Making a List. Checking it Twice. Gonna Find Out Whom I’d Like to Poison with Cyanide-Laced Egg Nog…

(That is the original title of the song, after all. Trust me. Before it was cleaned up and made all PC, that is.)

So as long as I’m on a holiday-themed rant…

Not that my previous post was necessarily a rant. But it did highlight some of the less-than-savory products that come out of the woodwork during the holiday season – from a leg-spreading Dora to deflated inflatables to a modern classic called “Extraordinary Chickens.”

Tastes like (extraordinary) chicken.

But there’s a whole other side of the holiday that inspires hostility in me. These are the annoying people who make me want to impale myself on an icicle or throw myself down a chimney. Whichever is more accessible.

And I realize, this is sensitive territory. It’s the oh-so-jolly, ho-ho holly Christmas season after all, with all its bullshit holiday yuletide cheeriness and what not.

Not that I’m bitter.

So I promise, the next post – an uncharacteristically feel-good holiday tale with a happy, inspirational message (and nary a “fuck,” “crap” or “holy shitballs” in sight) – will more than make up for my seemingly Scrooge-like stance in this postito.

Now, without further ado…

______________________________________________________

My Holiday Top-5 List of People I Want to Strangle with the Nearest String of Sparkling Holiday Lights:

1. Madonna and her illegitimate Santa Baby.

Every time I hear this song, I feel like beating an innocent neighbor-child’s snowman upside his stove-top-hatted head with a giant candy cane.

And the reason may go beyond the sheer annoyance of hearing Madonna breathily seduce her stupid-as-fuck “Santa Claus.”

I was on the dance team in high school. And we did a routine to this song. I wish I had proof of the routine – like a YouTube-quality video to post – but alas, these were the pre-phone-video-ability days. Or the Stone Age, as my children call it.

So instead, I simply offer proof that I was, indeed, on the dance team in high school. In all my awkward glory.

Where do we even begin, people? The bangs — the jazz hands — the braces — the sequins. So many punch lines...TOO MANY PUNCH LINES!

Yeah, that stupid Madonna song takes me right back to that stupid routine. And do you even realize how many stupid times I had to do the stupid splits (in a ripple — while holding a candy cane between my teeth) at the”Boo doo bee doo” part of these brilliant (and double-entendre-laden) lyrics:

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Now do you see why I hate this stupid song? Yeah? Good.

2. Actually, let’s expand #1 to include anyone whose name is NOT Bing, Nat, Frank, Perry, Karen, Johnny, Ella, Jose, Peggy or Andy and sings holiday songs. 

Christmas music seems to inspire many-a-rant this season, but I’m thoroughly convinced that we’d have less to bitch about if we just stuck with the classics.

White Christmas by Bing Crosby? A-ok. White Christmas by Justin Bieber? Kill me now.

Now granted, I was a wee youngin in the early ’80s, when Elmo and Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” was the staple novelty song playing practically non-stop on every station (interrupted only by the dogs barking Jingle Bells and Alvin and the Chipmunks begging Christmas not to be late). So I may be more bitter than most.

But if none of us ever has to hear Bruce Springsteen killing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” or George Michael whining about “Last Christmas” or Mariah Carey pleading “All I Want for Christmas is You,” wouldn’t this be a happier world? Wouldn’t the 24/7 Christmas Carol stations be a tad more tolerable?

In the words of the inimitable Jose Feliciano: ¡Pienso que si! (I’m sure he said that somewhere in “Feliz Navidad,” right? Or perhaps I made that up. Because I wanted to show off my upside-down exclamation point and evident mastery of basic Spanish vocab. ¿Muy impresivo, si?)

3. Anyone who has anything to do with a Zales/Helzberg/Kay Jewelers/Rogers ad (including anyone falling for them).

As they say, diamonds are for whatever.

So really, this holiday season, it shouldn’t surprise us that we’re constantly abused by these crazy-making messages.

Here’s the premise of any of this ilk of holiday treat: If you have a penis, and if you are in a relationship, then you must buy your significant other a diamond. Or better yet: many diamonds. Or best-case scenario: A diamond to represent every second of every minute of every hour of every year of your relationship.

