My Big Fat Poop Wedding

It has been a couple o’ weeks, friends — you know, those weeks when you find yourself just shaking your head in disbelief at the signs and symbols and meanings of it all. And as if my encounter with Pepe Le Squirrel weren’t symbolic enough, the next chapter of bat-shit crazy began with The Dream (in caps, because this is one of those iconic dreams, the kind that I will inevitably point to as The Symbol of my forever fucked-upedness).

Now keep in mind, given my recent diagnosis with Blogholm Syndrome and constant interaction with the Ex, my emotional state may be — well, questionable. Want evidence? Try this on for size.

The setting of The Dream: Boyfriend Brett and I are in the front of a traditional church. I’m holding a bouquet of flowers the size of a toilet, and we’re engaged in a very casual convo about the wedding that is about to ensue — our wedding, as it turns out. I look down past the flowers, and I notice that I’m wearing the most hideous, matronly, gag-worthy dress I’ve ever seen — complete with high collar, ruffles and fucking romantic lace everywhere.

Oh yeah. And the flowers are lilies. You know: dead people posies. But guess what? The flowers weren’t the best symbol. Nope, not even close.

Because as we’re standing there about to get married, a guy walks through the church. In a faded denim shirt with red suspenders. Carrying a shovel behind him and shaking his head, as if in sheer disbelief. And his words — I shit you not (pun intended):

“Whew…no one wants to use that bathroom for a while! No sir…”

And as I glance down past my collar and ruffles and stupid fucking lace, I watch as giant globs of poop slide from his shovel. All over the floor. And all around my Grandma Boots.

Shit. All over my wedding. How perfectly dreamy

I startled awake almost immediately, grabbing my “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” journal full of pages of real-life symbols including bricks and dead squirrels and penis tiaras and #1 Shit Divorce Google rankings, adding this to the long list that will one day inspire the screenplay.

Anyhow, trying to shake the memory of The Dream, I decided to treat myself that next afternoon to the unparalleled luxury of a facial. But this wasn’t your typical facial, as I’d later find out, but rather a session of unparalleled torture microdermabrasion.

For the uninitiated, microdermabrasion is a process by which an esthetician first burns off the epidermis of your skin with acid, then tackles the dermis, taking 40-grit sandpaper to the remaining layers of sub-dermal skin and systematically scraping them off, one by one, sucking up the copious swaths and flecks and flakes and fragments of flying skin with what equates to an industrial-strength Oreck.

Then there’s lots of lotion, and you’re sent on your way. Back to work. Good to go. Exactly as you were when you came in.

Just missing your face.

So glad I chose to spoil myself thusly. Especially the day after my poop wedding.

Anyhoo, for anyone who has been to an esthetician, perhaps you can relate to my next question: What the fuck is up with the goddamn esthetician goddesses?

Seriously.

Now I realize they’re essentially skin whores, tempting you to “buy” their goods and services based on their alluring looks and radiant complexions. But it’s completely hurtful to the soul to be lying there in the shadow of this glowing, dewy goddess, all radiant and milky, surrounded by white light and being followed by a trail of forest creatures.

As she’s peeling layers of dead skin from your face and asking if you’re always this blotchy. Bitch.

I could leave it there, because these two events adequately tell the story of this chapter of crazy. But let’s just add one more highlight, fast forwarding a mere 24 hours, to the always-forboding invitation to a mandatory work meeting.

“Look around this room,” my boss enjoins. “In about 4-6 weeks, three out of every four of you will probably not be here.”

Poop. Face peeled off by milky goddess. Losing job.

Ugh.

But this has all been complemented by a few highlights. Among them:

  1. I am in the middle of a week in which I have 43 freelance writing assignments due.  Seriously: 43. I believe next week, I will be celebrating with a commensurate number of glasses of wine. And probably surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome, as one astute Facebook friend predicted.
  2. One of these stories was a feature for Spirit, the national (!) in-flight magazine for Southwest Airlines. The story is about Nevada, and I needed to incorporate perspectives from both the north and the south of the state, so I started searching for a source who had traveled to both Reno and Las Vegas. And as if the gods of the blogosphere were watching me, one bloggy buddy, Mark over at Mark My Words,  had recently written a post about visiting Reno. I took my chances, reached out, asked if he’d visited both – and guess what? He’s now the star of the story! And I compare him to Jekyll and Hyde, which he’s just now finding out about. (Hi Mark! Love ya! Write!)
  3. I’m a new contributor on www.exconnection.com, which is a rockin’ site that allows people new to the divorce process to connect with those of us who’ve “been there, done that.” Brilliant concept, IMHO, and I’m thrilled to be part of it. My first post there — which is also my first post here on Me 2.0 — can be found right here. I hope many of you will take your fabulous voices to that site as well. Just be sure to come back, k? K…
  4. I recently visited Disneyland. With my kids and my parents. And my daughter asked me to wear this:
Mikalee as a bride in Disneyland

No fucking romantic lace on this veil. Oh, but there were ears...

