Shit My Car Stereo Says

People who know me know I have a very special relationship.

With my car.

I fucking love my car.

My car crush probably began because it was so implausible — how I could negotiate an amazing deal for a car this impossibly hot (well, for a family sedan…) ON MY OWN was practically unfathomable. It was like landing a date with a full-fledged Hollywood A-list actor.

Yeah, so I might be exaggerating. But anyone who has traversed the scary car dealer landscape on their own post-brick journey knows the trepidation — and subsequent relief — inspired by this encounter.

So when I first brought my car home, it was like the day my newborn was released from the hospital nursery.

And I started to really get to know my car.

Or at least, it started wanting to get to know me.

Because my car? It totally talks to me. Through its car stereo.

Yeah, I know, lots of you have stereos that display the names of songs. This is no exception. What is bizarre in my car’s case is how all of these “song names” on display — perfectly match up with stuff going on in my life.

Seriously — and I do not lie — one of the very first songs my car stereo “played” was this:

Um. Hello?

Alarming, right — and almost Johnny Cash-esque, if you ask me. Suddenly, I pictured my car as a debonair, smooth-talking cowboy. But then within a few days:

Sheesh. Demanding much? Now my car stereo wanted its own identity. However, I think it was annoyed at my indecision (or incorrect gender assignment, considering I was leaning toward the creative “Johnny” as in “Cash”). Because that same day…she chose:

And then the messages from “Martha” became stranger — dare I say, bolder — as I soon began to discover her personality.

The reason why, you ask:

Great. My car stereo is a tweeker. But I refused, resulting in:

Um, last I checked, Martha: I own you. Which was affirmed the following day with this:

Now that’s better (and I’m digging your attempt to apply modern text language, BTW. LOL. TTYL.).

But the bizarre thing is, as my relationship with Martha progressed, she started totally mirroring my personality. First came this:

I don’t think I deserved that. Notice how it’s even glowing — almost red like the devil? And it continued…

Clearly, this car has the right owner. It might be just a little sassy.

Then we entered the horny stage:

Subtle…

…knobs? Slot? Buttons?

Nice.

Wait? What? Premature ejection (of fuel)?

GROSS! Thanks for sparing me the money shot. (So would car jizz consist of wiper fluid? Just curious…)

Then:

Typical chick. Always wants to cuddle afterwards…

There was also the period of time in which Martha’s messages channeled with laser precision the actual events in my life. When I was first served with papers indicating that my ex was taking me to court to stop my blog and change visitation, there was this:

Then the day of mediation with Mediator Man, I returned to my car, and cross my heart hope to die this was on my display:

That was an understatement. Next up was my court date with the ex and this ominous commiseration from good Martha:

Yeah, so true. Now here’s Martha editorializing the day I quit my job to become a full-time freelance writer and editor:

(Funny, Martha. Hysterical. Don’t we all.)

Then this:

…followed in the next few days by these two editing “challenges,” clearly a result of the order issued above:

(Nice try…)

And this:

(Closer. But still no cigar.)

And in the final most bizarre tracking of current events, I had just bought this stupid glitter crap for my daughter’s nails — and that shit went everywhere. So as a result of our failed glitter nail experience, I posted on Facebook about how, given the copious amounts of glitter on me, I should change my name to Bambi. Or Coco. Or Candi. Or Pandora (no offense to readers named Bambi, Coco, Candi or Pandora, of course…).

I also commented that there was glitter in places — that glitter just don’t belong (wink wink, nudge nudge).

And the VERY next day:

You can’t make that shit up.

So as a final note, we all know how I joke all the time about The Universe and my lack of belief in it. But check out this latest (one could even say, Christmas-inspired) capture — even note the glorious, radiant beams of heavenly light as it descends from on high upon the display:

(Can’t you just hear the choir of angels singing?)

I guess maybe I shouldn’t be telling The Universe to fuck off so much — especially around Martha.

So, dear readers:

  1. Thoughts on Christine Martha?
  2. Do you have a “special relationship” with anything that communicates like this to you?
  3. Am I going crazy — yet again?
  4. Can you think of any song titles that I should be prepared for Martha to pull in the coming weeks/months? Better to be prepared than not (I’m still reeling from “Say Hello to Goo.” *shudder*)

…oh yeah, and speaking of The Universe: You know how I “put it out there” that I was tackling 12 posts in 12(ish) days? Well guess what came my way yesterday? A brand spankin’ new client with a bat-shit crazy MONDAY deadline. So: How about 12 posts — before 2012. Deal?