Or else.

Or else what, you ask?

  1. …you’ll break up.
  2. …you’ll prove that there’s not enough love in your cold, black, dead heart for your significant other.
  3. …you’ll justify your significant other’s use of the words “classless douchebag and his classless ass” within one or two (or 84) Facebook status updates.
  4. Or — and here’s the worst of the worst: …you’re not getting laid this Christmas. Here’s 17 seconds worth of proof:

The clear implication: Someone got a pearl necklace this Christmas!

Just sayin’…

4. Anyone who has a “place” to wrap presents and/or an “organized” gift wrap “station.”

You people suck.

‘Nuff said.

5. The people who told my children that Santa isn’t real. Last year. When my daughter was 8.

Yeah, so it appears my kids spend lots o’ time –oh, let’s say, half their time — with certain people whose names are clearly on the naughty list. And these certain (naughty) people told my (wide-eyed, believing) kids last year that Santa is fake. And for “proof,” they should simply check the writing on the gift tags against my own.

You certain (naughty) people suck.

‘Nuff said.

______________________________________________________

OK. Bring it, world’s awesomest readers:

  1. Go ahead, you’re dying, I know: Your reaction to my awkwardly banged, braced and jazzed-out dance team photo?
  2. Most annoying holiday song by a modern artist?
  3. Thoughts on jewelry guilt trips?
  4. Are you brave enough to admit that you have a gift wrap station? Or have you ever dealt with naughty people killing Santa in your child’s innocent eyes?

And like I said: Be prepared for the happiest and heart-warmingest of Christmas posts. I’ve got one that’s sure to melt your heart (if your heart isn’t cold, black and lifeless like mine, that is…).

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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73 Responses to Making a List. Checking it Twice. Gonna Find Out Whom I’d Like to Poison with Cyanide-Laced Egg Nog…

  1. Pingback: FJ 11 – I commit to myself « No diet forever lifestyle

  2. Robin says:

    You are hilarious, I laugh frequently from your posts and pass them on to others, but mostly what I take away is that co-parenting SUCKS!!! I am afraid I would have been driven to assault by now!

    • Definitely: Co-parenting sucks when the other co-parents are more interested in their own agendas. But I can’t say that I regret anything about any of this, because my children are amazing and I’m simply blessed to have them in my life!

      Thanks for commiserating — and sharing my posts. I’m so glad you find them entertaining, Robin… :)

  3. scott says:

    The wild-ass bangs instantly let me know we grew up about the same time and your admission to growing up in the 80’s listening to Grandma getting side-swiped by the fast man confirms it. Great times! I share your passion for the classic Christmas music. I almost heaved the wife’s copy of Mariah Carey out the window after the third time through it this past weekend. Decided, however, to wait until after Christmas to insure she doesn’t take it the wrong way and return some of my gifts out of spite.
    Keep them posts coming. I look forward to what tomorrow might bring.

    • Yes, Scott — we hail from a time of mile-high hair, parachute pants and pegged legs. Oh, the memories…

      And you’re a brave man: I think the idea of my other half even owning a copy of a Mariah Carey CD would be a deal-breaker if I were considering marriage again! Good decision to chuck it after Christmas, though — way to protect your interests! I just hope you maintain your sanity until then.

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

  4. Leah says:

    1. Endearingly (and yet extremely) awkward! :)
    2. You nailed it with Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Clause is coming to town.” I HATE THAT SONG SO MUCH!
    3. Jewelry guilt trips are a product of Marilyns and all those like her. Sorry, that was just my first thought…
    4. I don’t and have never had a gift wrapping station, but I volunteered at one in the mall back in high school for charity, and I have to admit it was mega-fun!

    It’s funny that you mention Justin Bieber and the murder of Santa in the same post, as I seriously just read this article yesterday: http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/justin-bieber-i-believed-santa-claus-mom-didn-t-article-1.994057

    Like Justin, I was never led to believe in Santa, but I most certainly DID NOT ruin it for other kids! That just ain’t right…

    Merry Christmas! In all of its annoying glory…. :)

    • You are SO right. Pretty much about all of the above, Leah. As usual!