…and I didn’t throw up!

Healing…it’s a beautiful thing.

So:

  1. Anyone want to channel Freud and offer some insightful analysis about My Big Fat Poop Wedding?
  2. Any leads on a good writing job?
  3. Anyone care to share the highlights of a particularly crazy dream/week/facial?

I’m all ears!

…and so were my folks, as it turns out:

Mikalee's parents channeling their inner Mickey

See: Real men wear sequins (and their awesome wives, too!)

;)

About Mikalee Byerman

How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-wife still believe in happy endings? (not that kind of happy endings...sheesh, people...) By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine...lots of good, red wine. Join me as I embrace my next best self (and help you discover yours) with Me 2.0!
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96 Responses to My Big Fat Poop Wedding

  1. Harold says:

    I would say your writing mojo is back!
    I barely remember my confusing dreams to even discuss them let alone interpret them. So to jump to yours? In the words of George Sr. “not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent”.
    I will leave that to others.
    Keep on writing, you are a brightness in our world! :)

  2. Wait a minute…you have 43 freelance writing assignments in one week? And you’re looking for a good writing job??

    • Absolutely! It’s feast or famine in this crazy industry. Let me check — yeah, 43 stories due next week; NOTHING due after that. Zero, zilch, NADA!

      And I have two adorable children’s mouths to feed — one belonging to a boy entering middle school. He can eat a box of cereal in one sitting, if allowed…

  3. shinypigeon says:

    A box of cereal in one sitting….my…. that is impressive!
    You & your folks look super cute in the ears….my dad will quite happily wear glitter and sequins too… it’s the mark of a real man.
    Glad you are back on form, despite missing half of your face.
    x

    • To clarify: The box-of-cereal-in-one-sitting-thing is NEVER allowed. But I’m confident he could! I’m amazed at how often he claims to be “hungry,” though I think there may be good reason: My son happens to be one of the shortest boys in his class, despite the fact that I’m 6 feet tall and dad is 6’3″. Can you say, “growth spurt”?

      I do love that picture of my parents. And I’m grateful they allowed me to post it here, as I love to show off their super-cuteness.

      Thanks so much for the comment!

  4. Dee says:

    Hey Mikalee, I’ve been following your blog for a while. Now, here’s a bride who really had poo on her dress — http://justwritingat.blogspot.com/2011/05/lucky-girl.html — wonder what kind of a sign that was!

    • Oh my GOD Dee, that is classic! And it was even the groom’s very own skidmark…you just can’t make that shit up. (again, pun intended!)

      And by the way: ewwwwwwwww.

      The bizarre thing is my dream happened before this news story — and even before I saw the movie Bridesmaids, which has a scene involving poop and a wedding dress. I must be on the forefront of a trend.

  5. Karyn says:

    Being that I do have a degree in Psychology, let me ask a few questions. Are you and your love talking – even remotely – about marriage? Has your relationship moved to the point that it feels like a marriage? (he did cut your hair for you after you asked) And how does all of this make you feel?

    • Excellent…it’s like therapy on a virtual couch — without the giant hourly rate!

      So to answer your questions:

      1. Boyfriend Brett talks about marriage. He asks me to marry him routinely. But never in any sort of a “real” way (his most recent attempt was with a plastic cake and plastic glass of champagne in the bakery department of our local grocery store…he even got on one knee!). But these are very tongue-in-cheek proposals, as he knows that I am nowhere near ready for that. Nor is he, probably…to be perfectly honest.
      2. Boyfriend Brett is my best friend, and he lives with me. So yes, it “feels” very much like my first marriage. Without the brick. Yet
      3. Clearly, this all makes me feel like — well, poop!
      ;)

  6. I have read several of your recent posts and love your blog! My boyfriend and I lived together for almost two years, and while we broke up four months ago he is still invading my dreams in the most obscure ways. Several parts of your “About Mikalee Byerman” section perfectly describe my life:

    “How can a sometimes bitter, definitely jaded, no longer trusting blindsided ex-(girlfriend) still believe in happy endings?…By channeling her scary internal dialogue through a controversial blog/future book, swearing like a drunken sailor and spending all her spare time focused on helping others people heal. Oh, and wine…lots of good, red wine…”

    Cheers to lots of good wine and a tough-ass journey that will lead us to fucking great times ahead!

    • I’m so excited to meet you — always good to connect with kindred spirits out there! IMHO, I have the best readers/commenters EVER, and I’m so glad to welcome you into the fold. We all learn much from sharing our experiences — yeah, those pervasive dream remnants are annoying, right? Ugh.