There’s a nice symmetry to the 12s, after all: “12 Before 12″; “The Dirty Dozen”; “Mikalee’s 12-Step Guide to Fucking Up 12 Posts in 12(ish) Days.”

(Step 1: Admit you have a problem…Hi everyone, my name is Mikalee, and read the fucking paragraph above. I have a problem.)

;)

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
This entry was posted in Current (crazy) events, I heart symbols, My bat-shit crazy divorce and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

64 Responses to Shit My Car Stereo Says

  1. Thoughts on Christine Martha? Yes. It’s amazing, although I think you need to be clearer on who’s the boss. Your dependency on her makes her arrogant. Show her who’s boss!

    Do you have a “special relationship” with anything that communicates like this to you? Nope.

    Am I going crazy — yet again? Let’s just focus on the positives. Client yay!

    Can you think of any song titles that I should be prepared for Martha to pull in the coming weeks/months? Better to be prepared than not (I’m still reeling from “Say Hello to Goo.” *shudder*). If the following sequence ever comes up, get out and sell her: ‘If you leave me now, I’ll be gone, With or without you, Let it be, Go your own way’. Also, if the next message you see is ‘suspicious minds’, she’s onto you.

    • Haha — of course, you are only seeing one side of our conversation. I haven’t quite mastered how to communicate with Martha quite yet … I’ve tried snarky retorts, ignoring, throwing chewed pieces of gum at the display, etc. Her reaction always seems nonplussed.

      And yes: Client yay is right! I’m thrilled, yet I can only imagine my bat-shit crazy approach to life through my 12 Posts announcement was the reason I secured the contract. Especially in the context of her own crazy deadline.

      You know, I’ve never really paid attention to the underlying meaning of a sequence of messages. Now you’ve got me curious (and I PROMISE to follow your directives if any form of the above pops up upon my investigation).
      :)

  2. Leah H. says:

    1. Martha is totally messing with you. Good thing she is useless without you and your car keys!
    2. My navigation system has the voice of a British guy named Richard. He hates me. He never gets me where I need to go! He leads me ASTRAY!
    3. If you’re going crazy, then I’m going right there with you. Song lyrics talk to me in really specifically eerie ways all the time…!
    4. All I can think of is; “Hate to say I told you so…” by the Hives.

    Seems like that might be eerily appropriate at some point in your crazy life! <3

    • Richard sounds like a dick! (pun intended, of course). In fact, I hope you call him “Dick.” Frequently. ;) It sounds like he and Martha might get along. I’ll bet an arranged union between a car stereo and a nav system would result in something truly bizarre: like Catdog.

      Perfect song choice. Any song by the Hives, really — right?

      Love it!

  3. jcabsep says:

    Cute post- like your thought process. Look forward to more of your stuff.

    • I firmly believe like attracts like — meaning my bizarre thought process might be similar to yours? Just a guess.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, and I look forward to seeing you around here again!

  4. You’re on a roll – hope I got this right – three fuckings, two fucks, and a F.U. Terrific.

    And, I admire your personal relationship with your car. I never got beyond generics such as The Honda, The Pilot, The Truck. So boring.

    • This year, my gratitude list includes you: How else would I know whether I’ve reached my daily allotment of “fucks” (the verbal kind, that is…).
      ;)

      Branch out, superjack. Try to channel your car’s inner essence — what “drives” it, so to speak.

      Or just go with Bob. Bob is a great name for anything.

  5. Anne Schilde says:

    [group chorus in monotone] Hi Mikalee.

    1. Haha, it’s abundantly clear where the Red Lady hung out until finally possessing you for the 12(ish) Days of Postmas.
    2. The guys in the office next door has a pretty freaky iPod.
    3. You seem pretty bat-shit crazy sane to me.
    4. Given the current season, you should probably be on the alert for things like, “All I Want” “That Holiday Feel”. Now if “Back Door Santa” and “Wistful Willie” start showing up in the wrong spots, you might consider ritual sacrifices nstuff.

    • Oooh…I’ve never made the connection. Because guess what color my car is? Go ahead, wild guess…that’s right: RED! So “The Lady in Red” may just refer to Martha, who is a “lady” stereo “in” a “red” car.