      I’m just glad there are others in this world annoyed by Bruce, Marilyns and people who mercilessly murder Santa to innocent children.

      Merry Christmas to you as well!

  5. jcabsep says:

    Loving your posts… comforting to see others with the same sense of humor as me. Oh, don’t let your daughter read my post- I don’t want to be responsible for putting the mental image in her head: http://johnsep.wordpress.com/2011/11/13/dec-19-2006-the-physics-of-christmas/

    • Hysterical! And you’re right, even though the hand has been tipped to my kids (without my consultation), I WILL NOT be allowing them to peruse your blog. ;)

      But others? Others should definitely go for an intriguing physics analysis of Santa and the task he faces this Christmas Eve!

  6. Sarah H says:

    In 4th grade, at the age of 9, my teacher(TEACHER!!) told the whole class that Santa was not real and that SHE was her daughter’s Santa. I was DEVASTATED! My mom ended up calling the principal of the school and complaining. Still to this day cry about it….(not really with the crying, but it still sucks that it had to happen like that).

    I do have to say, that picture is fantastic in allll of it’s 80’s glory.

    Christmas music. blech. Unless it’s Christmas Eve/Day, I just don’t want any part of it.

    • Your TEACHER?!?! Wow. That’s absolutely horrible. My guess is she didn’t stay in the profession very long — I would imagine the idea of enjoying killing children’s innocence isn’t a strong predictor of future 4th grade teaching success.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, Sarah — and sorry about the Santa issues. Perhaps that’s one reason why you don’t like Christmas music?

  7. I don’t know how to say this exactly, but what are you thinking by giving your significant other a book of chicken porn?

    Killing Santa inadvertently happens when the “whatever toy” doesn’t work and Mom takes it, along with the receipt, to a big box store for an exchange instead of calling Santa. Something doesn’t quite seem right about that and a suspicion starts to grow.

    Only a couple of throw-a-way “fucks”, almost under the radar.

    Right on about diamonds.

    • It would indeed be a nice way to “spice things up.” That’s what I’m thinking about the chicken porn…
      ;)

      Good point about the exchanges. I guess I can understand that children sometimes have their doubts: My issue is being a mother and not being consulted about when those doubts are 100 percent confirmed. Ugh.

      In fact, that probably deserved a few more “fucks,” now that you mention it!

  8. twindaddy says:

    I’m with you on the jewelry commercials. If the only way to prove your love to your woman is by buying her jewelry then you need to find a new woman. I’m not opposed to buying my wife jewelry, but the implication that my love will only be proven by doing so is insulting.

    Fuck all of those jewelry stores.

  9. John says:

    I’m in total agreement with #1, and I agree with the spirit of #2. But…

    What about some of the classic 50s and 60s Christmas songs, like Darlene Love’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”, the Ronettes “Frosty the Snowman”, or (and I realize I’m treading on thin ice) the Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick”?

    And… and… what about Vince Guaraldi? I’d be sad if Vince Guaraldi was excluded.

    • Thin ice indeed with the Beach Boys. I can’t buy that one. The others are permissible, but not preferred.

      Except Vince Guaraldi. We all dance around like the Peanuts characters when those little diddies come on our Pandora station…good addition to the list!

  10. groovyrick says:

    Awww, the dance team photo made me smile with its youth and innocence. A picture of me at that age would have had a pack of Kools and a can of PBR in it…I have the proof if you want to see it. I’m sure your parents were very proud. Hands down, the most annoying holiday tune by a (semi) current artist is “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney. It’s just so sickenlingly sweet it is making my queezy just thinking about it. You really need to lean more toward the classic soul/R&B artists for great Christmas tunes…check out “Merry Christmas Baby” by Otis Redding and try to tell me it didn’t kick your holiday ass. I’ve done the jewelry thing at Christmas and got about the same reaction as I get from my mom when I give her just about anything…”Ohhhhhh, that’s nice…boy I need one of these!” I just visited a gift-wrap station at the mall yesterday because a friend of mine was working there, but I just made a donation (it was a charity thing). If I give anyone in my family a gift that’s nicely wrapped, they’ll doubt that it really came from me.