      So picture me toasting you with white wine tonight (bizarre, huh?). Here’s to fucking great times, indeed!

  7. OK, first off, it’s a surreal experience to come across your name when you’re not expecting it. And then, to find out you’re the star of a story in a national in-flight magazine? I have three words for you:

    How fucking cool!

    You’ll have to point me in the direction of it once it’s published.

    And for crying out loud, Mikalee, how can you have 43 freelance writing assignments when I am having trouble landing even ONE?! What’s your secret? Do tell.

    Seriously. Do tell. You’ve got my e-mail address. :)

    • Well, let’s just hope your part of the story makes the final cut. How’s that for pressure?

      Actually, it’s the introduction, so I can’t imagine it wouldn’t. But editors are an odd bunch (myself included) — unpredictable to say the least!

      It’s the July issue, and I’ll be sure you get a copy. And of course I put in there that you’re a Portland-based freelance writer, so perhaps the mere mention will inspire some jet-lagged traveler to think, “Hmmm. I need a writer. I live in Portland. Maybe this is a sign. I’ll have to look Mark up when I get home…”

      Hey, one can hope!

      And seriously, Mark, if I told you how I got these stories: I’d have to kill ya.

      Nah — I’ll be in touch. ;)

      • Yes, I understand about editors. I’m one myself sometimes. (Odd to be an editor and a writer…the two are like oil and water sometimes).

        Any tips you can give me are appreciated!

  8. hrhdaf says:

    Hey hey! That dream was either massively deep and full of symbolism, or you had cheese before you went to sleep (or were possibly a tad dehydrated through guzzling wine… oh I meant diet coke obviously ;O)
    LMAO at the skin whores… Yeah walkin through the department stores being sprayed and generally harrassed by this type of beautician woman melts my brain just a tad. Theyre like Stepford wives, where as Im not usually wearing a scrap of make up and have my hair scraped into a pony tail… I like to make an effort!
    Still laughing my ass off at Pepe the Squirrel’s flat out demeanour. We mourn his sad loss.

    • Wait: Are you watching me? How did you know I’m guzzling the wine … oops, I mean, Diet Coke?

      Yeah, I’m just going to point to a crazy combination of my “special” Diet Coke with bad salmon…

      I join you in mourning the loss of Pepe. But I am forever grateful for his presence in my life — however brief (and stiff). I mean, how many people ever get to see something that … dramatic?!?! Let alone to photograph it!

  9. Ashley says:

    Once I dreamed that my cat and I (yes, my cat) were secret agents. We were captured by the Russians and they executed her with poisionous marijuana. I woke up in tears – seriously.

    Sometimes a bizarre dream is just a dream…or the result of one too many Jack and Cokes the night before:) Oh, and your parents are precious!!

    • I have a recurring cat dream, too. Only mine is not quite as cool as yours — it involves giant cats the size of mountains surrounding my city. And watching me…

      But I’d take a poisonous mariguana execution any day of the week over my recurring nightmare. Though I’m truly sorry yours made you cry! :(

      And yes, my parents are precious — thank you for saying so! :)

  10. abelovedone says:

    Haha this is awesome. I had similarly crazy dreams leading up to my acutal wedding (http://abelovedone.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/what-does-bridezilla-dream-about/) and so there were moments at the rehearsal, the reception, and ceremony where I was just WAITING for all my bridesmaids to show up with corsets over their dresses or with streak and cheese subs in their hands. Dreams are crazy. But I think yours was awesome and I’m really glad you shared!

    • Haha! But weren’t they tempted to wear the corsets or carry the steak and cheese subs because of your dream??? I know I would have been…

      Or at least they should have made an appearance at the Rehearsal Dinner … along with fake plastic centerpieces from the Christmas Tree Show. Right?
      ;)

      Thanks for sharing — love it!

  11. John says:

    Ok, let’s have some fun analyzing the dream. Honestly, I think 99% of dreams mean nothing (so sayeth my best friend, who’s a psychology professor and a behaviorist). But… my mom was an english teacher so symbolism is fun and easy to find sometimes.

    I’d guess that you’re getting closer and closer to Brett- not sure if marriage has even entered the discussion or thoughts, but maybe it’s something that’s coming to light for you. Or maybe still, you’re starting to view him in the same positive light that maybe you USED to view the ex-husband. And if he’s a good dude/white knight who has replaced this awful, negative experience you had with the ex-husband, perhaps the over-the-top wedding garb is an indication of how much better it is with Brett? Or maybe it’s a part of you that’s insistent that if you DO marry again, that it be perfect and not flawed like last time.

    The fact that it was an old guy who brought the shovel in is significant because he represents the past. And your past includes the divorce and all the poop that comes with it.

    And… yeah, I wouldn’t put a shred of stock in any of that.