      Spooky.

      I’m a fan of being bat-shit crazy sane. I think those of us who often wonder if we’re crazy — are actually the only sane ones. The ones who don’t question their sanity — ever — are almost always crazy.

      I’d freak out if Back Door Santa showed up on Martha. She’s already got a horny side, after all … perhaps she likes when people pop the trunk? (Oh, that was BAD…).

      • Anne Schilde says:

        Oh crap! “bat-shit crazy” was supposed to be a strike-though. Grr! Sorry, I guess the tag didn’t work. Yeah, it’s the only kind of sane I’m a fan of. People who take life too seriously creep me out.

        • No worries. I think we need to coin a new term: bat-shit crazy sane. If you consider “bat-shit crazy” as an adjective describing “sane,” it works. It’s just like when people call someone “crazy cool” or “wicked funny.”
          ;)

  6. Harper Faulkner says:

    I expunged my comment. My Harley told me to. “Don’t go messin’ around with no Martha,” he said. “Two wheels is the only way to go,” he told me. “And what kind of name is Martha?” He asked. “Sounds gay to me,” he said. “Calm down, Bruce,” I told him. “I’ll delete my comment.” And, I have. (It was filthy, anyway.)

    • Bruce sounds hot, if not a bit homophobic.

      Does he have any interest in a sassy red Nissan Altima? Or is that too pedestrian for the two-wheeled wonder?

      • Harper Faulkner says:

        First, I’m going to start calling you MB, because I always have to check my spelling of your name. Second, allow my comments to be directly posted. I don’t like being screened. Finally, Bruce has no interest in anything with four wheels, although he does like riding in the bed of my truck. Second finally, of all the posts I read, yours are the most inventive and creative. I never know what you are going to say or how you are going to say it, but I know it will be something good. Thanks for spreading the laughs and tears around. I always gain perspective from you–although sometimes it’s a bit warped!

        • First, HF, stop leaving disgusting, filthy comments — and I won’t screen. We all know this is not a fucking blog that serves as a gratuitous destination for expletives or sexual innuendo. Sheesh.

          Second first, Bruce doesn’t know what he’s missing.

          And finally: You’re too kind! I’m glad you get my warped perspective — takes a warped one to know a warped one, I s’pose.
          ;)

  7. Mikalee…he seriously tried to get a court to stop your blog?!?!?!? You are SOO lucky you divorced him!!! Congrats on getting publishing in Spirit Southwest. I do not know what that mag is but as a writer any time you get to see your work in print on paper just The Best!!
    I so love how that the Universe continues to yell at you and lead you and show you that you are connected, there is an unseen energy flow and it can actually speak directly to Mikalee! :) I had a brand new Pontiac G6 once that literally made my heart skip a beat the first time I saw it! I LLOVELOVELOVED that car. He had to go away when the lease was up. I did cry. Now I am driving an older Pontiac Grand Prix. She is not so flashy in silver, but still dependable and comfortable. She gets it when I need to go and cruises when there is no hurry.
    Being a coach that studies tools to manage Universal energy, I can tell you that everything speaks to me, has a message to give and is a guide to the next place I need to go. I am wondering what Martha was saying in the pics that I cannot see, though.
    Keep it up MB…you are doing great and on your way to somewhere fabulous, courtesy of Red and Martha

    • Yip, he seriously tried to sue me to stop my blog. Didn’t work, though — and I’m FAR better off for no longer having him as a husband!

      You are “a coach that studies tools to manage Universal energy”? Intriguing…but yeah, I’m still not buying it.
      ;)

      Thank you so much for the great comment, and for following my journey. I can use all the support I can get, it would seem!

      Take care,

      Mikalee

  8. twindaddy says:

    I chose number 3, only because everything is so much cooler that way.

  9. Britney Spears? Really, Mikalee?

    This post sort of reminds me of the odd relationship Steve Martin had with the reader board on the freeway in “L.A. Story.” In any case, your car seems a bit high strung and aggressive. You should play some Frankie Goes To Hollywood and tell her to RELAX.

    • Do I earn back some street cred if I tell you I don’t even know which song is the Britney Spears song? Maybe just a little? I hope so, because I pride myself on my street cred.

      I had TOTALLY forgotten about the part of LA Story. Good call — and your song choice is definitely in order. She is nothing if not high strung.