    • A pic of you with Kools and a PBR would kick my jazz hands picture’s ass! Love it — doesn’t get much more character revealing than that, right?

      And Oh MY GOD I can’t believe I forgot that Paul McCartney song. Or that one by Live Aid, “Do They Know it’s Christmastime.”

      Stink. Stank. Stunk.

  11. rJ says:

    Why did you give Jarod a pass?

  12. s.brakken says:

    i am dying at the photo. i was in jazz dance as well, and i had pretty spectacular bangs, but i was always lacking white gloves. the picture brings me back to “five -six-seven-eight-step-ball-change”.

  13. kitchenmudge says:

    With you on the diamonds, of course. As the saying goes: “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like something clawed from the earth by African slave labor with its price inflated by the world’s tightest monopoly.” The wedding industry depends heavily on selling “traditions” like the diamond ring, heavily promoted by Hollywood, like cigarettes, in the early 20th century. It’s called “product placement”. Look it up.

    Could we add to the list the people who have more Christmas crap that they display for a couple of weeks out of the year than my total volume of possessions?

    • Love it, kitchenmudge. So true. Plus there’s that bullshit statistic about the fact that a man should spend two to three times his monthly salary on an engagement ring?!?! Way to set up a marriage to be about true love and all that…

      I know people like that, too — more Christmas stuff than I own stuff-stuff. My question is always: Where the hell does that stuff go when it’s not Christmas?

  14. Harold says:

    Diamonds are over rated!
    I like your picture, shows future beauty that has arrived.
    I don’t remember when Santa stopped being real, I adjusted well.
    We just didn’t make a big deal with him with our kids and taught the real meaning of Christmas. That way hearts and minds aren’t crushed and there is an eternal belief.
    I agree, Bruce was over the top. But I like Mariah’s version (of course she was singing to me!). I like the oldies too and sing along with Bing and others, cuz I can.

    • *Gasp!* You LIKE Mariah’s version?!?! I may have to excommunicate you from my readership for that one. (Not really…)

      My kids are definitely aware of the real meaning of Christmas, but I’ve never been adverse to the idea of a pinch of magic as well. I know this seems out of character considering my jaded/bitter edge, but not when it comes to my kids!

  15. Anne Schilde says:

    1) Oh come on, the only one who really sees all that stuff is you… I just thought you made your costume look cute. :)

    2) The most annoying (and equally catchy) Christmas song is Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. It’s basically your Double Dutch version of a Christmas carol, and yeah I’m starting to sing along with it now. Double entendre: ♫♪ Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed. ♫♪ Huh?

    3) A jewelry guilt trip is when you realize your bf/hubby couldn’t really afford that diamond necklace he bought you, so you guiltily return it for credit. It’s an imaginary event, like pulling an even number of socks out of the dryer, or men being right.

    4) No gift-wrapping station, but I can admit whatever you want. No kids either (okay maybe there are some things I wouldn’t admit), but I can sure remember at age 6, sitting on Santa’s lap at a Christmas party, and hearing a girl’s voice ask, “Ho, ho ho. And would would you like for Christmas little girl?” Fucking. Traumatized. If you’ve seen Up, that line, “Kevin’s a girl?” just kills me now.

    • Thanks, Anne! It took every bit of courage to post that pic, but the sheer awkwardness of it seemed ideal for revealing something about my character. Plus, I think we can ALL relate based on some blackmail-worthy image from our childhoods!

      That Waitresses song. UGH. Totally forgot it. Wishful thinking, I guess.