    One time, I dreamt that I was walking around Roseanne’s house (from the TV show), walked inside, couldn’t find anybody, and then I found a room where I heard a noise. As I slowly approached, I peeked in the door and saw “Dan” (a.k.a. John Goodman) pleasuring himself to internet porn (all I saw was his back ,fortunately). He realized I was in there and yelled at me and that’s when I woke up. It’s easily the most horrifyingly funny and weird dream I’ve ever had.

    • Damn — you’re good, my friend. Very, very good. And here I just thought in my bitter, post-divorce state that I equate all weddings with poop and fear looking ugly in a wedding dress!

      While Brett and I tease quite often about marriage, I also think there’s a part of me that is “the type” who desperately wants to be married — yet can never feel trust enough to go that path again. Or at least, as I am now… so there’s probably some truth to your analysis.

      OK, so tell me you’ve blogged about your dream? That. Is. AWESOME! Horrifyingly funny — perfect desciptor…

  12. Groundy says:

    I love it! Just started reading your blog. LOVE the phrase ‘Bat Shit Insane’! My exh says all his ex’s are BSI – I believe the only one that was BSI is HIM!

    Thanks for the awesome laughs!
    ~Groundy/Karen

    • Well then, welcome to my little bat-shit crazy blog! There’s lots of crazy to go around here … happy reading!

      That’s too funny about what your ex says. I always tell everyone that, given the crazy in my own divorce (even the beginning: I mean, who else has ever had a marriage end with a brick!?!?) that I am doing just fine. After all, I never egged a car, or destroyed a tire, or even threw a punch. Nope. I just WRITE…

      Thank you so much for stopping by…

  13. Lakia Gordon says:

    Mikalee–you have a very unique sense of humor that shows through your writings :) Cool stuff.

  14. ournote2self says:

    Hahaha, poop wedding. I’ve had some crazy dreams in my day, but I don’t believe poop and a wedding were ever in the same one. Thanks for yet again, making me laugh.

    • I dig dreams…but this is one of the best yet. Of course, last night I had a dream about a baby doll that, when detonated, would emit a deadly gas that would end the world.

      I think I may need help.

  15. Jackie Shelton says:

    I’ve dreamed about poop before, so have had occasion to look it up on Dreammoods.com (meaning below). I think this one is symbolizing your fear of marriage and that it’s going to happen again. Your dream is telling you to let the negativity go. I’m not sure about the dress, but maybe it’s a symbol of old fashioned thinking? How you used to think of marriage? Just hazarding a guess on all of this. :)

    Meaning:
    To see or come in contact with feces, signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.

    To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces, suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.

    • Jackie — I love love LOVE this. I can’t believe there is an actual analysis on poop in dreams — crazy!

      So according to this analysis, I’m supposed to poop out the negative and embrace the hope of my future? Or, alternatively, I’m just internalizing that I equate marriage with shit … and I have to come to terms with that.

      Certainly doesn’t take a Ph.D. to make the connection to that latter conclusion, huh? ;)

  16. pratmoko says:

    i cannt say anything….
    just.. :))

  17. Dalai Lina says:

    Thank you for this hilarious post. I’m totally “pooped” out from being out of town and this gave me a little boost of energy :)

    • So glad my poop dream served as an energy boost for you … it gave me a pretty good laugh, too. Once I awoke, that is — all I remember feeling in the dream was totally alarmed at the sight of all that poo!

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting!

  18. J Roycroft says:

    Mikalee – It’s so good to see you again. Your post was great. As you are aware, I am in the process of writing my first book. It’s about me as a seven year old living in 1961 – 1962 Berlin, back during the building of the Berlin Wall and the Cuban Missile Crisis. It’s going slow but sure. I am also writing about my first marriage, you know, to the off spring of Satan. Anyways, that book is my farewell tribute to the old bitch. It’s my tell all about 22 years of pure un- adulterated hell and all of the various plots I conjured up in my head on how I could commit the perfect murder. Trust me on this – after a while I got pretty damn good at those plots. Of course I never full filled any of those day dreams. I am writing the book to put closure on that era of my life. You should write about your marriage. Just think about all the great plots you could come up with. Take care. For the record – I really didn’t try to kill her. Jack Daniels will likely be responsible for that.

    • I’m so glad you stopped by … and thank you for the comment! I’m totally jealous that you’ve started your books. Any luck with agents/publishers yet?

      I am absolutely committed to the book idea for my own story — I can’t imagine not continuing this journey. I often tell people, “I’m a writer…not a blogger.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being a blogger — it’s just that my story has unfolded in ways I never imagined, and so I needed the instant gratification of writing frequently and the sense of healing that comes with sharing the stories. The idea of blogging keeps me working toward the goal of publishing. It is a first step toward a bigger goal.

      I absolutely look forward to seeing how your progress unfolds. With any luck, having lived with Satan’s offspring will at least provide you with a book deal…
      ;)

  19. The Hook says:

    No more peyote before bed for you, young lady! Great post.