  10. Anna says:

    Ha! Great post that I can relate too. When I bought my current car, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the word “Breathe”, followed by “Anna” come up on the radio display. I mean, I know I was excited by the whole car buying process, but seriously it hadn’t take my breath away that much – until my car seemingly knew my name that is!

  11. JustI says:

    I dare say, I believe this was a chimichanga: a crisp, often deep-fried tortilla containing a spicy filling of pork, chicken, etc., usually served as an appetizer with sour cream, green chili sauce, melted cheese, etc.

    Not a soggy, half-baked postito with bland filling! Although, as an appeteaser it does whet ones appetite for more. Yes, please, supersize it and all the way!

    • Who knew we’d have so much fun with the Postitos, right? ;)

      You only forgot the goo. All chimichangas come with copious amounts of goo, and I think this one didn’t disappoint in that regard.

      Thank you for the great description. And now, even though it’s 7:20 a.m., I’m craving Mexican food — and a margarita!

  12. Shawn Griffin says:

    Mikalee, this totally sounds like you are channeling your inner “Hasselhoff” with Martha starring as the new K.I.T.T., but wait???

    What’s the next blog about?

    Mikalee stars on Baywatch with Martha a beach-mobile!

    I do have a special relationship with something that talks to me! My iPod!
    ;)

    No, Mikalee, you aren’t going crazy. Artificial intelligence is super cool especially with the car of your dreams!

    What song titles should you look out for?

    Feeling blue?
    Lithium

    A little gangster?
    – Straight out of Compton

    Feeling rowdy?
    – Fight for your right to party
    – I want to get high

    • Oh my GOD she is my very own K.I.T.T.!!!!! Why did that connection escape me? THAT (or K.I.T.T.Y.) totally shoulda been her name, after all…

      And yeah, don’t hold your breath for the Baywatch follow-up. No one wants to see me running across a beach to save a life. Trust me. NO ONE!

      Is it bad that when you asked “Feeling blue” in your comment above, I erroneously read “feeling lube?” Or is it just that I’m used to my readers and their typically dirty minds? Or is it that I’m used to MY typically dirty mind?

      Good luck with that “special relationship” you have with your iPod. Remind me never to shuffle through your songs if we ever meet in person. ;)

  13. groovyrick says:

    First off, let’s can the whole scatmanrick thing…I don’t want to print new letterhead.
    Your situation is pefectly normal from my point of view (say “hey” to Martha for me). Personally, my iPod is my dearest and best friend. It picks up whatever mood I’m in and channels just the right music for me. I swear it’s true. If we could iron out our religious differences, I would marry my iPod in a heartbeat. I even thought about naming it, but it told me right at the onset, “Rick, let’s not complicate things with names. I know your name and that’s all that matters. Now, weren’t you wanting to hear a little R.E.M?” My iPod understands me like no one else on the planet, and it has never let me down. It currently holds over 9,000 songs and it’s not even half full. When I die, I want it donated for scientific research…just to see how it was able to figure me out and make me happy.
    Perhaps the most logical tune Martha could dish up for you is the Queen classic “I’m In Love With My Car” since you’ve “got a feel for your automobile…”

    • Oh, I think your iPod has a name. Judging by your description, I’d call it Hal. Too smart for its own good — be very careful what kind of power you willingly give that modern scientific wonder.

      I’m amazed how many people refer to their iPods as having a “special” connection with them. I don’t have an iPod (stand alone), but I have an iPhone (which houses an iPod, of course). And I fucking hate that thing. It gets in moods where, despite hundreds of songs from which to choose (9,000 Rick??? Really???), I’ll only get Billy Joel. Or Simon and Garfunkel.

      And never Maroon 5.

      Come to think of it, many people would probably say that’s one smart iPod…

  14. Well, you can do your paying work, and raise your family, and sleep, or….do your paying work, raise your family, keep up your blog, make supper for Brett (correct name? I hope) IN A MINISKIRT, read every word ever written by all your fellow bloggers, even if it means hiring a plane and flying to their house and finding their secret stash of stories on top of the closet shelf, find a cure for all autoimmune diseases, …….and skip the sleep. You know, whatever your messed-up priorities are.