      You had me DYING at the image of the She-Santa. I can’t even imagine the trauma and future therapy issues there. And by the way, “Kevin’s a girl” is one of the absolute best parts of that entire movie…

  16. mj monaghan says:

    Mikalee, OH MY!!! This is not my official comment. I’m coming back for that. I’m LMHO about the title and haven’t even read your post. My puppy is looking at me wondering why I’m laughing when no one is in the room except him. More to follow!!! :)

  17. mj monaghan says:

    Okay, now. Here’s my official comment:
    1) LOVE the jazz hands – so subtle, and the braces just make it even more “precious”
    2) Love that you’re a Christmas music purist! Me too. And if you’ve seen the Mariah Carey Jenny Craig commercials, you’ll be even sicker! Check out this link: http://ideas.time.com/2011/12/16/mariah-carey-fatigue-why-is-there-no-new-christmas-music/
    3) Please tell my wife about the jewelry guilt trip!! No, she’s not too bad. I did hear on the radio that men spend 50% more on gifts for women than vice versa – interesting!

    You are TOO funny Mikalee – rest with the peace and knowledge, and cheer, that you will always be the first blog, and funniest blog I’ve read!! :)

    “Ho, ho, ho!!” – Don’t take that the wrong way :).

    • Great link — interesting story, but I think the writer is missing the point: We don’t WANT new Christmas music. Because new Christmas music is annoying. Or am I alone here?

      I mean, when that stupid Christmas Shoes song comes on the radio (which the writer called “execrable,” which just made my list of favorite words EVER) I almost keel over from sheer sugar saturation. And it seems that’s the only way a song-writer can approach a Christmas song…well, that and slut (Madonna, Mariah, etc.)

      And of course men spend more than women on holiday shopping: How else would we know they love us?
      ;)

      Thanks for reading me first, MJ. That brings me much peace and cheer! Merry Christmas and an innocent ho ho ho to you, too…

  18. Krystil says:

    As one of your dance team members – the Santa Baby routine was fun, although I would have to hurt you if you did happen to have a You Tube video to post. ;) Thanks for the memories and the laugh! I truly needed it.

  19. Terri says:

    #2: You are so very right about Mariah Carey.
    #3: The perfume/cologne commercials are way worse IMO. I don’t want to be groped by a random stranger just because I smell good, much less chased through a train station!

  20. What about Michael Buble? I feel that out of everyone these days, he is the ONLY one who should be allowed to sing Christmas songs :)

    • Agreed: Because he does it in a “classic” style. I mean, the guy practically channels Frank Sinatra, right? But I did just hear from a friend that he did a creepy version of Santa Baby. I’ll have to check that out.

      The other modern artist who can handle the classics: Harry Connick, Jr. Love love LOVE him. Just not as an actor…

  21. I can’t believe that people named Elvis did not make your list of acceptable Christmas song singers. ELVIS!! And for that matter (though to a slightly lesser degree), Burl.

    But I really almost lost it when you dissed The Boss. First grits, now BRUCE FREAKIN’ SPRINGSTEEN. Is nothing sacred, Mikalee?!

    • I’ll give ya Burl, but if I included people with the first name of Elvis in my list, that would have to include Elvis Costello. And I don’t want him belting out Oh Holy Night.

      And regarding whether “nothing is sacred”: ask your friend, Mr. THE BOSS, that same question. The guy ruined one of my favorite childhood classics with his stupid calling out to the reindeer with his stupid gravelly voice.

      Just sayin’.

  22. It seems like, for most musicians, recording a holiday album is a quick way to make bucco bucks. So every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to get into the act. But give me Frank, Andy, Ella and Tony any day. How about the Andrew Sisters. Have you heard their album. It was used in the film, Christmas Story and features Bing and Danny Kaye. One of my favorites.

    • Definitely: Andrews Sisters makes the cut.

      And I agree about the cashing-in aspect of the Christmas songs — it’s just like wedding songs. I’ve always thought that if I were a professional singer (which I guarantee will never happen), I would record a father-daughter dance song. There aren’t that many that are TARGETED to that audience, yet about 60 percent of the world’s population gets married. So what if 50 percent of us also get divorced — by then, you’ve already cashed your royalty check!