  20. charlywalker says:

    Being surrounded by all that CRAP is just thwarting you to a FACE-OFF with your EX who is SHOVELing the sh*t………

    The dress? Lousy taste in fabric…..

    Keep writing!

  21. charlywalker says:

    How about Four Poops and a Wedding……great movie.

  22. Kris says:

    I regularly dream strange things, so like Jackie, I now keep a dream dictionary around. All kinds of interesting things since my divorce… Started following you a on D360 but don’t visit there much anymore since I figured out the ex and OW are keeping tabs on me there. Any who…

    Apparently Poo represent those things that you no longer need, things that are currently garbage or waste and need to be discarded. This dream may represent healthy psychological progress. It may indicate that you are cleansing yourself of unnecessary and possibly hurtful attitudes, ideas, and emotions.

    Some cultures belive that dreaming of poo means a finacial windfall of profit is on it’s way to you especially if it’s in your hand.

    To dream of wedding dress means to make commitments, decisions and sacrifices. If the dress is white in the dream it can mean clarity and pureness of purpose. To dream of wearing a wedding dress means the focus is strictly on yourself and where you are in life.

    So…focus on yourself and where you are in your life and let those who are negative in your life have their negativity…mebbe?

    • …and hope the financial windfall of profit is on its way…I like that! I do find it funny, however, that dream poop is possibly related to money. Suze Orman would have a field day with that one.

      Very cool anaylsis. It’s amazing to hear that this dream actually may reflect forward motion and progress … here I just thought it was my crazies rearing their many veiled heads!

      And by the way, I’m glad you followed me frm D360…hope to see you around here again…

      Mikalee

  23. Brittany says:

    You are heeeeelarious. This post had me crackin up left and right.

  24. jennigetsit says:

    I love your style. Funny, honest and straight to the point! Love it as always. I have had my nightmares with dermabrasion and facials. I haven’t gone back since my last one. This particular professional wasn’t the prettiest flower in the garden. In fact the condition of her own skin, not being catty just sayin, should have sent me running for the door. It was 100 miles from Land of Radiance.
    on the leather chaisse-lounge and she quickly began a full frontal assault on my oft’- sensitive facial derma. I woke up the next morning with scabs on my chin and forehead. Not a good look for a charity event I attended that evening! It was a mortifying experience.
    I went back to the salon a day after my comment laden evening and requested a refund for facial attack rendered. I was told that my not so lovely, esthetician had moved on to prettier pastures. I was offered a salon credit good for another scab-fest. A manager suggested I wait until my sores healed before making my new appointment. How is that for stellar customer relations?

    • You just can’t make this shit up, can you? I love that the manager suggesting a healing period prior to further services…unbelieveable!

      I can only imagine that the cosmetic dermatology industry is one that weeds out the uglies quickly. I have had a few estheticians in my life, and they’ve all had crazy-radiant skin. I just picture them peeling and lasering and microderming each other’s skin after hours…too bad they’ll all be missing their faces when they grow up, considering they removed so many layers during their radiant years…

      Thank you so much for the comment!

  25. OH Mik@lee… dreams are nature’s way of giving us “Divine Intervention” . Putting us in touch with our ESP and intuition. The “answers” to our perplexing quagmires are usually found somewhere in our dream state. The cream rises to the top.

    Perhaps you are “pooh-poohing the idea of marriage with you “best friend” Brett. HUUMMM ???
    Perhaps as consciously you are dismissive of the IDEA of marriage again…. maybe subconsciously your mind is telling you that you are being foolish for not considering risking love again and a life with another.
    These are issues of trust. Once burned , never again thinking.

    Basically the dream is a BITCH slap. SNAP OUT OF IT !!! YOU CAN BE HAPPY and LOVE AGAIN. Better to have risked LOVE … than never loving at all. “It’s as Good as it gets !”

    I once had a wild, vivid dream … where my husband’s alleged LOVE-CHILD (born of adultery, and before DNA tests done) was presented to me by the babymama witch and it was half black and half white.
    I woke up thinking …how can I believe this conniving bi@tch’s allegation that she was married too , to my husband and that she had his child… if she was unwilling to do DNA tests for 8 years !!!
    Why should I divorce my remorseful husband and be collateral damage based on my pride and on the unproven allegations of a lying, sperm stalking, “bat-shit crazy” adultereress ho-mama ?
    Guess who decided to travel the less traveled road. Why sacrifice being happy today, just because in the future you might be unhappy ! Shit happens…. get over it !

