says:

    Is there a badge thingie that I can put next to my writings for this award? MJ would have to do a post on how to do that in his Entertaining Educational way of teaching bloggers things but if there is one perhaps it could be illustrated with ‘jizz’ on a squirrel with the sun rising out of a brick? Perhaps one day, before your penultimate post which I hope will only be in the very, very distant future.

    I enjoy reading your blog and imagine that underneath the same moon on the same planet, we would be drinking too much wine and diet coke together (over here – if you mix these two libations they’re called, very exotically, a Catemba) while we laughed until we cried. Since we’re nowhere near neighbours that would have to suffice.

    I hope you get that blogging job that pays in mascara – it’s an expensive habit!

    • You know, I’m totally getting you guys a badge. What a great idea … perhaps the penis tiara from this post could serve as inspiration? Just thinking out loud here…

      I’m SO glad you enjoyed the post — and we’d totally share a few Catembas. Maybe even more than a few.

      And by the way, I LOVE that there’s a name for a mixture of wine and Diet Coke. That word may just trump my affinity for “penultimate” and “jizz.”

  37. Tammy says:

    I have little doubt that if you’ve given it the nod, it’s a worthy read. On my way to check some of these out now.

  38. Dana says:

    I actually found you from that Carol Anne Riddell article, The write up in the times pissed me off to no end and I was searching around google about them, and came to your blog. So glad I did!!

  39. Pingback: A Dick, a Tid Bit and FYI…Life in Blog Land. « Tales from the Motherland

  40. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger | Anne Schilde

  41. i mayfly says:

    Golly wally jeepers, Queen Dick, I’m exhausted just reading through all the comments + your post. How the fuck do you ever find time to write? Don’t get me wrong, I think it is marvelous. But now I’m perplexed over whether I am worthy of making a comment in this illustrious, clever, di-dicked awarded covey of yours! Balls to the wall, here she comes.

    On marriage: At the tender age of 18 I had the good luck to end up flat on my ass in a hospital bed for 2 months, and I do mean flat-assed. Chest tubes & bedpans, no restroom or bathing privileges. You do a lot of thinking in a quiet, dark hospital room with only your discomfort to keep you company. And I thought about myself, a lot (I was 18 after all) and how miserable I was and about my failed relationships. The most recent a rebounder to get over the control-freak that left me at the alter – not exactly, but that’s how it felt at 18. Anyway, the point is I realized that I had to take responsibility for making crappy choices in the men (boys really) that I chose to love. They were flawed individuals with or without me. Besides the sexual attraction, there just wasn’t anything of substance to them. I resolved, in that stupid hospital room, that the next guy I hooked my wagon to was going to be a “nice guy” first and foremost. (And this from an 18 yr. old!)

    I started this by saying I was lucky and that or divine intervention put me and my future husband back in touch with each other. I had known him since I was 13 and he was a nice guy back then (the big brother type, one you could trust to hold your hair out of the way while you puked your guts out and to get you home safely without feeling you up or ratting you out…not at 13, people. I wasn’t that big a slut!) . Well, I digress. Bottom Line: 38 years and counting we are still in love with each other and fighting the good fight together. I agree with Larry about respect, but respect for people in general and not just the one you are sexually attracted to at that moment in time. Of course, I’m an old fart now and heaven knows I don’t shit from Shinola. Never mind. You seem to have a handle on the love and living thing without my unsound advice.

    And thanks for all the noteworthy blogs to followup on – there goes the rest of my bleeping week!

  42. mj monaghan says:

    Hello, Ms. Byerman, I wanted to let you know that I may have mentioned you blog on my latest blog post – Top 10!

    http://mjmonaghan.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/blog-quotes-top-10/

  43. Fun post! I love the award! heehee!

  44. Sure hope that isn’t your area ablaze in Reno this time around, my blogging friend! Time for a little moisture there maybe?

  45. just too hilarious – great award!

  46. http://itsmeandthemoon.wordpress.com says:

    This post made me giggle. Thank you for that! :)

  47. Sharp says:

    great post :’) very amusing

  48. Wow you weren’t joking about the length of the post. I think my scrolling finger started cramping. But having said that looking forward to reading the blogs you’ve suggested.

  49. Divorce is the mother of re-invention…gang!

  50. Rob Rubin says:

    Holy crap, I think my fingers would have fallen off if I typed that much. After my first Versatile nomination, I made it a policy to just add on anyone else that nominated me to that first one.

    Saves me time and pain meds.

  51. Micky says:

    My favorite moment today was reading the Thrash Man Jesus post, especially the parts that showed how much you love your children. That really made me feel all warm and “awwwwshoCUTE”-ish inside.
    <3 So I get an AWARD? AWESOME. I would like a "Mikalee Loves Diet Coke, And You Can Too!" award.

    nice catching up on your blog again, keep writing, love you

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