  23. Shawn Griffin says:

    1. Didn’t I see you in “16 Candles”? Or was that “Better off Dead”?
    :)

    2. All of them, totally love the classics. I’m not too fond of Grandma getting run over by a reindeer either though.

    3. MB, you are soooooo right about the jewelry. If I ever met “Jared”, he’d get a serious ass-kicking.

    Don’t get me started on the fucking Lexus guy.

    I have to buy my wife diamonds AND a fucking luxury sedan for her to love me? WTF?

    Merry F$€}£ing Christmas … See you at the mistletoe.

    • None of the above: I played the part of pathetic braces-wearing dance team extra in Pretty in Pink, though… ;)

      Good luck with the diamonds and the Lexus this year. Your new highfalutin job should help though, right? So if you really love her, you’ll prove it.

      …and I thought we were meeting at the Festivus pole?

  24. Dana says:

    That Mariah Carey Xmas song is the worst thing ever, tied only with the Springstein song. Was just saying that to someone today.

    And certain people are not only home wreckers, but Scrooge too! I can’t believe anyone would go out of their way to ruin a child’s Christmas-deplorable.

    • …only worse than each individually would be if Mariah and Bruce teamed up to assault our ears this Christmas. Actually, given my relationship with The Universe these days, I shouldn’t even SUGGEST that…

      And yes: Scrooge indeed. It was awful. :(

  25. Connie T says:

    First of all you looked great in your dance outfit. I hate the song Feliz Navidad what does that even mean? It means happy christmas, so he spends 3 minutes saying happy Christmas and Merry Christmas. Second, the whole diamond thing is a joke. You spend a fortune on a diamond and then you try to sell it and all you get is $100 because they tell you it is not worth nothing, just the gold band is all that is worth anything. If you want a diamond, go to a pawn shop because they pay nothing for them. You can bargain with them.

    • Oh, Connie — that picture is horrible. But so much fun to relive those memories!

      Feliz Navidad is a funny song. It really is one of the only novelty-ish songs I can stomach … but you’re right, it is a bit repetitive. Which may be why I can only hear it once a season before it gets old!

  26. Tom G. says:

    Holy Crap! I think I sat behind you in Geometry class!

    OK, maybe it wasn’t you, but one of the 5.6 million other awkward teenage girls in the mid 80’s with braces, bangs, and enough hairspray to burn a mile wide hole in the ozone layer.

    Which reminds me, the only use I have ever found for Facebook is finding all those girls that I say behind in Geometry class, longing to lick their knee sock covered legs, and seeing what beautiful middle age women they turned into.

    Not that I stalk them.

    Much.

  27. Sally says:

    Hmm… let’s see. I wouldn’t exactly call it a wrapping station… more accurately it’s a warehouse shipping station where, if no one catches me, I can wrap my gifts on company time using their supplies. (Naughty? Yes. But there’s no pet hair in my scotch tape!)
    I’m especially partial to that new ad where the silly young woman is startled by the thunderstorm and her big, manly, probably physically abusive boyfriend rushes in to protect her saying something creepy like “I’m right here… and I always will be.”

    • Oh Sally, I almost, almost posted a link to that very commercial. But seeing how it wasn’t holiday-themed, it just didn’t make the cut. But that’s BY FAR the worst commercial I’ve ever seen. It’s so creepy — almost Cape Fear-esque. I expect him to pull a machete from behind him instead of that stupid necklace!

      And you know what: Your warehouse shipping station sounds like the perfect place. No judgment here, naughty girl.
      ;)

      Thanks for commenting!

  28. 1. your photo really isn’t that bad, you pick faults which i’m sure you search for that i can’t see.
    2.I haven’t even heard it but i’m gonna say Justin Bieber has the worst cuz, well…anything that comes out of his mouth sounds whiney and as though he sucked up too much helium at his schools latest dance.
    3. i have the floor in my bed room and that seems to give me enough space but considering i live in a shared house that is essentially my house :/
    4. my brother stole xmas from me telling me he had met santa and so had i…btw its dad!! evil..
    5. my best friend is not even sure about bringing her child up with santa as she is not so sure about essentially lying to him but is happy to read the hare and the tortoise…really talking animals that race to a tree aren’t lying but santa is???