    It’s unconscionable all the calumnious poop thrown at me to silence me and make me go away to justify the malicious agenda of another vagina !
    I say; to hell with her delusional relations-shit !
    Sometimes a wife has to stand her ground ! It’s not like I am forcing my stupid husband to stay with me. I can’t help that I tried to get rid of the gum stuck on my favorite pair of shoes ! But I can resole the shoe ?? I don’t have to toss the baby out with the dirty bath water.
    I had that shoe dream too !

    • Hmmm…interesting thoughts here. I definitely agree that the subconsious’ voice is heard through dreams, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this dream holds up a mirror to my current relationship. I’m one of “those girls” who feels the need (or at least, aching desire) to be married (I’m loyal, loving, adore companionship and mutual support, etc.), yet I could NEVER imagine marriage again. Or at least for a long, long time…

  26. I CAN”T WAIT to see this as a movie–hilarious!

  27. Writestuff says:

    Okay. Going to put on my dream analyzer panties and try and figure out what all this means.

    First, the fact that there’s a wedding signifies the need for a fresh start.

    The commode-sized bouquet signifies the need for the scent of the flowers to overcome the scent of the toilet you’ve been swirling in since the brick hit the fan.

    The ugly, hideous, despicable, who in hell would want it except a loser dress–no brainer–it’s Marilyn.

    The red suspenders mean the shit hauling dude is a firefighter — thus you still feel the need to be rescued from said giant toilet.

    The shit, my dear friend and sister-in-sleazy-slimy-ex husbands, signifies everything you will eventually leave behind as you stumble into fresh starts.

    Lillies – dead people? Sometimes. But don’t forget they’re the flowers of Easter. The mother of resurrections.

    It’s your turn, kid. Now, about that wine.

    Bring out the big glasses, you know, the ones that double as a vase at Pier 1? Atta girl.

    • Love it … love it all!

      Hadn’t thought about that particular analysis of my hideous, matronly, awful dress. THAT, my blogging friend, makes me smile! :)

      And I dig the firefighter analysis…

      Cheers to fresh starts and vases full of wine. Perfect!

  28. You look great as well as your parents with the Mickey Mouse hat. It’s nice to read about someone who’s comfortable with herself and bring interesting and funny insights to the World.

  29. The Dream is witty, funny, a little painful when you’re a bride. It’s like watching a comedy gone wrong but if it happened on mine , it would probably be still funny, but the mess and stink of the poop will remind of the event forever! As for my bride? That’s another story to be told. Great writing my friend! As for skin peeling, not good if you love the sun and outdoors. A friend did it and she looked like someone w/ uneven first degree burn. It all depends on the person’s tolerance to the acids and chemicals. I enjoyed the post- a lot!

    • Thank you so much! I enjoyed writing the post — it was cathartic to watch the dream come alive, so you could all have the same lovely images burned on your brains! ;)

      Good advice about the skin treatment — thankfully I have healed, though I’d imagine I couldn’t have tolerated even a few minutes of outdoor time in my freshly-face-removed state!

  30. Hope the work comes your way – you prove yourself with every post, so God knows what your actual WORK pieces look like – I imagine brilliance blazing from every line, requiring any editor to wear sunglasses.

    Anyway, all the best because I start a jolly new job next week, proofreading a phone book. Yeah, I know, but it’s a sitting down job, and I don’t have to wear a badge with my name on it any more. I’m nearly forty, for god’s sake….

    And if you have to wear ears, of COURSE they should have sequins on.

    • You’re too kind, Mr. Trasler — too kind indeed. But thank you for the wonderful words.

      And I know this might make me sound even crazier than you all think I am already: But I think proofreading a phone book sounds FUN! Seriously … that’s how much I love to proofread. I once almost accepted a job proofreading the ICD9 Codebook (International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems — this is essentially the master book from which all doctor diagnoses come). But alas, a better job was offered at the same time. Damn the luck…

      Congrats to you on your new position. And here’s to this opportunity opening the door to many, many more!

      • Hey, I’m done with doors, thank you, that was the LAST job…
        And I think you lucked out not getting the ICD9 job – imagine the rare and weird conditions you’d notice the symptoms for every day if you read that……

        Thanks for the wishes, and I hope your dreams soon become the only real weirdness in your life.

  31. It’s good to know that someone else dreams as weird as I do . . . see: http://indiealbany.com/2010/11/15/surrealist-dreamscapes/ . . .

  32. Not something that end is "ee" LOL :) says:

    I actually do not have anything to say about dreams… This just happens to be your last blog post :) I have to say you ROCK!!! I am glad that you have found a way to put your feeling out there and not hurt anyone, well maybe someone “feelings” but really I doubt that they feel much. I also have to say that I think you are beautiful even with your hair “trimmed”. :) I have sat and read ALL of your blog posts in a row and cannot wait for you to write more.

    • Wow — what an amazing comment. Thank you SO MUCH!

      It’s really nice to “virtually” meet you, especially considering your name does not end in the “ee” sound. That makes this that much more fulfilling.