    • You were only wrong in one aspect of your assessment: I make supper nightly for Brett in a miniskirt (me, not him) in both versions. That’s a non-negotiable. ;)

      (And in reality, I should admit that he and I share supper duties. I wouldn’t want you all thinking I’m going all June Cleaver on ya…)

      Just trying to keep my head above water — and the Tom Ramen off the table!

  15. The Hook says:

    You REALLY love your car, don’t you? What’s really going on in there when no one’s watching?

  16. Harold says:

    Gotta take it when you can get it, work that is. I know Martha had you thinking something else.
    Martha is listening and watching she might tell us!

  17. kitchenmudge says:

    Do you play CD’s in Martha, or plug some ipod-like thing in her? Has she ever said “Don’t put that schlock in me again”? (Maybe misspelled it?) Lady in Red.

  18. Harper Faulkner says:

    Hmmm, no post today. Epic Fail! Love ya!

    • Nah: Duh, WINNING – new client will pay for Christmas. And at least a month of Top Ramen-less food!

      I had to make a choice, and while not happy for my failed initiative, my kids will love the sustenance… ;)

  19. usmansharif says:

    I just started reading your blog a while ago, after your ranting Universe posts (Loved them ;d , was in freshly pressed), I read most of the ones you linked to in posts after that, the brick one and all. Just thought I’d comment to let you know I think you’re hilarious, and the way you write is very real and projects YOU the best possible through text (I shit you not!).

    I feel like I’m sitting next to you, without actually…..blah…you get the point.

    I wanted to comment here before going to (SOMEHOW) get to your first post/postitio ever and go on from there. So consider this a warning and brace yourself for a copious of comments (hope I used that word {copious} correctly =d new word for me, this one girl on this one blog keeps saying it over and overrr again! heh).

    Oh and one more thing, I FUCKING LOVE DIET COKE TOO! *cola-water cheer*

    • OK, first of all: “Copious” is like the best word ever. It just means “lotsa,” but it sounds super smart! ;)

      I’m so glad you’ve found my blog and can relate to my special brand of crazy. Though you do realize, that probably means you have your own special brand of crazy, right? And that’s WAY ok…

      Diet Coke rocks. It’s 7:12 a.m. and I’m leaving to get one. Now. No lie.

      Thanks for stopping by, and I do look forward to seeing you and your copious comments again!

  20. jakesprinter says:

    Who`s the father of your stereo i will hunt him,
    He never teach a good moral to his son he, he, :)

  21. Not enough superlatives in the OED to express how much I love this post! ;D

  22. Tammy says:

    You always amaze me but on this one – she is messing with you!

  23. Oh how you make me laugh Mikalee. Laugh, laugh, laugh!

  24. This is hysterical and now I know just how clever you are. But how did you get your car radio to display these titles, just as you were taking photos? Are these songs that happen to be on your playlist? Hmm…

    • Nope, honest to Pete, Monica, these are songs selected by my car stereo. Well, selected by my Sirius satellite radio, I s’pose. And they seem to come up at the oddest, most appropriate times, so I always have my iPhone camera ready while I’m driving or riding in the passenger seat.

      And I only whip out the camera at stoplights, I promise…

  25. Catherine says:

    LOL you crack me up. And this is not a postlet. It’s an actual post. :) Loved it.

  26. carelemac says:

    This really made me laugh. Thanks!!!

  27. Michelle says:

    Oh my goodness, this is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Sometimes my iPod has been know to join in on the conversation with it’s song selection while on shuffle…that’s always entertaining.
    Like the day we were driving down the road, Boys In The Bright White Sports Car came on. Guess what happened within thirty seconds? Yeah. That’s right. Same with when I got in my car, hit shuffle on the iPod and laughed when Raining On Sunday came on. Because, it was raining. And it was a Sunday. And oh so many more.
    The world is a strange place. Sometimes, it even scares the shit out of me.
    Love your blog, by the way. It’s entertaining, and certainly an awesome way for you to get some of your story out. :)

    • OK, that’s crazy — your iPod even scares the shit out of me! Can you imagine what would happen if your iPod and my car got together? I’m thinking something like world domination — but that just may be the fear talkin’…

      Thanks so much for stopping by, reading and enjoying — I definitely hope to see you around here again and again!

      • Michelle says:

        Yeah, it really puts the whole ‘robot apocalypse’ into a new perspective, haha.
        And no worries! Your story is interesting, that is for certain! Love hearing what you have to say!

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