    • Haha — love the hare and tortoise story. Good point.

      Sounds like your brother was being a typical brother (I have one of those, too). And I’m glad you have a large enough bedroom floor for the wrapping. I always manage to make both of my feet fall asleep while I’m all pretzeled up on my floor. The numb stage is the worst.

      Happy holidays to you!

  29. Xarah says:

    None of the above. Your ranting triggered me to open iTunes, type in Christmas and let Elvis sing his Christmas songs to me while I read your post which made me laugh out loud several times. Thank you for that!
    Xarah, blogging at Empower Network

  30. Modern Christmas songs that I would classify as “good-to-sublime” include:

    John Lennon or Sarah Mac “Happy XMas”
    Vince Vance and the Valiants “All I Want For Christmas is You”
    Bob Seger “Little Drummer Boy”
    Martina McBride “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, “Do You Hear What I Hear?”, “What Child Is This?” and “O Holy NIght.”
    (and maybe) That “Feed the World” thing from the 80’s

    • “Good-to-sublime”???? That “Feed the World” song from the ’80s????

      The rest I can buy. But that one? Not a chance! ;)

      • LMDBO–Laughing my dumb butt off. I was kinda wishing I could have retracted that part of that comment. There might have been an excess amount of wine involved. I actually found some wine, WITH a cork, for 3 bucks a bottle in the grocery store, which was okay. Price very okay, wine decent, though I’m not a connoisseur. Pretty sure I didn’t even get the title right (of the undeserving song, that is–the wine was Cutler Creek or something). Well, it wasn’t a box of wine, anyway. I was actually impressed that I had a corkscrew.

        I had to look up the spelling of connoisseur, by the way. Since I’m all about confessing to mistakes. Happy Holidays and 2012 to you also!

  31. gus3 says:

    Oh, come on, that pic of you is totally (CENSORED)! I would have totally wanted to (CENSORED) (CENSORED)!

  32. Catherine says:

    Aww Mikalee I feel so bad for you! They never should have told your kids Santa wasn’t real! They should notice the handwriting thing on their own. :) I had to! I also realized that both Santa and the Easter Bunny apparently smoked, because they left ashes behind. Now, that doesn’t make good sense. The Easter Bunny would NEVER smoke. Because it’s bad for your teeth. Wait, Mom and Dad smoke. Hmm….. :)

    • I know, right? This is definitely something that should reveal itself on its own. I don’t recall EVER having a conversation with my own parents about Santa — I just came to slowly realize the truth behind it, and continued to shut the fuck up so that I would not jeopardize my own placement on the “nice” list! ;)

  33. rmv says:

    here’s the perspective that you don’t have, through no fault of your own of course. when bruce released that song back in the mid 70’s, there were no real rock n roll xmas songs. there were no 24/7 xmas stations. you didn’t have those same songs playing over and over and over. if i hear karen carpenter one more time i’m going to … nevermind.

    so back in the 70’s you waited all week and hoped to hear the song maybe twice. then we were able to put a tape in and record it, but you had to sit around the radio for five hours to wait for it. for many people like me (which means late 40’s and counting) it’s a special song that reaches back to your teen years and makes you feel young again.

    if you think of some of the music you listened to during those days of parachute pants and big hair, then you likely know what i’m talking about.

    • This is a valid point — I absolutely remember the days with my tiny pink Sony “boom box” with the pastel buttons on top, desperately trying to catch the first few notes of a Jets song when it came on the air. So yeah, point definitely taken.

      Thanks for the perspective — though it doesn’t prevent me from wanting to yank my car stereo from my car the second Bruce starts up again… ;)

      • rmv says:

        let the yankage begin.

        • …so I have to share: When this comment came in, it does so without any context. I had a hell of a time trying to figure out to which “yankage” you were referring! (haha…)

          But yes, car stereo yankage! Now I’ve got it. I’m just grateful the 24/7 Xmas tunetastic is over — for the next 6 months!

If you do not leave a comment, you will further shatter my already broken spirit. If you can live with that guilt, so be it... ;)

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