      I look forward to seeing you around here again! :)

  33. Not something that end is "ee" LOL :) says:

    I know that this will probably not get published and I am fine with that… but so wanted to send you a message. I found “Marilyn’s” blog, there is a picture of her and OMFG she does look like Marilyn Manson. I know I probably should have not gone out seeking her but I could not contain my wanting to know what she looked like and what she had to say about you. Oh the things that I could say but will not. Good luckon your journey.

  34. greenlightgirl says:

    Mikalee,

    I’m think I’ve found a kindred spirit in the weird dream department. I find that when I’m under a great deal of stress, the stranger my dreams are. The dreams also seem to be my way to work things through. I’ve been keeping a writers/dream journal for a while and they do provide great writing material! My last one was about “forgetting” I had set up dates with three men on the same day! Comedic fun!

    I hope your writing projects are going well.

    Best regards,
    Green Light Girl

    • Absolutely agreed about the stress factor — that’s a huge component of all of this, I’m sure. I can’t imagine the relief you must have felt when you awoke and realized you didn’t have to juggle three dates. Probably similar to my relief at realizing the poop wedding was just a dream! ;)

  35. Scott B. says:

    Listen to your heart. Follow your heart. Your heart is your one true compass. Love doesn’t happen at the level of the mind, it happens at the soul level. That is why, when we try to reason why we should or should not be with a particular person, it will always, always bite us in the fanny. Our soul’s are not limited by the beliefs of our mind. But to hear our soul’s wishes and needs, we must first sit still and listen to our hearts. What our hearts tell us is the only advice we ever really need.

    • Oh but my heart clearly sent me the WAY WRONG messages in my 1.0 version!
      ;)

      Thank you so much for the feedback and beautiful comment!

      • Scott B. says:

        Are you sure that it wasn’t your head and not your heart that you were listening to? There is a difference. I touch upon it in my blog at http://lifenormal.com/a-mountain-beckons/.

        I ask this because from what I see around me is people too often rationalize why they love a person. They say they love a person but really, they are being wordsmiths and wrapping their mind around why they love a person. They love a person because…and then they can shoot off a list of traits and things that this person has (or doesn’t have). It seems to me, that love, when it is right…when it is really, really right…just is. There’s no explaining necessary.

        I lost my soulmate to this very thing. She went off and married another guy because her friends persuaded her that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t alpha male enough. I didn’t have the job with all the power and prestige. I didn’t drive a Mercedes or a BMW. Last I heard, she wasn’t very happy.

        But as to interpreting your dream. I would offer you to ask your spiritual guidance system–however that is for you–to “show me, show me, show me. What does this dream mean?” Ask for it to be clarified as you lay your head down to sleep each night until…it is.

        All the best.

        • Interesting analysis — I’m so grateful for your perspective!

          It sounds like you went through quite an ordeal, and I’m so sorry for your pain. I find it intriguing that you still call her your “soul mate” — even though you’re not together and she has moved on (though not happy), do you still feel this way? If so, how can you feel that way … when she did what she did?

          I will continue to seek my answers. Is it ok that my spiritual guide’s name is Kendall Jackson?
          ;)

          Just kidding, of course…

          Thanks again for the comment!

          • Scott B. says:

            Hi Mikalee,

            I just happened to come back to this and found your reply with your questions.

            That she is my soulmate I have no doubt. It is a truth that I feel at the soul level. It is a truth that my soul speaks to me still. That she was unable to listen to her heart when it mattered most does not diminish in any way the love our two souls share. Now, this love is not shared in the physical world but rather at a higher level, in the spiritual or a the level of the soul. That our souls speak one way and desire that we live our lives a certain way does not mean that we, as human individuals, have to abide by our soul’s wants and desires. A little esoteric I know but it is the only way I can explain it.

            Our souls have a life of their own that they are living out. As humans, we have a life of out own that we are living out. Whether the choices we make align with the life our souls want to live is another matter.

            Can I be angry at what happened? At how she treated me? At how she listened to society’s call over her heart’s? Absolutely! I’m only human. :-)

            But to understand why she did what she did you have to look at it from the perspective of the soul. I am certain that she doesn’t understand why she did what she did. I could go on but hopefully that helps answer your questions.

  36. tokyobling says:

    What an awesome dream! I wouldn’t give to any dream interpreter pop-psychologists to play with though. And may I saw that you look great in mice ears! (^-^)

    • Yeah, good point…I think I’ll just leave the analysis to my fab readers rather than turning it over to a real shrink!

      Thank you so much for stopping by — I hope to see you around here again!

  37. jlmx2 says:

    Oh, the irony… I ran across another blog that speaks of a nightmare… SOOO WEIRD! :-P

    • OMFG. Seriously…Boyfriend Brett and I were just having this exact same convo. I write about how busy I am with all my freelance writing; someone else is suddenly writing about how busy she is with her PAID freelance assignments (did she mention she’s being PAID for them? I think she did…). I write about a crazy dream; someone else writes about a crazy dream.

      Although the saying suggests, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” I’d like to suggest that it’s just bat-shit crazy. Plain and simple.

  38. Dana says:

    Hmm sounds like you might be afraid of marriage after your last experience, hence the dream? Are things well w/ your boyfriend? Don’t let the bad behavior of your ex ruin your future happiness :). Great blog, as usual!

    • Thanks, Dana. I fear I’m forever damaged in some ways, so the situation with Boyfriend Brett is sometimes turbulent because of my baggage. I do try not to let the past speak to the present … but I’m terrified of being played for a fool yet again!

      I’m so grateful for your comment…

      Mikalee

  39. Pingback: Could I Be the Next Bachelorette? « Me 2.0

  40. Julie says:

    I love dream symbolism… but I’d like to look at it in a slightly more positive light. 1. Your matronly dress… okay, so maybe you thought it was ugly. But what are matrons known for? Wisdom… and also, you are a mom. So maybe your more old-fashioned dress symbolizes your experience with marriage, the lack of newness to it. 2. The poop/old man… maybe he is your past. But, more importantly, your poop was disposed of. The old man either flushed it or shoveled it out, so it’s gone. Sure, there’s a bit leftover, uyour new relationship, but that’s to be expected. 3. lilies/shovel – When I first read the part about the man with the shovel, I thought it had something to do with death, the burial of a body or something. So maybe the old guy was burying your old relationship, and by holding the lilies, it was symbolizing that you were either mourning the death of your relationship, or maybe just letting go of it. It was both a wedding and a funeral…

    Not to discredit anyone else’s guesses, just wanted to put a positive spin on it.

    • Julie: I absolutely LOVE your positive spin — awesome!

      I hadn’t truly made the connection between the “funeral” lilies and the wedding. Brilliant. Out with the old, and in with the new, right? With perhaps a few reminders of the past, which won’t go away. And that’s to be expected, as you mentioned.

      Isn’t it funny how a dream can inspire so many different interpretations? Of course, there are many consistent themes here — and I’m just so glad you brought to light some of the good stuff. In my somewhat jaded state, I may sometimes miss the positive spin…

      Thank you!

  41. Our writing styles and sense of humor are incredibly alike. I think that I am going to enjoy reading your blog!

  42. Pingback: Hey Divorce, I Found Your Groove. But I’m Not Giving it Back… « Me 2.0

  43. Pingback: Man! I Feel Like a Woman (with a Big-Time Confession to Make…) « Me 2.0

  44. Sarah Een says:

    So weird to read this in the face (no pun intended) of the shit I inadvertently started on Wednesday. My mom is a plastic surgery junkie and she makes no secret of it. Anyhow, she and my sis always get “peels” and various dumb things done, and always tell me, the consummate tanner that I should too..um, why? I ‘m just gonna go re-damage my skin at the beach or in my tanning room. My mom had the kind of mcd that is very invasive..like she needs to get put under to have it and has to have someone watch her for days afterwards. Anyhow, I love gross stuff and fascinating stuff. If you know me, you know this. I guess my mom doesn’t know me because hours after this fucking disgusting and bloody procedure, she had sis take an i-phone pic, actually two, but I only posted one. I mean I had to, I wanted to give a cautionary tale that this surgery should not be gone into lightly and also HAD to show this pic because it was so bizarre, yet she fucking posed for two flicks, and was smiling and all but giving a thumbs up! So she never even saw the damn pic but luckily bro-in-law told my sister about it, she called me and bitched me out, and I took the pic down. Now, please know that I would post the same pic of myself in a kind of “holy shit, how crazy is this” type of way, if I had posed for one, but I didn’t..now mom won’t talk to me blah, blah..and I’m thinking, dude, why’d you take that pic and why send it to me? It’s not like she was passed out when it was taken, she posed for it, did I mention that? Anyhow, would love to know what you think about “picturegate”, because now I’m pissed.

    • Haha…that’s an AWESOME story. You really made me laugh out loud, because I can sense the absolute drama the picture has inspired. You’re too funny!

      Wow…where do I stand, huh? Well, I think I’d be exactly like you and assume that if the pic was sent my way, I can do whatever I’d like with it. At least you respected her wishes enough to take it down when she asked though…right? I mean, perhaps she’d have a reason not to talk to you if you refused — but you were a good girl, and you followed her wishes. Sheesh! ;)

      That said, though, I’m definitely no fan of blood and guts and missing layers of skin. So I can honestly say the pic would never have graced my Facebook page … just because i have a sensitive gag reflex!

  45. Pingback: Dear Universe: Can You Hear Me Now? « Me 2.0

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